The Shape of Failure

Hello dugongs,

This is going to be one of those, Where the fuck I’ve been messages.

(There's an audio version of this message also for those who prefer to listen. Apologies for poor quality, I'm away from home at the moment. It can be found here: https://soundcloud.com/exurbia-1/the-shape-of-failure/s-dm1cC )

First off I’m obviously not going to be accepting your kind patronage for this month; I’ve put nothing out. And on that note:

Sorry I haven’t put anything out for a bit. I’m dividing my time between the new video, the new book, and assuming the fetal position and crying into the cat.

I hit a roadblock recently. And at least subjectively, a sizable one. I’ve since moved past it, and though it was a rather specific roadblock, I’m going to tell you about it because it assumed the shape of all roadblocks in general, and maybe yours look like mine did too.

There’s a quote that gets recycled over and over, something to the effect of: “Writing a book is like driving through fog. You can only see a few feet ahead, but you can make the whole journey that way.”

All roadblocks are like that, really.

I guess I’d add that when you finally get to your destination, the fog is gone, and you look back through the rear-view mirror and think, But it was so obvious all along!

No it wasn’t. No it fucking wasn’t.

The new book is shaping up to be something I did not expect. Clearly these things come from some strange subconscious place, and when the story calls to you, you follow. I followed it for months straight into a glaring plot hole and when that didn’t work, I shouted at the thing, and that didn't work, and then one gets miserable. That was August and September.

I tried to work on other stuff, but much like having fallen in love, or not, you can’t trick yourself one way or the other. I scoured writing manuals, even started watching Californian self-help videos. Then, after two months of self-pity I was lying in my childhood bed visiting my parents, staring up at the ceiling feeling all frustrated and thought, What if I just carry on regardless? So I did.

And you know what? Everything was fine then, and when it wasn’t, I knew it was fixable and I fixed it, or tried, and the things I couldn’t fix, I didn’t.

I know that sounds very simple, but it was now about 40,000 words ago, so it clearly worked. The plot tangles I was getting caught up in were just rabbits one was mistaking for wolves by dim light. They were quite friendly when I went over to say hello. Then they went away.

Haven’t you found ‘stuckness’ is often like that? In getting caught between jobs, or weighed down by poor planning, or running up against some silly obstacle, you blow the thing out of all proportion until you can’t bear to look at it. May I recommend you just ask yourself, What if I just carry on regardless? I bet you could sort whatever it is out in a day, and if not, at least make a plan. And plans are great. (Some of my German friends make lists of all the lists they’re going to write before they even start planning. Isn’t that cute?)

My only point is that the feeling of 'fucking up' or failure has a shape to it; there's a pattern. When you're inside the thing you just want to give up and do anything, anything else so as not to feel ashamed. Based on my limited experience of late though: don't do that. Treat it like a test of your resolve. Keep writing or running or revising or learning or whatever the hell it is that's getting you down. You probably only need take a few more steps and you'll be back in the sun. The feeling that everything is fucked and you're stupid is exactly the point when you should double your resolve, I'm suggesting. I'm not saying it's easy, and it took me several months and a visit home and a few days walking the family dog to realise it, but it is possible.

That’s enough writer’s tears. If you’re curious, all else is well, and the feline is fine, and I’m doing a spot of travelling at the moment to try to finish the book. I’m on a plane currently as it happens. That looks a lot like Germany below. It's very pretty.

Anyway. Lordy what a world we’re living in at the moment. It’s a curious thing watching one’s country in such a pickle; the Brexit debacle. Though I don’t live there anymore, I check the news every day and it’s sort of exciting and it’s sort of terrifying. We haven’t faced a pickle like this since the second world war; two generations ago. There are obviously horrdenous crises in the world right now; countries in constant strife, but visiting the UK a month or so ago, I was struck by how everyone is just fed up of all the arguing, whatever their stance. I must say, I rather liked that no matter who you’re talking to, there’s always the subject of Brexit in common you can fall back on and everyone has an opinion. There hasn’t been a common topic in British life as far as I ever remember, in my lifetime anyway. So that’s…nice?

Eyy, did you notice a quantum computer outperformed a classical computer for the first time? (Link to article ) I’ve been waiting for that for years now and it was a joy to find out. There are still countless problems with quantum computing, namely just how difficult it is to keep quantum states consistent (this is a brilliant video about just how picky qubits are: ) but engineers are getting there. It is very possible that in our lifetimes we will have a quantum module in our PCs dealing with encryption and sorting and all kinds of madness. (Incidentally, encryption in general will probably be pretty fucked if we crack quantum computing, so that’ll be terrifying in itself. Maybe we'll have to find a new security paradigm, who knows?)

Also I'm listening to a wonderful audiobook called Rocket Men: The Daring Oddyssey of Apollo 8 and if you're even a little bit interested in space, I recommend it. It's all about the first men to orbit the moon (before Armstrong and Aldrin went after and actually walked on it.) I'm always a bit angsty when flying, and by coincidence, just as we were taking off today, the audiobook got to the bit where the astronauts took off in their massive Saturn V. I looked out the window and thought, “Yeah, and I thought this was scary...?” Riding yet-untested engineering into the atmosphere, out of the atmosphere, round the moon, and back down again on parachutes. It's hard to draw the line between insane and daring, but they just must've been so, so brave.

I won't take up more of your time, I just wanted to check in really. The world is extremely pretty from 30,000 feet and they've just started serving tea, so if you'll excuse me...

Wherever you are in the world, I hope it's a pleasant day and that the rest of the week is pleasant too. Per usual, when anything substantial is finished you'll be the first to know, and I'm giving these next projects my damndest effort. I hope you're working on something exciting too, and I hope you're well. And of course thank you ever so much for continuing to support my work. 

All the very, very best as ever,

Ex.