Tell Me How To Hate It.

Whip bites.

Fists fall.

Leather meets skin.

I want to scream but it's stuck like the memory of a hair in my throat.

It's not really there.

But I remember it being there so well I can feel the outline still inside.

Inside, I can scream.

Outside, I just feel warm.

Purple warmth.

*'Scream. Just scream. Why can't you scream?'*

.....

Fists pound louder than the hammers inside my head.

Knuckles against my shoulders.

So, I buckle and fall.

I want to cry but I feel like a cup filled up just to the brim.

It should overflow.

Why wouldn't something that is so full overflow?

But it doesn't.

I'm the camel begging to have my back broken and no amount of straw will do it.

One more.

Just one.

Surely then the tears will come?

One more.

And one more?

*'Cry. Just cry. Why can't you cry?'*

.....

This is supposed to feel horrible.

Prying open old injuries just to make sure they never ever heal.

Salting my wounds so that I don't forget them.

This is *supposed* to feel horrible.

I want to stop it but i feel like the cat masturbating with the curiosity that will kill me.

It would be so easy.

I could yell stop, and he would.

And this would end.

For now.

For forever?

And I'll learn to want the roses instead of the thorns.

And he'll learn to hold me while he fucks me, and not two hours later so I can recover from it.

I could stop this.

Right now.

Forever.

*'Stop it. Just stop it. Why can't you stop it?'*

......

This feels awful.

It does.

It's not warm anymore.

It's hot.

Like I'm living in a furnace and sweating myself away.

I want to hate this but I feel like I'm forever chasing a moving target.

I get so close.

Only to find another awful thing that makes me feel good.

Like a knife through my heart and two against my skin.

Like a cigarette on my wrist and the scent of my burning flesh.

Like a looking at myself in abject misery —and laughing.

It should be awful to feel awful.

Why isn't it awful to feel awful?

'*Hate it. Just hate it. Why the fuck can't you hate it?*'

.....