Bury for President 2024 (Patreon Exclusive)

First and foremost.. I'm not dead! I'm struggling to get back into the loop of things while working around some medical developments. BUTT I'm here now, and I cranked out a pretty fun caption for this one! 

You listened in awe “...And in local news, county implementation of new federal legislation is stimulating the local economy with new plumbing contracts. As the new infrastructure is finished this week, you can expect a new faucet in your home, and a new new line on your utility bill of ‘Advanced Sweet Cream’. The initiative to garnish each residential home with a line of synthetic heavy cream will undoubtedly have a positive effect on the housing market, as having this addictive, pink sweet goop on tap will increase the value of your home by an average of..”

Despite your carefully curated media consumption, it’s a constant battle to avoid whatever weekly ‘Travesty’ or ‘Controversy-gate’ is being overblown. It was easy to ignore the bold headlines, “Mad Scientist ‘Bury’ Elected President, Seizes Senate and House Overnight in Unprecedented Coup!”. 

In direct contrast to your extreme, compounding skepticism, your girlfriend seemed absolutely ecstatic. She told you that she had called ahead of time for the advanced package, where a line is piped directly to the front room, and now your once minimalist and relaxing living room has a garish plastic faucet slightly off-center, below your television.

Your girlfriend loves the stuff, as soon as the plumbers left she was  already desperately cranking on the faucet handle and then eagerly latched onto the output. You’ve been ‘researching’ ever since, you couldn’t pull her off even to put the extension hose for her to sit on the couch with you, she seemed completely engrossed and consumed by the transfer of fluids into her, and complacent in staring at the new drywall, slightly drooling and softly whimpering. You couldn’t find anything online about this mysterious pink cream, all your search results led point back to an incredibly vague article, talking about how the cream was ‘specially formulated to enhance citizens relationships’.

Enough; there’s only so many ways to reword a google search, it felt like the whole internet was conspiring not to mention this stuff; what could you do against such an effort- one tired skeptic with a smudged ipad? You take a break and massage your brow, you had been straining your eyes over that screen without your glasses all evening, and you’re now graced with a minor headache, and some blurriness, as usual. You look up at your girlfriend, she had been sitting there happily chugging away this whole time- strange, she looks somewhat, different? Did she get up and grab some pillows to sit on without you noticing?

After moments of slow focusing, your vision very quickly clears with a rapid increase of blood pressure. Her butt, is at least as big as two, doughy  exercise balls- and slowly churning bigger in small waves in sync with her eager gulping. How is that even physiologically possible? There’s no way the human body could produce that much adipose tissue, or make up that much skin to house it all, and without stretch marks? 

You stare, transfixed and in a stupor of trying, and failing explanations of what is, and isn’t possible- when, with a hiccup, she jerks upright- similarly, out of her own stupor. She finally unwraps her mouth from the faucet, and as she experiments with the faucet’s handle without success, you spy her rear wasn’t the only inflation made. Her lips, once flat, were two thick, pink balloons, each cartoonishly round and plump, rivaling the diameter of a small bottle of Advil.

“Pink’s gone! Want cream..” She sputters dumbly, with a pouty look dramatically enhanced by her disproportionately plump lips. Standing, you’re stunned by her dramatic change in hip diameter. She walks slowly towards you.. 

“You have faucet, your turn to give cream…”