Delvers 3 Blurb, working draft
Added 2017-09-29 17:03:56 +0000 UTCI'm still toying with this.
What do you think of the tone? I'm still several edits away from having anything I'd consider actually making public.
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Monsters, bandits, mages, criminals, bounty hunters...a number of groups have tried to wipe out Delvers LLC. Henry Sato and James Booth have been able to survive on Ludus, the experiment planet they were kidnapped to, but only by working together.
Henry and Jason are both very different people, and after being best friends on Earth, were able to work as an adventuring team along with the other members of Delvers LLC. However, after being separated, both American men will need to adapt or die. In particular, Henry faces a trial by fire, one that may be impossible to overcome.
Now, both men must journey separately towards Mensk, their destination before being separated. Henry and Jason will face the greatest trials they’ve encountered so far on Ludus, and they’ll do it without being able to rely on each other. But while their enemies are numerous and have magic of their own, the men from Washington are armed with modern Earth know-how.
Either way, neither Henry nor Jason will go down without a fight.
Comments
Any suggestions?
Blaise Corvin
2017-10-02 12:52:20 +0000 UTCYou have far too many unnecessary, trite, turns of phrase.
2017-10-02 12:46:59 +0000 UTCI'll put up a new version later today
Blaise Corvin
2017-10-01 14:24:03 +0000 UTCI reread it in dramatic movie guy voice. You’re right!
cameron scott
2017-10-01 13:48:02 +0000 UTCI've found when it comes to blurb's if you can read it in 'Dramatic Movie Trailer Guy Voice' AKA, 'This Summer...' and it all still sounds exciting by the time you get to the end of it, then it's a good blurb. This is a good foundation, but it's not quite there yet, but with a bit of polish it'll shine on its own.
Calamity
2017-09-30 06:29:37 +0000 UTCIt was clear enough when you asked for feedback. No one is attacking you, that i can see. We just want to help :)
Micah Rutledge
2017-09-29 20:36:31 +0000 UTCGuys, my blurbs usually go through at least 5 edits before I use them. Maybe I should have made that clear.
Blaise Corvin
2017-09-29 18:50:57 +0000 UTC(Hopefully) Constructive critisism. Critique - Paragraph 2 repeats 1 and adds the last sentence which feels out of place once and redundant once you start paragraph 3. Basically, i think I mean lose paragraph 2 and it is more succinct and allows you to add something else (maybe world building hints, like "As they learn more about the world they are being force to combat, they discover that it isn't the only world they need to be concerned with" - forgive me my prose) As a perspective check - I wasn't drawn by either the artwork or blurb to book 1, despite it being first or second in my recommended list for more than a month. It was C.T Phipps review<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32148205-welcome-to-ludus" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32148205-welcome-to-ludus</a> that finally got me to give the first book a chance.
Carl Gherardi
2017-09-29 18:05:58 +0000 UTCMaybe mention Yelm and the cultists. We all hate them and want to see that fight
Micah Rutledge
2017-09-29 17:47:31 +0000 UTCI like the last bit, and i think you have the right idea as far as they were a team and now have to fight to be reunited, but overall i think this could use some work. Is a little wordy and meandering. Not up to your usual standard. Should be written for people who have already read the first two books, imo.
Micah Rutledge
2017-09-29 17:46:10 +0000 UTCNo, the epilogue will be separate. :P And meeting Jim years ago was one of the experiences I had that set me on the path of being a writer.
Blaise Corvin
2017-09-29 17:08:08 +0000 UTCDid you fold the epilogue into the last chapter, or is last part not done yet? Also Hail the Za Lord! Winter Knight and Defender of Chicago
Jokeslayer94
2017-09-29 17:06:18 +0000 UTC
