Nora 1, working blurb
Added 2018-02-28 17:33:05 +0000 UTCOpinions?
*Nora Hazard’s adventures begin in the country of Berber on the planet Ludus. The story starts almost four years prior to the events of Delvers LLC: Welcome to Ludus.*
Nora Hazard has not had an easy life. Only through resilience, spirit, and friendship has she managed to endure. Her unbending will has even led to a leadership position within the notorious Jackals gang of Bittertown.
Unfortunately, tragedy is about to befall Nora. Grudges from the distant past and movements of shadowy organizations may take away everything she is familiar with, all the she holds dear...possibly even her life.
Danger has never stopped her before, though.
Still, survival may require escaping her old life, embarking on an insane, desperate journey. Since Nora has been born and raised on Ludus, an alien planet, she understands how dangerous her world can be. Unfortunately for her enemies, she’s no pushover, either.
Comments
Much better, except "led" is in the sentence twice, back-to-back.
William David Nix
2018-02-28 19:16:54 +0000 UTCI love the work, I might rearrange a few things to make some things more certain. Then make the dangers less certain. Below is how I would edit it; Nora Hazard has not had an easy life. Only through resilience, spirit, and friendship has she managed to survive. Her leadership position within the notorious Jackals gang of Bittertown a result of her unbending will. Unfortunately for her enemies, she’s no pushover. Born and raised on the alien planet, Ludus, Nora understands the insane and desperate acts life on her dangerous world often requires. Even so, nothing is sure. Grudges from the distant past and movements of shadowy organizations are poised to take away everything she is familiar with, all the she holds dear...possibly even her life. *Nora Hazard’s adventures begin in the country of Berber on the planet Ludus. The story starts almost four years prior to the events of Delvers LLC: Welcome to Ludus.*
Robert Brandt
2018-02-28 19:00:34 +0000 UTCOn the first part you wrote, I thought about that too, but I'm trying to think about the reader who knows nothing about the story and what might interest them more... blurbs suck :/
Blaise Corvin
2018-02-28 18:46:35 +0000 UTCI just took another crack at that sentence
Blaise Corvin
2018-02-28 18:45:50 +0000 UTC"Survival may mean escaping her old life", I would argue that that should be "Survival means ..." as the story doesn't equivocate about it. "even eventually led to" -> "lead to", to reiterate what William mentioned, the story already starts with Nora leading the Jackals. Saying 'eventually' in the blurb makes me imagine the story will start before she's leading the Jackals. I think there's a lack of connection between paragraph describing Nora's background and the tragedy part in the following paragraph. I feel like there's more I should say here, but the words for it aren't forming. Hope this helps.
V
2018-02-28 18:37:45 +0000 UTCIt's certainly catching my interest. It feels like it could still use some work though. It's difficult to put my finger on why. I would consider removing the word "eventually" from the following sentence, as I don't think it's necessary when "even" is already there. " Her unbending will even eventually led to a leadership position within the notorious Jackals gang of Bittertown." It just breaks the flow of the sentence a little, to me. Overall, it's a good blurb though! Blurbs are hard.
William David Nix
2018-02-28 18:23:26 +0000 UTC
