RotGM Chapter 74 - 100% Compatibility

Unedited

UPDATE- added a few new sentences for lore. I bolded the ones I added so you can tell.

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I pour Lux yet another glass of ambrosia, noticing instantly that I’m starting to run very low. A third of the bottle is all that’s left, but it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve learned practically everything I wanted to during this conversation and the only thing remaining to do is convince her to do the miracles I came here for in the first place.

“I don’t suppose you can tell me anything further about the power of these eyes of mine? Knowing how to make them unlock their potential would be nice right about now.” I dangle the shot glass out in front of her, and the Goddess swipes it with an angry glare.

“Don’t patronize me, Mortal!” Luxy barks and then drinks it gratefully. “I already said you’re pretty close to figuring it out, anyway. Keep on keepin’ on and you’ll get there real soon.”

“How wonderfully helpful.”

“Aren’t I?” Luxy winks and sticks her tongue out at me, causing another long, drawn out sigh from my lips. I can only imagine how many times I’ve done so during this one encounter thus far.

Things need to change between us, and I need to be the one to lay out the rules going forward.

“If I’m going to defeat the Demon Lord- and I AM going to do so- you’re going to need to work as closely as you can to my desires from now on.” I cross my arms and look down at her, using the difference in my height to appear imposing.

“Hmph. I’ve watched you do this before. I know how you alter your body language to be more threatening...” She turns her nose up at me in response, apparently forgetting how scary I can be.

“I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m trying to get you to understand that you need to put aside your rampant pettiness and help me when I ask for something specific.”

“I already gave you a dungeon just yesterday! Isn’t that good for a while?” She sighs and looks away with a nervous sweat.

“You gave me a dungeon that’s useless. We can’t use it.”

I briefly explain the Guild policies regarding new Dungeon registration and remind her of my war with the Duke of Dewhurst.

“Well that’s fucking stupid, you sure you guys can’t just sneak in?”

“I would prefer that I keep my Guild Master’s license given that it’s all that’s standing between the realms and ten thousand years of darkness.” I narrowly squint my eyes and she cowers back.

“Well... I DID kinda fuck off for like... twenty two years... soooo... I guess you DO have a lot of divine intervention saved up. At least compared to- AH! Whoops, that was bad, almost let something slip.” She sighs in relief, apparently happy that she avoided a major breach of the ancient laws.

She didn’t.

I suppose it doesn’t count, but there’s such a thing as context clues. From just that single misstep I can pretty much figure out that the enemy, the Demon Lord, has himself a godly helper as well. Lux Ultima’s elder twin sister, Tenebris Primis- the First Darkness.

She must be a much more competent and helpful sponsor because from the sound of it that fucker’s doing pretty alright for himself these days.

Looking at the childish Goddess thirstily drooling over her next potential fix of ambrosia, it’s hard not to wish I could trade places.

“Would you be able to grant me two things that I desire today, Luxy?”

She scowls as if the idea of taking orders from a mortal disgusts her, but shakes it off and tries to not take it personally. “They still have to be within reason, I can only help so much so often. Rules are rules, even if they’re dumb ones. And I can’t tell you anything that would make your conflicts easier, like... I can’t just point you in the direction of the Duke of Dewhurst’s true identity or anything that’d stop you, the Hero of Light, from growing as a person.”

“I figured as much. One would just be doing what you already do for me, so I figured that wouldn’t be too much of a big deal.”

“You mean...?”

“Yes. Fuck it, find me an adventurer with a Healer class before Opalina punishes me any further. Hook me up.”

“Hmph.” She crosses her arm as if to mock me. “I already had the next few adventurers in mind. Are you saying that I should throw out my plans? Because that would imply you think that you know better than myself.”

“I do think I know better than you.”

Luxy loses her shit briefly and gets all puffy about it before calming herself yet again. “Oh, I’ll find you a healer alright. I’ll find you the best damn healer POSSIBLE.” The Goddess snaps her fingers and a small, glowing tablet made of light appears in her hands. It’s transparent, so I can vaguely see the other side of the screen that she’s staring down at.

“How the fuck does picking out girls for me even work? I suppose now would be a good time to make that clear.” I ask after raising an eyebrow.

The Goddess of Light smirks and shows off the object to me. “Oh, THIS old thing? It’s no big deal. Though I suppose I could explain it if you really want me to... for another cup of ambrosia.”

“Yes, yes. I figured as much.” This Goddess is unbelievably selfish, even now after the ups and downs of our long conversation. I prepare her another glass and grimace knowing I only have two to three cups left.

Luxy stops what she’s doing to taste her sweet, godly nectar and she lets out a small burp afterwards and blushes, looking at me with embarrassment. I look away to pretend as if I didn’t hear it since I don’t really want her to go on a whole tangent where she tries to convince me Goddesses don’t burp or some such nonsense like that.

“Ok so this thing is the coolest shit, right? All the Gods were on my case a couple of months back begging me to start helping you again-”

“I wonder why?”

“...Don’t interrupt, Mortal. As I was saying. I called in a bunch of favors from different Gods and Goddesses of Love from a buuuunch of different realms and shit. This app is like a compendium of every registered female adventurer in all realms that currently have Adventurer’s Guilds!” To prove her point, she shows me the screen of the tablet and sure enough there are pictures of a truly staggering number of beautiful, young looking adventurers ranging from every manner of race imaginable not only from Karnalle but from Ikkuni... Gothicca... Kissuara... Midgard... Everafter and even High Verne, too. It seems my candidates truly do span across all seven inner realms.

Not sure what the fuck an ‘app’ is, though.

“Of course, I don’t ALWAYS pick from that pool... there are exceptions, girls who aren’t yet adventurers or girls that will be...”

“Like Sam?”

“Yes, she was extremely important for me to set you up with as early as possible because she came with the Mage as a two for one deal guaranteed! Don’t sleep on her, by the way. Even if she’s damaged goods she’s still-”

I rise from my chair and glare down angrily with pure, simmering rage. “Don’t call Zutiria that EVER again.”

Instead of standing up to me or trying to be bitchy on the topic, Luxy shrinks back in her soft looking chair and meekly nods her head.

Silence passes between us as I slowly sink down into my rickety seat again. Luxy doesn’t apologize but eventually goes back to her explanation. “So, um... I can sort out all these potential matches and I always make sure to only pick ones that are both virgins AND have a 100% compatibility rating with you!”

“How many of those even are there?” I’m not sure the virgin part is strictly necessary but I’m hardly going to complain about it. It certainly explains a few things, though.

“I told you I sculpted your heart myself, didn’t I?” Luxy laughs proudly. “I meant that literally. I made you easy to love and gave you an endless capacity to give love back. In a way you’re my masterpiece! You’ve got more 100% match ups than any other soul in Karnalle! Tall, dark, moody and brooding... and SO much baggage. Fuck, dude. Girls love that shit, trust me. UH. Not that the baggage shit is... my fault or anything.”

“It is.” I angrily squint my eyes and she looks away once more.

She groans. “I told you that I’m doing my best for you, OK? Fuck. Would it kill you for a LITTLE bit of praise when I’m at least trying to play ball?”

“You know? It just might.”

“...So you want a healer, huh? I’ll get you a fucking healer, alright. I’ll get you the BEST healer.” Her focus goes to her strange little tablet again, and I get a very bad feeling as she scribbles a number of strange symbols with her finger, and one by one the girls on display are dwindling by the moment. I imagine she wrote in some sort of qualifiers that narrowed down her options, like she was searching for a very specific outcome.

The display changes as she magically scrolls through the different options available until coming across a portrait of a girl that makes her stop, raise an eyebrow and smile a highly worrisome smug smile.

I can’t see the girl very well since the tablet is no longer facing me, but I can definitely see how her portrait is the only one with a large red frame around it. All the others are blue.

Perhaps I’m reading too much into this? She wouldn’t be so vindictive as to make my life harder just because I wouldn’t praise her... would she?

Luxy clicks on the girl in question and it zooms in on her profile, now that the picture is in better view I can make out a few scant details about her from the other side but it’s not much help... the only thing I can get out of it even with MY eyes is that the girl has white skin and long, pink hair. The red frame has not gone away, in fact touching the picture seems to have made it flash as if in warning. Luxy scrolls down past the picture and comes across a long, long pile of text that I can only assume is a dossier of sorts.

“Ah, perhaps I should have a look at that for just a moment there-”

“Nah dude don’t worry. She’s super hot. She’ll have the second biggest boobs in your harem thus right after Doctor Sugartits.”

“Yes well personality isn’t everythi- ...Almost as big as Opal, you say?” I tilt my head in perverted curiosity before another warning flag is raised.

Luxy presses an icon on the display and a strange voice rings out as if from the tablet itself. ‘WARNING. ARE YOU SURE?’

“Ugh, stupid fucking thing. I already clicked yes.”

“...Clicked?”

“Just God shit you mortals aren’t ready for yet. Maybe in a few hundred years you’ll see, clicking is pretty dope.”

“Can you... unclick or something? Is that an option? Luxy?”

That same worrisome voice appears once more and says, ‘CONFIRMED.’

“There. Your healer is on her way. The app will do some random godly shit in her life that’ll conveniently set her on the path to Dewhurst within a week or two.”

“Great. Thanks, I hate it. So how much does it change their lives when you do that? It’s not going to like, send her on a spiral and just to make sure she lands on my dick is it?”

Luxy smirks and the tablet of light disappears just as easily as it came. “Nah, for the fat chick it just made her old Guild Master even more irritated than he already was at her and was like I know, I’ll send the bitch to DEWHURST HAHAHA I’M SUCH A SNOBBY DOUCHEBAG WHO CAN ONLY GET PUSSY BECAUSE OF MY POSITION AS GUILD MASTER!”

...

“No offense.”

I sigh and rub my temples from stress. “Some taken. And for the record, I’m getting very close to slapping you again. First you make light of my adorable Mage’s severe personal issues and now you call my Shield Maiden ‘fat’ just because she has more curves than a little brat like you could ever dream of having? Stop being such a spoiled fucking bitch.”

“I DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS FORM YOU KNOW!” She blushes, stands up and pouts. “I REPRESENT HOLINESS, LIGHT, PURITY, INNOCENCE AND ALL THAT OTHER STUPID SHIT! APPARENTLY THAT MEANS I GET TO LOOK LIKE I’M BARELY EIGHTEEN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!”

“GOOD NEWS, YOU DON’T LOOK EIGHTEEN!” I stand up and smack her, although much, much lighter than I did the first time. Now it feels almost like a comedy routine between two jesters. It can’t be that I’m actually getting used to this... am I?

“Fucker...” Luxy narrows her eyes and rubs her red, swollen cheek. “Unless you have any more questions, tell me what you want for your other miracle and I’ll send you back so you can go pick out your new pussies. I tire of this.”

“You gave me a magic dick and a harem without the endless stamina necessary to make use of both. Please fix such glaring and cosmically stupid oversight.”

“Well gee that sure is an urgent fucking crisis. Give me the rest of the ambrosia.”

“I offer the rest to you, you can drink it when I leave. I don’t want to be here much longer, either.”

“Good enough.” She sighs and snaps her fingers.

“...I don’t feel any different.”

“Of course not. You’re not having sex right now. Next time you do you’ll find that as long as ONE of your bedmates has the strength to go on, so will you. Maybe you should have a look real quick down there... just to be sure...?” Luxy’s smile becomes all the more nefarious and a chill runs down my spine.

...

I unbuckle my belt for the second time in this Goddess’s presence and my face goes white as a sheet.

“No... NO.”

“Oh, is something wrong?” The blonde, curly haired bitch who ruined my life asks in a bitchy, life ruining tone that reminds me that I hate her because she ruined my life and is intent on making my every day a waking hell.

Gazing down at my naked cock, everything is exactly as it should be.

That’s the problem.

There’s no big black heart band tattoo on my dick anymore.

Zutiria now has to give me an entirely new Rune of Safe Passage.

...

With my dick flopping about and my pants on my legs I run towards Luxy with my arms outstretched and my face red, fully ready to choke this bitch and find out if the divine need air just as badly as mortals do. “I’M GOING TO TEST MY NEW BLESSING OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND YOU’RE GOING TO WISH THE DAMN RUNE WAS THERE TO MAKE IT EASIER ON YOU, I SWEAR TO ALL THE GODS THAT -AREN’T- YOU, YOU GRANDPA-KILLING PIECE OF-”

Luxy sticks her tongue out at me and snaps her fingers, and all of a sudden I’m back in my office.

I... think I’m going to need to take the rest of the day off.