Heyyyyyyyyyy......... ♥︎

When I said posting would get spotty for a while, a two week halt is not what I had imagined. Gulp. Truth is, I’m really Going Through It right now— not in a bad way, but in a way that is incredibly hard to wrap my head around. On one hand, I feel better about ouro than I ever have; things are falling into place, I’m getting organized, words and art are tumbling out of me at a really sustainable pace. I breathed in the spores of It and It has integrated with me on a molecular level.
Then on the other hand, I feel at a complete loss with the ‘content’ part of it. Allowing myself to work on many things simultaneously, feeling joy about including this project in so many aspects of my life, does not lend itself well to finishing the bite-sized pieces that I have been posting on here, at all! It does make all the difference for my consistency in creating, but again, only if I allow myself to jump between tasks and inching my way forward that way. Couple that with my desperate need to keep everything to myself until it reaches an acceptable level of polish, and we have... this.

Every day I wake up with fun ideas on what to make, but as soon as I suggest that it could go on patreon, the basement door of my mind creaks open and the Monster slithers out, trailing insecurity all over the place, leaving it a mess. Its heartbeat beats from under the floor, it beats and beats and beats until I can’t take it anymore, and I have to quickly abandon the idea of posting lest it ruins my day, or even worse, my entire week.
This is a problem that feels solvable to me, but the constant pressure of Consistent Content is what needs to be removed, because that is like catnip for the damn thing. And that feels ridiculous to me— that’s what makes other creators so successful! Staggered releases and never letting the algorithm rest! I must feed its insatiable appetite or I will be eaten by it! How can I ever make it as a full time creator with a mindset that is the complete anathema to success today? Riddle me that, and I’ll build a sacrificial altar in your name. I know I moan about this a lot, but it really feels hopeless sometimes.

I am doing the best I can. I feel like I stumble more than I walk. I wouldn’t blame you for canceling or for expecting more of me, and I need to say that, if you are here, despite me not having anything figured out, despite the… gestures vaguely at everything, I— I feel something I can’t even find a word for. My whole life has been defined by living up to unrealistic expectations and I have worked so hard at achieving them, but at some point in these past few years that taut string snapped and I just. can’t. keep. up. anymore. That you are here to sit with me through that, to accept my imperfections while I try to rebuild is something so— so precious and comforting to me. Thank you.

For a while, I will try to share as often as I can, but I’m ridding myself of the schedule. I want to see how it works. I still have a secret task-list to be done every week, but I’m trying not to be so strict about when it is posted— while that doesn’t quite allow for consistent content, it feels more curated; purposeful, instead of just getting something out there. As long as I don't abandon unfinished work, surely I will hit a point of critical mass and have a catalogue of stuff to show you.

What do you think? Want to hunt me for sport now that I have shown vulnerability? I’m just kidding. By now I know that you are reasonable people, which is why I even feel comfortable sharing this with you in the first place— trust me when I say that it doesn’t come easy, but God Damnit does it feel worth it when I speak from the heart. 

In conclusion:

But I am still giving it my all. Someday soon, I hope this paralysis of what to share loosens, so that I can confidently tell you what it is that I am doing. Right now I have no idea! But I'm doing a lot of it, and it feels like I am on the right track. 

Also, before I go. Psst. I have something brewing that I’d like to post in the coming days, but for now, look at this: 

My new Scrivener file for all things OUROBOROS (except for actual game-text— at most there is first draft writing or deleted snippets, but mostly notes and other story components), complete with its own theme and everything. It is a pleasure to hang out in there, let me tell you. This is one of the places I’m getting organized in, combining and condensing hundreds of googly docs into this one beast of a file. It’s slow going, though incredibly gratifying to have everything right there. Revisiting lost notes and miscellaneous ideas has pulled so many good writing sessions out of me, and made me connect many dots. Look at her! Isn't she wonderful? *dreamy sigh*

That's it, my sweet. If you read through this whole thing, thank you. See you soon. x