Dildos Aren't Here To Replace You!

He posted a picture of himself fucking my cunt with a dildo and it didn’t take very long for the inevitable, insecure and hateful comment that is painfully common to show up:

“*Does your own dick not work that you have to fuck her with a dildo?*”

Ugh.

We get variations of these—on pictures, in inboxes, in person—and it’s always surprising. Sometimes it’s a condescending twat who wants to explain to me that I only need the dildo if I am alone (or having *lesbian sex*), using it with my *master* is disrespectful to him. I get it, their gendered idea of a valiant and masculine master is under-minded by the enthusiastic dildo-usage of mine and so they think we are ruining *the whole thing*. Sometimes it’s a much more outrightly offensive comment attempting to insult him by claiming he has a tiny dick, a useless dick and one that couldn’t fuck properly. I get it, the possibility of erectile issues makes them so insecure that anything that seems to replace a hard, man-attached dick makes them worry their thing will never get hard again. Sometimes they’re just telling him that only a fool would send in rubber-and-glass to do what could bring flesh-and-blood so much joy, and telling me that they would do it so much better. I get it, they are horny, and the scarcity mindset makes it so they cannot relate to a person making dick-decisions they never would and somehow, they think *being horny* is a desirable skill(?) that would make them more appealing to me.

Finally, there are the in-person incidents. There are the guys who will expect a prize for being accepting and open enough to hold a vibrator to my clit but a dildo in the room makes them feel replaced. A device that gives me pleasure doesn’t make them feel replaced, but one that seemingly *takes their opportunity for pleasure* absolutely does. I’ve had someone tell me that girls who use dildos are *stretched out loose whores*, and he thought that was a perfectly acceptable thing to say after sex. There were people who fucked me alongside my partner(s) who saw a dildo and asked why we couldn’t just bring another guy if I needed more dick. All of these experiences and dozens more are *just* mine, there are millions of other stories like these, but they aren’t discussed very much, and I want to do that in excruciating detail.

First of all, the number of men who feel replaced by a dildo makes me really sad, why are you so eager to reduce yourself to your genitals only? Even if we think about it in purely sexual terms, I rarely associate the sexual prowess of a man with his dick because if all the sex you can imagine having is genital-oriented, that’s a much bigger problem than whatever you think is inadequate about your penis. If you truly believe that a 10-inch lilac device could relace the entirety of *you*, what you are telling me is that you believe that is *all* you bring to do the table, and if that is the case, I promise the problem is a lot bigger than your cock, and it will hurt you, eventually, more than your insecure, callous commentary could hurt me. The fact that you think my *master* is less so because of his use of the dildo is about *your* insecurity.

I understand that sometimes the sentiment comes from this strange social idea of “wasting wood” that have been taught to people who were socialised as men and when it is compounded by the narrative of sex as a commodity that is scarce, the fact that my partner is fucking me with a dildo instead of putting his dick in me is baffling to you. There are a couple of reasons why an altered perspective is vital here. The problem is not only that the hetero, sexual complex has taught you that PIV is the highest and maybe sole conception of sex, but also, that it has taught you that male pleasure is the singular and ultimate goal of penetration (which has been exalted for its vitality in procreation unlike female pleasure) of all kinds, which is why an inanimate object fucking me just doesn’t make sense. It makes no sense that this man who *should* be horny is *wasting his opportunity* to do something to me that shouldn’t even be pleasurable to me.

Here's the thing. First of all, there are people with vaginas who want to be penetrated for the pleasure of it. Secondly, there are people with penises who view putting their cocks in a hole as one of 1300 options in ways to have sex and so they’re kinda *chill* about it when they don’t want to put their phallic appendage in me and use a plastic one instead. The way I explain it (at least, to kinky people) is by telling them to imagine any activity off a fairly exhaustive, explicit and specific list of all the sexual (or non-sexual) pleasure-seeking things they do. So, say, I enjoy putting binder clips on my breasts. That’s an example. If I *never* did that again, it wouldn’t rob from my pleasure very much. I know thousands of other ways to get pain, hundreds of other activities that foster connection or intimacy, millions of different ways to get pleasure. Think of using your dick to fuck as one of the options. Of course, this method means truly doing the work to decentralise your pleasure from your genitals (and I concede it may not be possible for everyone), but I’ve seen a lot of men be able to develop a less panic-based and pleasure-centred relationship with their bodies when they try to approach it this way.

Also, think about the fact that penetration isn’t just good for one thing. For instance, for me, I only want things in me because of how much, how specifically and how persistently, it hurts. If the goal is hurt, sometimes a flesh-cock is good for it, but sometimes, a glass-cock can be manoeuvred much better by your *hand*. Much longer too. So what? It’s not a statement on your cock, your cock can obviously not do what glass can, and why the hell do you want it to anyway? Sometimes the goal is hurt. Sometimes it’s being able to dig into parts of a hole you couldn’t dig into another way. Sometimes it’s an expedition for pleasure. Sometimes it is about the degradation of fucking someone or making them fuck the inanimate. Sometimes it is voyeuristic to watch someone fuck a hole, and sometimes it’s exhibitionist. Sometimes it’s fun to *make them* do it to themselves at your instruction. Sometimes it’s more fuck to watch a fucking than to do it. The sole goal of penetration is not the pleasure of the penetrating appendage, there is so much you can do with them (cocks and dildos alike), to so many goals. Sometimes I worry that the PIV-conversations succeeds at introducing the idea that PIV is not the only type of sex, but fails at introducing the idea that PIV is not the only type of penetration and there are lots of things to do with penetration too.

The funny thing is that the one space where this hasn’t been an issue for me at all or ever is the queer space. Horny inbox bros keep telling me that I only need dildos for lesbian reasons, but I’m plenty lesbian and I’ve gotten through many relationships and a tonne of sex without *needing* a dildo. We get one when we want me. I take my own if I anticipate needing it with someone, and they usually bring their own too. And often, we just use our bodies and it feels *just like sex* even though no one got fucked by a penis-shaped thing. Sometimes someone's body does have a dick on it, and we won't even do anything with it, or we'll do something with it that isn't penetration at all, that still feels *just like sex*. It also feels like sex when someone does want to strap, and some people have a relationship with their individual strap-ons that feels post-genital, it feels very personal and intimate to be included in that. I don’t know what to tell you, dildos are not the lesbian-support equipment straight bros think they are. Most often, they are sex toys, like vibrators and floggers and harnesses and hammers and daggers.

Sometimes, they help fulfil someone’s need for penetration that their partner cannot, doesn’t want to or is not able to fulfil. Using pejorative statements concerning small dicks, useless dick, dicks that don’t get hard (outside of consensual humiliation) is so, so counter-productive if you’re trying to feel more secure about your own penis. If you continue to feed an environment that demands such specific standards from a penis (and tie that to your masculinity), you and your penis will also have to live in that environment, and then, on the inevitable day when you don’t feel big or hard enough, you’ll have a much larger crisis than you need to.

Come on.

People have erectile issues (and/or disorders) at all ages, dicks get less eager sometimes when they get older, maybe even more discerning, your emotions influence how your body behaves, they change through the years and their preferences alter. Give your dick the permission to have a *full* life-experience. I have sucked many a semi-hard or flaccid penis to an orgasm, they had a great time, and maybe so would you, and I certainly didn’t feel the need to later wonder if I needed to replace them with a dildo. You’re only ever being replaced by a sex-toy if you treat the pleasure of your partner as irrelevant, and so, maybe you can ask yourself, do you?