Lewd Dungeon, Chapter 234

Chapter 234 – Standoff

I manifested my avatar by the shrine that Dishonored Knight made for me by the entrance, just outside his ‘reception hall’. It was a simple thing, really, made of stone, and sporting a statue in my image as Kuronoth, standing tall, hands held slightly out and to the side. In either hand I held a chain, which ended in a collar, waiting to be filled.

Fun fact, the chains and collars were not stone, like the rest of it. If someone wanted, they could chain up someone to my statue, whether it was to act as a sacrifice, or an offering. But the collars would enslave the offering to me, and transport them away to my divine realm, which happened to be my dungeon. For each sacrifice they made, a person who signed the dungeon contract would get a boost to their stats while within Dishonored Knight’s dungeon. I wasn’t worried about what would happen if they broke the contract, since Dishonored Knight already made it so that those types got enslaved to him.

Truth be told, I didn’t really expect to get that many sacrifices from this shrine. Oh, some people would haul a hapless villager along to sacrifice them in return for a power boost, sure. But those types would find their life in the dungeon town far from pleasant. Sure, the villagers might not have the strength to fight an adventurer head on, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t drug him, haul him to the dungeon in the middle of the night, and slit his throat for XP.

Actually, at my suggestion, Dishonored Knight included a working guillotine in the first real room of his redesigned first floor. Technically, this was part of a ‘trap’ where low-level monsters would spawn, and try to separate one member of the party from the rest, but the trap only went off if you tried to leave the room to head further into the dungeon. If, however, you just hauled an unconscious adventurer over to the guillotine and chopped off his head, before leaving the dungeon? No trap.

Sure, having a trap in the first room, especially a deadly one, was technically bad form, but, in this case, it wasn’t really that bad. See, the minions involved were all Level 5 of Tier 1, and the execution process took almost a full minute to complete when the minions were involved, meaning that anyone who wasn’t completely new to dungeons would easily be able to fight off the ‘ambush’, and survive. The only people who would die from something like that frankly had no business being in dungeons.

At any rate, I conjured a table and chairs, along with a bottle of whiskey and some glasses, in front of the shrine. Well, ‘conjured’ was only half-true. The table and chairs, yeah, were made of solidified shadows that I had conjured, but the refreshments were plucked from my dungeon’s inventory. I grabbed one of the glasses and the bottle, and poured myself a couple fingers to relax while I waited.

I didn’t have to wait long. The Zealots were already in sight of the dungeon when I started my little act of conjuring, and they were all fired up and ready to go on their zealous bit of cleansing, and blah blah blah. Point was, it didn’t take them long to get to me.

Llen   Arda

Light-blessed   Niera Female

Level 20   Divine Purifier of Binja / Sanctified Armorer

Market   Value: 1247200 gp

Efe Batir

Lolifell   Male

Level   12 Knight-Protector of Idos / Sanctified Alchemist

Market   Value: 520500 gp

The leaders of this little crusade were easily identified. They were the only two Tier Three individuals in the crowd. Oh, there were plenty of high Tier 2s who were on the cusp of Tier 3, but these two were the only actual Tier 3s in the mob.

The Niera woman looked for all the world like a human with rabbit ears on her head. Apparently, they were fast and had good hearing with those ears, but I couldn’t help thinking that I was looking at someone from Earth in cosplay. The gleaming silver armor that she wore was definitely legit, though, as was the silver spear in her hand. Were they enchanted to keep any mud or grime off them?

The ‘Knight-Protector’, however, almost made me spit out my drink in laughter. I was sure that he was very dangerous, really, but seeing someone who would barely come up to my waist wearing plate armor, and carrying a child-sized sword and shield? It had to be Halloween, right?

It wasn’t just that they were short enough to be children. Lolifell had childlike faces and expressions that made them look like they were four, if that. Even when they had facial hair or makeup, it looked like little children playing dress-up. Even the Rodaini, like the reality show host that had come to my dungeon, looked like short adults. I could take Rodaini seriously, but these Lolifell? They had to be a cosmic joke.

“Hail, good sir! And who might you be?”

The kindergarten knight even spoke in a kid’s voice! I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. Seriously, I was just done.

“What in the name of Idos is so funny, you bastard?”

Apparently, the little kid didn’t appreciate my laughing out loud at him. I waved my hand dismissively at the now pissed off lolifell. “Now, now. No need to get short. I just wasn’t expecting this ‘crusade’ to be led by a child. The whole idea is just terrible, really. Really, even I don’t use child soldiers. I mean, honestly, how am I supposed to take a crusade seriously when the person in charge barely comes to cocksucking height, and looks like they’re barely out of diapers?”

The knight grit his teeth, and was about to say something before I held up my hand. “Shush, boy. I don’t care what you have to say. I would much rather talk with the cute little bunny-girl you have here. Not only is she better looking than you, a higher-tiered race than you, and more threatening than you, but she’s also higher leveled than you, so I’m guessing that she’s the one in charge, here.”

His hand moved to the hilt of his sword, but the Niera put her hand out in front of him, stopping him. Her gaze met mine, her eyes narrowing, and then nodded, once. “I am Purifier Arda, follower of Binja. I lead this crusade, alongside Knight-Protector Batir, follower of Idos. But, if you’ve already [Appraise]d us to find our levels, you already knew that. So, who are you, who insults the servants of the gods while they are on holy work?”

I nodded once, in return. “Yes, you are definitely the leader of this little endeavor, no matter what church politics might say. Well, suffice to say that I am the corporeal form of an entity who pays no heed to little things like what a child-sized knight thinks of my attitude. Perhaps you, being a servant of the gods, might have some guesses?”

While she worked that out, I grinned at the pair, and said, “Ah, but where are my manners, why don’t the two of you have a seat, and we can share a drink, before you decide whether this crusade is in your people’s best interest.” I waved a hand, and two more chairs of shadowstuff appeared, side by side, one of them with little steps leading up to it, in a condescending show of consideration for the smaller ‘leader’.

The Knight-Protector’s eyes went wide as he saw my creation. He looked from me, to the life-size statue next to me, and you could see the information click in his head. Climbing into the chair, he stared me in the eye as I produced two more glasses out of thin air, and said, in a tone that said he was doing his absolute best to remain respectful, “You are the avatar of a god, aren’t you?”

“Very good,” I nodded, as I poured a bit of whiskey in the glasses, and topped my own drink off. While I loved the taste of a good whiskey, it was a simple fact that, even in my corporeal form, getting drunk was something that took quite a lot of doing. It was annoying, but, since I could create my own limitless supply of alcohol, that wasn’t much of an issue. “Yes, this is one of my avatars. I am known as Kuronoth, God of Pleasure and Domination. However, that may soon be changed to Pleasure, Domination, and Dungeons.”

Arda stiffened in her chair at my proclamation. She made sure to keep her hand well away from the drink in front of her. “I have heard your name before. There were messages going throughout the System, speaking of a newfound, upstart god, one who never lies, despite being one of the dark gods. One who challenged the will of Pofmis, and humbled her, even when she sent a crusade fleet to subjugate him.”

“Ah, gossip. The only thing that naturally moves faster than the speed of light.” I smiled, and leaned back in my chair, sipping my drink. “Oh, you can go ahead and drink. It is a simple Earth drink, called Whiskey. I promise upon my nature that I did not doctor or alter the drink in any way. It is exactly as you would find it on Earth, if you were to visit.”

Batir shook his head. “Which does not mean that it is safe. Even you drinking it would not make it so. It is well known that avatars are either immune or highly resistant to most toxins or drugs.”

“You may cast any detection spell you wish upon it. In fact, I encourage it. After all, never know what might prove to be poisonous to another species, unless it is something procured through the System, with a System-normalized effect.”

Batir cast his spell, but Arda just shook her head. “I would keep a clear head, if it is all the same to you. We do have a holy mission, here.”

“Hmph. Well, if that is the way you’re going to be, that’s fine. I won’t force you to drink with me, this time. However, I do have a few things to say to you before you go attempting to kill one of my followers after they came to me in prayer, asking for my intervention.”

“One of your followers?” Arda’s eyes widened, flickering to the shrine, and then back to me. “The Labyrinth of the Dishonored Knight is one of your worshippers?”

“Indeed. And I think you’ll find that the ‘good news’ is spreading to the other dungeons on this world, and others. More to the point, you should know that the mind primarily responsible for the design of the Forbidden Chambers of Exotic Pleasures dungeon in such a way that it was able to capture, convert, or kill all seven hundred members of the Pofmisian Golden Host, despite only being a Tier 1 existence with barely a dozen floors, has spent the last few days advising the Dishonored Knight dungeon on certain new designs.”

Batir downed the glass in front of him, and shuddered. “By the gods, that stuff is strong!” Looking over to Arda, he said, “I heard from a cousin of mine, that the Pofmisians lost not only their Golden Host, but that the humiliation of the Host’s leader was broadcast to every follower of Pofmis, everywhere, using the System itself to do it.” His eyes turned back to me. “The Dungeon Boss, who everyone thought was a Demon, turned the Crusader-Champion in charge of the crusade into an undead, and enslaved her to his will. All so that the entire Pofmisian faith could see!”

“Yes, it was one of my finer moments. That part of me that is still the Dungeon Boss for the Exquisite Pleasures dungeon is quite the schemer. I do enjoy some of the things he comes up with.”

“Part of you?”

“Yes, I have risen to godhood, but that does not mean I have wholly left behind the other facets of my being. Thankfully, my nature makes it so that splitting my attention is quite easy. I can help my followers here on Atara, fight in the halls of my dungeon home, and do many other things, besides, all simultaneously. I am both the Dungeon Boss, and a God, and I am neither.”

Arda seemed to have gotten a handle on her shock, because she asked, “And why are you here, talking to us?”

“Because, while this has been wonderful for the business of drumming up new worshippers, I would rather not get involved in another holy war so soon after I triumphed in the last one. Especially not when the cause is a bunch of parents getting pissy because their idiot children were stupid, and suffered the consequences for that stupidity.”

The Purifier looked a bit shocked and offended. “What? There were terrors and horrors in the dungeon!”

“Hah! Is that what they told you? No, the members of the Yidan Spear met traps and monsters, as normal. But, like idiots, they paid no attention to the traps that weren’t immediately lethal, or at least damage-dealing. And so, they fell afoul of traps which played with their minds, filling them with lust to the point of distraction. Some died, and others emerged from their pink-tinged haze to see that they had just finished fucking their sibling.”

I chuckled at the looks of shock and horror on the two holy warriors’ faces. “Of course, by the time they returned home to their parents, with bellies showing, well, there was no hiding what had happened. It was far less embarrassing to blame the wicked dungeon for everything, and call for a crusade, rather than actually take a look at themselves, and realize that the blame truly lay with the ones who didn’t take a dungeon’s traps seriously.”

This time, Batir found his voice first. “And what, exactly, is it that you want?”

“Simple, really. I want you two to call your gods. We need to have a bit of a chat, so that this doesn’t become a ‘thing’ that will end up hurting your entire faiths, like how the Pofmisians, as a church, are all Dungeon Foes, which will make growing new recruits far more problematic, in the long run. Between that, and the humiliation already given, the Pofmisians will be recovering for at least two hundred years, probably more, unless they can find a way to remove the title from their organization.”

Arda sighed, clearly unsure what to think. If I didn’t have the reputation for always telling the truth, then I probably would have had more trouble. “This is not how I pictured this day going.”