Green flags in BDSM: part 1

I’m just going to give a brief explanation and examples here of the three green flags I listed in this video.

Vetting & negotiations:

This is essential to any dynamic, even vanilla ones. The vetting process is comparable to a job interview - both the employeer and employee must participate, ask questions, and decide whether they would be a good fit together. Vetting has to take place BEFORE the dynamic can be consented to.

Negotiations can happen at any point in the dynamic because there are things that change over time. This includes soft limits, hard limits, time limits, financial limits, requirement limits, rules, punishments, rewards - everything in your dynamic! Negotiations involve you and your play partner(s) discussing these aspects, acknowledging each other’s information, consenting to certain things (or not consenting to them), and sometimes making compromises. This is a discussion, not a debate or opportunity to force things onto a play partner.

Regular consent check-ins:

Consent is sexy! Check-ins help play partners establish trust in each other, which is especially vital in a new dynamic where you are still getting to know each other or when you are trying out something new. Check-ins also help build confidence - we LOVE knowing that what we are doing is enjoyable for our play partner(s), right! There are various ways of doing consent check-ins without necessarily disrupting play time or taking away from the mood.

Multiple safewords:

This is a very useful tool and, to be honest, vital to a healthy and enjoyable play scene. For verbal safewords, the traffic light system is quite popular:

• green means we’re all good;
• orange means we’re close to reaching a limit;
• red means we stop the scene immediately and practice aftercare.

I’d suggest adding more colours. For example:

• blue means I don’t like what you’re doing, change it up (it’s similar to red in this regard, but we still want the scene to continue);
• white means my knees are getting sore (relating to a past physical injury);
• purple means we need to take a toilet break.

All of these are completely customisable to your dynamic and the needs of all the play partners.

We do also need nonverbal safewords for when a play partner is gagged, going nonverbal, or very deep in subspace.

These can include using fingers to show a number, where:

• 1 finger means green;
• 2 fingers mean orange;
• 3 fingers mean blue;
• 5 fingers mean red (also because it looks like you’re signalling STOP). 

These can be handy when the one play partner is restrained and unable to move otherwise. 

Another nonverbal safeword can be to hold something long in your hand, such as a piece of fabric or rope: 

• holding it means green; 
• letting some of it go means orange; 
• waving or shaking it means blue; 
• dropping it means red.

Let's continue this discussion - you can share your experiences and advice for these three green flags. Please keep it to only these three, as I will be making more content about other green flags that I'd like for us to chat about as I publish them.