Twitter Story: You'll Understand...

"You'll understand when you're a grown-up."  

How many times have you heard that?  You have no idea at this point.  

Truly.

You've lost count.  Of everything.

The diapers.

The bottles.

The high chair feedings.

The nights sleeping in a crib.

The condescending head pats.

The cheek pinches.

The YEARS! Literal YEARS!

You've been stuck in this stupid nursery, crawling around like a baby, forced to play with dumb baby toys and wear dumb baby clothes, and sing along with dumb baby songs.

You're not REALLY stuck in the nursery.  Your Mommy and Daddy come and pick you up at the end of every day and a teacher will tell them whether or not you were a good baby. It's not any better at home, however.

The only thing that ever changes are your diapers.

"I'm not a baby!" you plead.

"Okay," the grown-up will say.  "What's the meaning of life?"

"I don't know!"

Then they give you a pat on the head and a pinch on the cheek.  "You'll understand when you're a grown-up."

So many years...

The most frustrating part is that so many others ARE growing up.  Just last month, Anne figured out the meaning of life.  She bounced up and down in her highchair and whispered the answer in a teacher's ear.  The teacher smiled and put her in a Pull-Up for the rest of the day.

You haven't seen her since.  You haven't seen any of them since.  Everyone is getting it.  Everyone except you.  By your own count, at least 3 "generations" of babies have come and gone, leaving you behind to continue languishing in the playpen, soiling your pants.

Jamie looks up from his jack-in-the-box and gasps.  "I know what it is!" He whispers to you.  "I finally figured it out."

"What is it?" 

 He crinkles and crawls and whispers in your ear.  "[Be a grown-up]," He says.  "That's it!  It's really that simple!"

You furrow your brow.  "No way."

"I'm positive! I know it!"  He raises his hand. "Teacher!  Teacher!  I know! I know the answer!"  A teacher comes over and leans in.  You lean in and listen. "[Be a grown-up]," he says.

The teacher's face LIGHTS up!  "That's right!  You really are ready!"

You watch as Jamie is taken over to the changing table one last time, and his diaper is taken off.  Instead of a new one, he's given a pair of Pull-Ups.  "We'll call your Mommy and Daddy right away!" you hear the grown-up say. "It's early enough!"

You wait until Jamie comes back, grinning from ear to ear..  "Goodbye," he says.

"BE A GROWN-UP!"  You shout at the teacher.  "BE A GROWN-UP! THAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE! BE A GROWN-UP!"  

Jamie looks confused.  "That's not what I told you." he says.

Yes it is!  It most certainly is!

"Babies can't understand such big grown-up stuff, Jamie"  the teacher explains.  "They just hear whatever they want to hear."

"Oooooh!" Jamie nods in understanding.

He gives you a little pat on top of your head and pinches your cheek.  "Don't worry, little baby.  You'll get it some day.  And if not..." he doesn't finish the thought.

"Let's go."

You watch Jamie walk away, anger boiling over.  You said the right words.  You know you did!

You're not a baby!  You're not a -

"Hello, baby!"  

Your blood runs cold.  You know that voice.  That voice was bouncing in the highchair next to you a month ago.  You crawl around in a circle and look up, in awe.

Her hair isn't in ribbons in anymore.  She doesn't crinkle when she moves. She's standing.  She can feed and dress herself.  Sleep in a big person bed.

Take care of babies...

"I'm your new teacher," she said. "I'm Miss Anne."

"Hi..."

She leans over and checks your diaper.  "Wet." She says.  "Very wet."  She reaches down and heaves you up.  "Let's go get you changed.  Then we can play some.  I know lots of fun games to teach you.  You can introduce me to all your little friends, too."

"What's the meaning of life?" You hear yourself whimper as she lays you out on the changing table.

Miss Anne takes a diaper off the top of your stack. "You'll understand it when you're a grown-up," she says.

(The End)