The Real Allure Of BDSM.

My least favourite thing about conventional sex, especially conventional heterosexual sex, is how little time it takes. Even if it's the kind of sex that doesn't just involve penetration and seven minutes of customary foreplay, it still doesn't ever feel like enough. Mutual pleasure between equals has always seemed a bit boring to me as a concept. This is not to diss "vanilla" sex especially since, I admit, even though I am not entirely sure what good vanilla sex entails, I do believe it exists. I just don't know what that is, outside of oral or penetrative sex. Is it massages? Is it neck kissing? Mouth kissing? Is it boob stuff? Chest licking? Is it licking each other's bodies? To me none of that has any allure whatsoever but those are only physical activities, I am sure there are sentiments, maybe affection or love or desire, that add intensity to that kind of sexual activity. I don't know enough to comment on this. I just know that any vanilla sex that I have had, has left me underwhelmed and disappointed with how quickly it was over. 

Contrary to that, one of the main allures of BDSM (I'm making my peace with using that term) to me, is the prolonged pleasure. Now of course, I understand, if a person is not into this stuff, they're just not into this stuff and no amount of promises about how long your pleasure could last are alluring if that pleasure just feels like torture to you. I'm not advocating that one change their sexual preferences for the promise of longer lasting sexual interaction. Even if I were advocating that, I'm not sure it is possible to actually do that. This is not for those people, unless their only interest is to understand to allure of kinky sex. When I was younger, as in young enough that I has not had any kind of sex yet but also old enough to know I wanted to have sex, I had a lot of fantasies and because I am wired the way I am all those fantasies were kinky. One of the things about those fantasies was that the activities that went on in them would take hours to do, and because of that, I was sure that sex was supposed to take hours. I assumed that's why people got off work at 5 PM because they needed at least 3-4 hours to have sex in the evening (and I also assumed all adults had sex all the time because I was young and it seemed like one of the most fun activities life had to offer, and honestly, I still low-key think that). Imagine my disappointment in my early sexual years when I realised that having sex took like 40-minutes (and relationship sex takes like 20 but that has its own benefits). I was extremely let down by how little time sex seemed to take and how little violence it seemed to involve. 

Until I had kinky sex for the first time (and when I say kinky "sex" I'm using the terms play and sex interchangeably, I just don't like the term play because I'm not a child and I don't think the term sex should be used so narrowly either so really, it's two birds in one stone, not that anyone should kill birds with stones, it would be faster to mass-incinerate). 

When I had kinky sex for the first time, it lasted hours. The more I did it, the longer it lasted. I mean, it just makes sense, right? All these things take time: tying someone up takes time, impact play takes time, wax stuff takes time, scaring the shit out of a person can be accomplished quickly but is more fun when it takes time, needles take time, cutting takes time. The fact that you do them all mix and match also takes time. All of these activities requires preparation, time and a certain form of patience. That's one of my favourite things about the physical aspects of kinky sex. It allows you to put your body in a state of aroused distress for long periods of time and the physical experience of that is akin to doing things you may do for the sheer bodily pleasure of them (like hiking, jumping off a cliff or yoga). You learn a lot more about your physical capacity at hour-two than you do at minute-nineteen. Pleasure also gets a lot more satisfying the longer you sustain it. Physically, BDSM tests the limits of your body and plays with them, and the only way to really do that well, is to give it time. 

But that's not all I mean by the prolonged pleasure of BDSM. 

At this point I would request everyone with a weak stomach to take a deep breath because I'm about to say the word "dynamic" (and I really believe the word dynamic is to kinky people, what moist is to anyone else). A dynamic allows you to have a relationship within a relationship. A dynamic that is based on control, power and what you're allowed to do with that sexually is like the rich backstory for the pornography of your life. A dynamic is what allows the sexual relationship with your partner to be as alive when you are not having sex as it is when you are doing it. I realise this might exist in vanilla relationships as well and it may be my own shortcoming that I tend to think of vanilla sex as standalone sexual encounters as opposed to ongoing sexual affairs but based on my own experience with it, and that of the people closest to me, vanilla relationships don't usually function within sexual dynamics. 

However a sexual dynamic introduces eroticism into daily interactions and activities. It enlarges the meaning of a sexual relationship to much more than just the things you do together and how often. My sex life doesn't just play out in the hours I spend on my hands and knees getting my ass kicked, it also plays out in the hours I wait to be in that position, the promise of it, the story of how it came to be, the discussion that allows for it, the time taken to recover from it, the thing it led to and the story of how that happened. It doesn't just play out in the seven minutes of being pounded up the ass, it plays out in the months of pain to prepare for that, the lifetime of what that means to me, the five seconds of hugging his legs for comfort. It's an endless amalgamation of pleasure. 

And I love it. 

That's the real allure to me. 

Because, technically, by my definition I've been having sex non-stop for over a decade and young-me is so proud. I love that. 

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