Love Collector Ch. 17

Sorry this one took a few days. I was feeling a little sick and on top of that this required a lot of changing from the outline since Oliver figures out like 80% of what Bradley was supposed to exposit to him before buying the skill. On top of that I removed some junk so that it's not overstuffed, things like Bradley knowing Oliver's mom can come later.

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There. It was over and done with, so now all he had to do was wait. Oliver wasn't sure how long it was supposed to take. The longer it did, the more awkward he felt about it.

What was even going to happen? Did he just buy himself a friend, or what? If so, that was pretty lame of him. Oliver wondered if some random guy would just show up and insert himself into his life. His imagination was getting the best of him as he pictured what this guy would be like and where he'd come from, to the point where Oliver wondered if there was a way to refund his purchase.

If there was, he couldn't find it before he heard a sudden knock.

"Shit," Oliver hopped up, startled. "Guess that's the guy, huh...?" His nervousness increased several times over as he dragged his aching body to the door.

Looking through the peephole revealed that there was nothing to worry about. It wasn't the random 'bro' he'd purchased with his powers. It was just the pizza delivery guy from PizWiz carrying his order. He seemed normal enough, so Oliver opened the door to get his food.

However, looking at him up close and personal, it was impossible not to notice something distinctly off here. The pizza man was roughly the same age as Oliver but considerably more handsome. He had dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a charming smile accentuated by shining teeth so white and glossy he could all but see himself in them.

If this dude's teeth were the only thing Oliver could see himself in, there wouldn't be a problem, but the same was true of his porcelain skin and glossy hair. This person looked as if they were made of plastic, although not in a Botox way and more of a living, breathing Ken doll kind of way.

He lit up the moment they locked eyes, opening his smiling mouth in an unhinged expression of inhuman joy.

"Well, WELL, well! Look who IT is! Oliver 'Ollie' Chase, my bestest PAL! Who would've thought I'd be sent TO your apartment on a [PIZZA DELIVERY]! Hah! Hah! HAH!" The pizza delivery guy spoke in a broken, warbling voice. It was distorted, sounding like the words didn't actually come from his mouth and were instead playing out of an old-timey radio lodged in his throat.

Making all of this worse was the uncanny way that the guy spoke. There was a bizarre emphasis on seemingly random words, and the overall tone felt hollow despite his apparent happiness. It sounded like one of those poorly made AI voiceovers that were human enough until you really started paying attention and noticed the uncanny lack of emotions. Oliver half-expected smoke to start billowing out of this awkward animatronic's mouth the next time he opened it.

He took a deep breath, trying to convince himself it wasn't as bad as it looked. "...Hey, man. Do I know you or something?" Oliver threw it out just to be sure.

"I am hurt! I am offended! I am DEEPLY wounded in the [EMOTIONS]!" The inhuman pizza dude dropped the goddamn pizza Oliver had been waiting for so that he could clutch the place where his heart would've been if he had one. "Ollie, old buddy! Old PAL! It's me, [BRADLEY]! Your loyal and most bestest bro since [Kindergarten]! Surely you remember the oath of brotherhood we SWORE on that fateful day so many years ago? You know, when we drank [Age Appropriate Beverage] beneath the peach tree on the PLAYGROUND of [Andrew Jackson Elementary School]?"

Oliver shut the door, turned his back to it, sat against it to block it off, and then squeezed his head between both hands like he was trying to pop a balloon. He didn't want the pizza anymore. He wanted a refund.

The BGM was also pulling that pseudo-thriller shit again, but that was the least of his problems.

His best bro knocked on the door again a few times, calling out, "Oliver? My friend? Whatever is THE matter? I thought you purchased [Your Best Bro] because you require assistance ON your quest to win over the hearts of [Californian Girls] and gain access to their BOUNDLESS curves?"

Oliver stood in a hurry, blushing fiercely as he opened the door to yell at his unsettling guest. "Dude, don't say shit like that in the hallway where my neighbors can hear it!"

"Does THIS mean I have permission to enter?"

"Are you a fucking vampire?"

"Hah! A folkloric reference to the well-known TROPE that [Vampires] require permission to enter someone's PLACE of residence! Truly, you are scholarly, my friend!"

"I'm going to regret this," Oliver closed his eyes and opened the door.

"Nonsense! You wouldn't REGRET letting someone in who brought you [PizWiz], would you?" Bradley opened the pizza box to reveal that the contents were all messed up from having dropped them. Molten cheese was falling in clumps from the box's ceiling.

Oliver corrected himself. "I'm already regretting this. Look. Is there any way I can refund you, or..."

"All skill purchases ARE final, and besides! You can't just refund [Seventeen Years] of friendship LIKE it never happened!" Bradley laughed artificially and trudged into Oliver's apartment.

"Yeah, sure, just waltz right in, my future sleep paralysis demon," Oliver sighed and locked the door behind him. "You can stop pretending we know each other while you're at it. I've never met you before in my life."

"Perhaps not, but THAT doesn't mean our [Treasured Memories of Youth Together] are any less real!" Bradley sat down the pizza at Oliver's coffee table and went to the kitchen to get them some paper plates and iced tea. He was strangely familiar with the layout and didn't need to be told where anything was.

"That's exactly what it means," Oliver needed that pizza, and he needed it now. It wouldn't help any of this make more sense, but it would at least help his morale. "I was wondering how the skill would work, whether it would just assign some guy to act the part or something, but... you didn't exist until a few seconds ago, did you?"

"Supposing you ARE correct, would that make [BRADLEY] any less REAL?"

Oliver looked at the approaching man, who was made of plastic and fake smiles. He had now stripped himself of his pizza delivery jacket to reveal a fancy, white button-up dress shirt and a red bowtie beneath. "...I really don't fucking know anymore."

"Hey, hey! There's no need for all that [Existential Crises]. Cheer up, PAL! Would you ENJOY a [Slice of the 'Za]?"

"Yes, Bradley. I would very much enjoy a slice of the 'za." Oliver slumped over the coffee table, giving up. He took the plate and tea his mysterious bro offered, then took a few slices of pizza. He didn't say a word when Bradley took one for himself, curious whether this thing had biological needs.

Oliver burned his tongue on the pizza and nearly dropped it after underestimating its heat. He then watched Bradley finish his entire slice in two bites, swallowing both without chewing. Bradley followed it up by downing his glass of tea in one big gulp, slamming his plastic cup down on the table like a viking in a mead hall.

"[Refreshing]!"

"Awesome," Oliver shrugged flatly. "How about you do something else for a second while I eat? I feel you're gonna stare at me unblinkingly, so I'd like to nip that in the bud."

"You know ME so well! That IS exactly what I, [Bradley], was going to do! I shall amuse myself elsewhere until YOU are ready for discussion!" By amuse himself, Bradley meant cleaning the apartment. It wasn't precisely spotless at that moment, so Oliver didn't see much reason to stop him, and it also gave him time to study his newly purchased friend.

There weren't any deductions Oliver could draw from his behavior that weren't already blindingly obvious. Bradley didn't seem real, plain and simple. Knowing that he'd somehow created this 'person' made Oliver wish he could go back and play with the character creator for a little longer. At least he was human enough at a distance, barring his dramatic, herky-jerky movements while walking around the place.

The place was looking good when Oliver was finished a few minutes later. Before he could even call out to him, Bradley noticed he was done eating and approached. "Let me take CARE of this, and then, old buddy, old PAL, all your questions shall be answered!"

"I sincerely doubt that, but do your thing."

Bradley disposed of the trash, including Oliver's energy drink can from earlier, then went so far as to zip up the remaining pizza in a baggie and stash it in his fridge without even being asked to.

"...Thanks," Oliver forced out. "You didn't have to do all that."

"Nonsense!" Bradley sat opposite Oliver and placed his hands on the table, interweaving his fingers and smiling like he was about to offer a business deal. "What are [FRIENDS] for?"

"In my experience, not a whole lot," Oliver sighed. "But I'm more interested in talking about whatever your deal is. What exactly are you, Bradley?"

"An excellent question, Oliver!"

"Please stop constantly complimenting me."

"A question that is SLIGHTLY above average quality, Oliver! I, [Bradley], am a being conjured up FROM the confines of your pink, pulsating [Mind Meat]! I was created using your newfound abilities, and now I'm here to assist YOU!"

"Was it absolutely necessary to phrase it like that?"

"How ELSE would I phrase it?"

"That's beside the point," Oliver sighed and wrangled himself to focus on what was important. "Anyway, let me get this straight. When you say you came from my brain, does that mean you're like some kind of... thoughtform, or something?"

"Precisely!" Bradley clicked his tongue and gave Oliver a pair of finger guns. "I [Wasn't], and NOW I [Am]! But that's not all, no , no, NO! Your mind has warped reality, making it like I always [was]!"

Oliver stared at the awkward best friend he willed into existence, struggling to process this new information. "How can you say that for a fact? Shouldn't it be impossible for you to know things I don't? Granted, logic doesn't serve much purpose at this point, but humor me."

"Consider yourself [Humored]!" Bradley started shooting off finger guns, then blew imaginary smoke off his fingertips as Oliver tried his best to ignore the obnoxiousness of it all. "Why are you asking when you already KNOW the answer, though?"

Oliver looked closer at Bradley, studying his appearance while doing his best to ignore the parts that kicked him squarely into the uncanny valley. He was bright, cheery, full of smiles, and much more handsome than he was. That wasn't him putting himself down. It was just a fact. Coupled with his seemingly boundless enthusiasm to help Oliver, there was no doubt about what Bradley was based on.

A time-honored tradition of the dating sim genre was the inclusion of an obligatory male best friend character. They didn't have much going on for them other than their generic, bland handsomeness and bizarre willingness to support the protagonist in any of his endeavors. Not only were they the kind of guy who would take a bullet for you, but they were also strangely up-to-date on every heroine and would provide you with anything you wanted to know about them.

There was no getting around it. A lot of characters in this archetype came off as creepy stalkers. They could get you a girl's phone number, her three measurements, a list of where she might want to be taken out on a date, her favorite gifts, and so much more. At some point, you had to wonder whether or not these kinds of guys were secretly into the protagonist and had an undisclosed cuckolding fetish. The extent to which they so eagerly bent over backward if it meant helping the player in his romantic pursuits was more than suspect.

These kinds of guys also served as info-dump characters, which was why Oliver thought it might be handy to have someone like that around to begin with.

"You know more than I do because that's your role, yeah?"

"Bingo, bango, BONGO! I'm an [Amalgamation] of the hundreds of BEST friend characters you've experienced throughout your MANY years of [Jacking It]! Knowing things I shouldn't! Supporting you! Spying on [Hispanic Stoner Girls]! It's ALL part of the [Package]!"

"Yeah, let's go ahead and strike that last one off the list," Oliver blushed but remained firm. "I didn't buy you to memorize Mia's daily routine, so you better not do anything creepy like that. I just needed someone I could talk to that could give me some answers."

"YOU got it, bro!" Bradley winked, the expression so uncanny it forced Oliver to shiver and look away. "Ask away!"

"So, I get what you're based on, but that doesn't really explain why you look and talk like you do. You're... a lot, Bradley. It's hard for me to deal with you right now on top of everything else."

"Have you not already FIGURED that one out?"

"Is posing rhetorical questions to get me thinking about them on my own the only way you know how to explain things?"

"Do you believe that to be THE case?"

Oliver sank into his seat and rubbed his forehead. "Please just tell me the answer."

"Sure thing, but I'm obligated TO mention that it might hurt your [Fragile Emotions]!" Bradley vacantly smiled at Oliver, looking for confirmation. Oliver made a gesture telling him to get on with it, so he did. "You had practically zero memories of [True Friendship] to UTILIZE in my creation, so any perceived [Artificiality] or [Lack of Soul] stems solely from THAT!"

"God, I wish that didn't make as much sense as it did..." Oliver grumbled but was determined not to let it bother him. "I don't suppose you tell me why any of this is happening in the first place, could you?"

"Does it really matter WHY? Must you look a [Gift Horse] in the MOUTH?"

"Don't get me wrong, most of this seems really cool aside from the scary shit... but there's a lot of stuff about it that makes me uncomfortable, too. Knowing why it's happening would help me understand why that stuff is there."

"Ah! Referring to [Corruption Skills], are we?" There was a knowing glimmer in Bradley's eye.

"...Yes."

"Oliver, Oliver, Oliver..." Bradley sighed dramatically. "If you want me to stop [Posing Rhetorical Questions], you really NEED to stop asking them yourself! You know why THOSE skills are there, don't you? It's because YOU want them there!"

Oliver got quiet as he stared into Bradley's eyes, his fist trembling beneath the table. "That's bullshit-"

"Is it, though? Everything comes down to YOU, my friend! You're the [Source] of IT all! Think about it, Ollie. None of this would be happening if it wasn't what YOU desired. You wished your life was more like a [Cozy and Risy Dating Sim] instead of the [Sad-ass Crap Factory] it used to be, and your subconscious reshaped THE world exactly the way you wanted it, [Warts and All]!"

"I could maybe believe all of that if you weren't suggesting that I still wanted to do that kind of fucked up shit. It's not like I have a better explanation than 'psychic awakening', and that seems in line with what you were saying about you being a thoughtform... but..."

Bradley frowned and leaned slightly across the table. Rather than looking horrified, Oliver thought he came off as genuinely sympathetic. It was the first real hint of emotion he'd seen from him.

"Is it truly SO difficult to believe you're NOT as [Put Together] as you try to convince yourself you've become? That you don't still struggle with [Blackpilled Nonsense] in the back of YOUR head every so often? You can't deceive me, Oliver." Bradley pointed at his forehead. "I've ONLY been [Alive?] for a half-hour or so, but I came from UP there. I know what [Lurks Within]."

Oliver bit his lip and dug his nails into his upper leg through his pants. He looked away from Bradley, now gazing into his reflection in the TV. The same guy he didn't care to see was staring straight back at him, the same as ever. "God damn it..."

"I understand why that might TROUBLE you, but if I MAY offer an [Alternative Perspective]?"

Oliver tore his eyes from the black mirror, forcing himself to look back at Bradley. "Nobody's stopping you."

"Everyone has their own [Mental Scars]. Many people go ON with their lives while trying to [Bottle it Up Inside], but not YOU. You took the HAND that was offered and PUT effort into [Emotionally Healing]. Your scars still [Lingering] as [Intrusive Thoughts and Subconscious Desires] doesn't detract from what YOU'VE achieved. It just means you are [Normal]."

Feeling humbled, much of Oliver's tension loosened up. "...Thanks, man. I don't usually talk about this stuff to anyone else, and I kind of get trapped going in circles. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's hard not to."

"You're not alone anymore. You have ME, [Your Best Bro]!" Bradley extended his hand, looking for a high-five. He looked creepy about it, sure, but still. Oliver was compelled to give him what he wanted. It wasn't a very enthusiastic high-five, but it made Bradley happy regardless.

"I hope I can get used to you," Oliver laughed uncomfortably. "You're not that bad, you know."

"And neither are YOU! Try to remember that MORE often."

Oliver was silent for a few moments before nodding his head. "I'll stop worrying so much about the corruption skills. They don't say anything about the kind of person I am, just the one I was."

"Glad you see it MY way!"

"Yeah, and there are more important things to stress out about, anyway. Wanna see if you can provide any insight on the heroine situation and maybe workshop a game plan with me?"

Bradley smiled from ear to ear. "You already know the ANSWER, my friend."