~Patreon Exclusive: SFW : Listen~

Some thoughts from my own truth, about listening.

This was the script that I talked about on Twitter lol. This one is a little more personal, and I thought that since people didn't want to hear a particular voice, it would be a good opportunity to talk about things that I struggle with, when it comes to listening. Like I say in the audio, I know I'm probably not the only one who feels this way, and if there's only one other person who understands or who can connect with it, then it's worth it for me to share. I hope what I'm trying  to convey here makes sense, and that you all enjoy,

~Audio Transcript Below~

Listening is easy for me a lot of the time. I like to listen, and I spend a lot of my time doing it. It's a part of what I do, it's my job. I listen to people in times of joy, in times of sadness, in times of anger, stress, from as many walks of life that I can access.

I try to listen as best as I can, be the ear that people need, be the support to those whom I care about greatly, and try my best to be supportive of those who I don't know so well. I like being there, I like being the strong one, I like listening.

But having someone listen to me, is a different story. When someone tells me to open up, it's.....incredibly hard for me. Me, acting behind words, behind screens, behind scripts, I have no problem with people hearing me. Thoughts, genuine thoughts of how I'm feeling, especially when it's bad, are extremely difficult for me.

For such a long time, I was always the good child, the one that didn't have any problems, the one who never needed to be worried about. The happy one, the strong one, the advice giver. The one who listens.

It somehow got messed up in my brain and turned into that....I'm not allowed to be sad. I'm not allowed to let others [listen] to [me]. If I were to show any weakness, any anger.....anything that wasn't positive support.....I wouldn't be wanted or needed anymore. I wouldn't be the one that people would come to. I wouldn't be able to help people, to listen, to offer advice and love. So I kept the smile on my face, even when I was hurting.

I am for the most part however, generally happy. I try to look on the positives. I openly express how happy I am when it's genuine. Any other emotion.....not so much.

I know. Fundamentally I know that as a human being, I am capable and [allowed] to have the wide expanse of emotions that are open to me. And it's not as if I don't feel them. It's that I don't let other people [know] that I'm feeling them. I don't want to add my problems onto theirs, compound their sadness or ruin their happiness. I know it's silly. The rational part of my brain tells me so. That people genuinely care for me other than my usefulness, that I'm allowed to tell them when I'm sad, or when I'm not feeling well, when I'm not feeling adequate.

But I don't want the people who love me to listen to me, and hear things that they don't want to hear. I don't want them listening and deciding that I'm not worthwhile anymore. I don't want to be left alone.....unable to do any listening for myself.

It sounds selfish to me. Selfish to, and for myself. I selfishly keep all of my fears and sadness and anger locked away for the most part, so that I don't lose anyone, or anything. So that I don't miss out on the opportunity to be kind, to listen, and to help people, to help my loved ones. It's selfish because sometimes I'm not true to myself, and I lie about my feelings because I just don't want to open a can of worms that potentially overwhelm people, that potentially make them stop listening to me.

It's also selfish, because it tries to lock away parts of me that make me human.  I'm so focused on the outside, that I'm not listening to the inside. I don't take the time to honestly see if I myself are ok, so I get surprised or overwhelmed because I haven't been listening, have been muting the parts of me that aren't ok, so when it all becomes too much, it boils over much worse than if I were to just say from the beginning that I'm not ok.

I'm saying all these things because, while the mean parts of my brain yell and scream that I'm the only one who feels this, that this shouldn't be something that I talk about in public, that I'm just whining. The logical part of my brain reminds me that there are probably people out there who feel the same way. Even if there's one human who listens to this, listens to me talking about this, and thinks, "Oh my God, that's me," or "Thank God, I thought I was the only one," then it'll be worth it to share this, to have others listen to my insecurities. 

I've been trying with all my might, with as much energy as I can muster each day, taking some time to look inward, and listen to myself as well and as much as I do others. Sit down and give myself the attention and love and vulnerability that I give those who matter most to me. Be kind to myself, be the strong one, be the advice giver, be the one who listens.

It isn't selfish to do things like that. To take the time to look inward, to work things out for yourself. I think, truthfully, it might actually be beneficial to the relationships we have on the outside. How much better of an advice giver or a listener could you become, if you're in tune and truthful with the emotions on the inside? How much more empathetic, how much more kind and loving can you be, when you extend that to yourself?

This might not make sense, and I've definitely said the words, "Listen, Listener, and Listening" so much that they've lost their meaning to me right now. But all in all, I think, what people can take away from this, is that you should listen to yourself as much as you listen to others, extend the same kindness and energy towards yourself that you want to do for others. It's not selfish, it's not weak, and I think you'll be better for it.

It'll be hard. It's been incredibly hard for me. But take it little by little, step by step, and even if you falter, even if you go backwards a little bit some days, and even if you don't move at all on others, it's alright. You're working towards something, and I believe that one day, you'll look behind you and see how far you've come, and you'll look inward, and see how more genuinely happy you are.