#39, and I.... open? (a flick of the hinge)

Hey patrons, just so you know: I'm not ignoring that this place exists. I'm working on several somethings, but chief among them is a shift that is deeply personal, deeply painful, and I'm fighting myself every step of the way. I have no idea if I'm brave enough to step into this new version, this new era of myself, still. But I find myself doing it, day by day. I fuck up constantly. I am scared. I feel too vulnerable. I want to simply, die. Dissipate. Go back into my hole. Yet, I am trying to push myself closer and closer to the the hatch of the windows of my soul (bleurgh. So cliche. but... painfully true) and I want to throw them open- and on here, share a series of essays I'm working on- on life, on writing ouro through it, on trauma and how my life is shaped around it, share how I try to push through a lifetime of things that hold me back. I am -trying to- pry myself open. Gently. To be truly honest about myself, with myself, about my creativity, my reasoning, my functioning; to not put up a face and be the giddy, witty woman I know I can be if I just try hard enough, or the forlorn pitiful creature when I can't keep up. That it's not either or. That this something can exist between all of that, too. In the mundane. In the every day. I am getting a handle on it in my irl life, currently, and it has taught me that I do think I have something valuable to share. To not be either hiding or doing so much i run myself into the ground. Through all of that brainstorming, I am also trying so hard to quietly work on my writing, as a respite, and then the rest of life's demands. I'm so sorry it is taking so long. I might be silent and you might be used to it, but I just wanted to let you know that in no way is all of this removed from my life. It's the opposite. I've just always found it nerve-wracking to talk about, to share in any aspect, even more now, when I'm trying to change that. I'm hurling just being on here-- I'm not ready just yet. Sentences shared feel like shards of glass under my feet. I want to ruminate. I want to perfect. I have to push myself past the precipice at some point, but. Not. Yet. Fingers, toes, heads and holes, mama I'm coming home. Two more weeks.

Also if you didn't see the selfie I so boldly posted on my personal tumblr, I cut my hair. Bangs and curls and honestly, I think it changed my life. Yay for haircuts. Yay for... me.

(Ps, I am always reachable through the chat/DM's on here, but I was thinking. A new discord? Only for you? I confess, I've daydreamt about it. Making it a place of both accountability and respite; rant. Patreon still feels too huge for me, to do that.)