The OFFICIAL True Crimefighters Podcast!

Written by HikerAngel

Part of a trade with MonkeyFreed

Adamizer’s expression was less than fruitful as he looked at the name of the podcast he was supposed to be guest-starring on. He had heard rather unsavory stories regarding radio shows of similar ilk, how they glamorized horrific atrocities for viewership and created content farms out of culture.

These two hosts in particular had a string of controversies surrounding them. Adamizer was wondering if he should make a podcast just so they could beg to be on it and redeem their image. But alas, he did not live in a world of reason and logic. Clickbait and rage drove the current ecosystem of sympathy.

He was the most powerful superhero in the world, nay, in the universe. Why was he stooping to the level of podcast guest? Sure, he had accidentally killed two civilians while juggling a robbery and political corruption scandal, but the people’s money was safe and they could rest easy knowing that a friendlier face would be leading them to a brighter future.

The masses didn’t care, and now he was three days into a three-week apology tour—his manager’s words, not his own.

“Superheroes these days are just so weak, you know?” Shawna, one of the hosts of TOTCFP baselessly claimed as Ysolda, the other host, nodded along in total agreement. The TikTok snippet of their show that had appeared on his feed seemed to confirm all of his worst fears. Here were two women spreading hateful gospel about his kind, and worst of all, they were absolute stunners!

As he watched more clips of their misinformation-laden podcast, he found himself staring at whatever glimpses of Shawna’s well-developed butt as he could catch. The 25-year-old’s voluptuous hips would often roll from side to side in her seat as she giggled at whatever wild story her cohost spun up next. Her tempered bosom was even more of a sight to behold, subtly jiggling with creamy vibrations at every pause to lean or stretch.

Ysolda had piercing blue eyes which haunted Adamizer even though she was little more than pixels on a screen up to this point. She was also similarly tall, gorgeous, and blonde—well, for an average human. Neither woman could exactly hold a candle to Adamizer’s monolithic seven feet of height, but they didn’t need to be. Both girls had been blessed with powerful puberties and excellent makeup routines, cursing the hero’s pants to tent if he stared at them for too long. In his line of work, most women’s bodies had a figure bearing more in common with upright planks of wood than anything these bimbos could offer. He was used to old secretaries and ancient politicians, not these young, rambunctious twenty-somethings!

This wasn’t good. People listened to beautiful women. Well, not always, but they listened to these ones! No wonder trust in superheroes was at an all-time low! It didn’t help that these two women were infamous for abusing systems and algorithms for their own benefits, filing false copyright claims against their adversaries and also sic’ing their rabid fanbase on anyone who disagreed with them.

But the man of hope and justice knew he couldn’t give up now. Sure, he wasn’t the best public speaker, as most of his speeches were ghostwritten beforehand, but this was a podcast! He didn’t need a lofty diatribe, just the ability to riff with others in a back-and-forth environment. He could do that! Maybe they’d realize the error of their ways and would change their tunes about him. After all, these were probably just two misguided women who, in the end, would value the truth in their minds over the dollar signs in their eyes.

With his confidence reaffirmed, he ceased his pacing back and forth within the cloud layer and descended to the studio where he was awaited. It was a surprisingly standard office complex, with hallways so unassuming and bare they wrapped back around to unnerving.

Was this some sort of trap? Where was everyone? 

“Oh, there you are,” came a familiar voice, but not in the tone he was expecting. He rapidly whisked around only to see Shawna casually refilling her cup at the nearby water fountain. He was expecting a hostile greeting, but she seemed almost indifferent to his existence. To most, he was the most powerful superhero in the world. To her, he was just another guest of the week.

“Feel free to grab a refreshment if you’d like, we’ve only got water and Diet Coke though. Plus most of the Coke is for Ysolda anyways.”

She didn’t strike him as some grand mastermind of manipulation at all. If anything, she was rather mundane. Maybe this would be a rather normal interview that he wouldn’t have anything to worry about?

Then Shawna turned around to leave.

Adamizer’s hungry eyes were instantly drawn to her behind, chewing at every inch of her heart-shaped curves as they hugged her tight jeans. Lost in thought, mesmerized by the unburdened view of Shawna’s penduluming derrière, he shambled like a zombie into the recording studio without getting a beverage of any kind, not that any amount of human food or drink could satisfy his ravenous hunger.

All he could hope was that the round table they sat at would hide most of their features.

“Oh nice, he actually showed up,” Ysolda remarked with a similar level of casual callousness as Adamizer walked in, only for him to immediately sit down with his superspeed.

“Y-yes, I have arrived,” he awkwardly replied, biting his firm lip to disguise its slight tremble. “Forgive me, my legs are feeling rather tired from the commute.” That was a lie. Shawna and Ysolda’s assets weren’t the only below-the-waist ones that would be hidden with the round table’s coverage.

“Didn’t you fly here?” Shawna asked. It wasn’t even intended as an accusative statement that would put him on the backfoot, just a legitimate question out of curiosity. “Does your flight actually tire your legs when you take off or something?”

To his surprise, Shawna didn’t back him into a corner or mock him for what seemed like such an obvious lie. If anything, she offered a perfectly reasonable explanation to make sense of his bogus claim.

“Yes, that is true. Fighting gravity for prolonged periods is never easy, and I find my legs and arms growing quite exhausted as I travel to other countries and even states sometimes depending on the commute.”

The two women nodded, accepting his confession without question.

“Honestly, I get it. You have to put up a tough face because the people have to see you as invincible or else they’ll stop believing in you,” remarked Shawna, offering a surprisingly wise insight into Adamizer’s lie. “I think this is going to be a very fruitful podcast discussion indeed.”

A hopeful smile bloomed on Adamizer’s face. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Had the clips he’d seen and the horror stories he’d heard been blown out of proportion? Perhaps these women were actually very pleasant and merely dipped into absurdist humor from time to time?

“Anyways, folks, I think our daylight is dawdling, wouldn’t you agree?” Ysolda asked, clasping her hands together for a sense of focus as she walked over to join Adamizer at the table.

“I agree, Yee!” Shawna replied, adding a cute little shortening of her co-host's name to the mix. She completed the fabled table trio, setting her headphones into her bushel of curly raven hair and gave a thumbs up to Ysolda.

The sexy blonde’s full lips curled into a superior smirk as her manicured fingernails clacked a few keys on the nearby laptop. The studio lit up as recording began, with Ysolda shouting into her stand mic at full volume.

“WEEEEEEEEEEELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE OFFICIAL TRUE CRIMEFIGHTERS PODCAST!”

Adamizer winced in pain as the audio struck his supersonic ears at full blast, disorienting him as if a flashbang had just been set off in his face. Was this a podcast opener or the starting cries of a metal band?

“The ooooonly podcast with the gracious sponsor of Diva Aphrodite Supplements™!” Shawna continued, holding up a bottle of suspicious pills that were most definitely not FDA regulated. “Guaranteed to give your pussy the power it needs to stay dominant in the bedroom!”

That was a bunch of nonsense jargon if Adamizer had ever heard it, and the two women’s relentless onslaught of the human senses and sensibilities wasn’t slowing down one bit.

“Today we have a very special guest, isn’t that right, Shawna?”

“Thaaaat’s right, Ysolda! He loved our patented Truth Talk about him so much he just had to come and see it himself! Let’s see if he can survive our unending stream of facts and logic as the American people see this horrific monster for who he really is!”

“M-monster!? Hey! That’s hardly—“ the hero attempted a retort, only to be quickly talked over once more. Whatever he thought was going to happen, it most certainly wasn’t this!

“Look at that, he’s already stuttering! Tell me folks, have you ever seen a non-guilty person stutter like that?” the devious blonde accused, half-lidding her eyes and squishing her cheek with a finger. “We haven’t even pressed him on the allegations of his fitness routine yet!”

He wasn’t sitting between them as a sign of inclusiveness, he was the witness on trial being grilled by both the attorney and the prosecutor. This wasn’t a podcast, this was a prison—and he was on death row. Adamizer was so caught off guard by their collective heel turn that he could barely muster a response. All he could do was shrink in his seat like a frightened animal.

“So true! We’ve known this whole time that he’s not exactly the toughest superhero around, and that he uses a mix of crisis actors and A.I-generated tragedies to make him seem more powerful than he really is!”

“Yeah, I bet even you could beat him in a fight, Shawna!”

“I tooooootally could. It wouldn’t even be hard!”

At that moment, Atomizer saw an out. A way for him to put their money where their mouths were. Sure, they could claim all day that everything he did was fake, but to claim that they could beat him in a fight? Well, he could disprove that one right here with irrefutable evidence. He sat up in his chair and placed his arm down on the table in front of him with his elbow bent, gesturing towards an arm wrestling competition with Shawna. The force of his arm hitting the table was enough to give every object from coasters to laptops a jump of airtime, but it didn’t seem to deter the smug confidence of the two women in the slightest.

“So, you think you’re stronger than me? I’d bet you couldn’t even beat me in an arm wrestling contest.”

He expected Shawna to back down, to come up with some slimy justification to wriggle her way out of being humiliated in front of an audience of millions. But to his surprise, she didn’t back down in the slightest. Conversely, she placed her own slim arm onto the table to little fanfare from physics, locking her dainty fingers around his thick ones.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. Wouldn’t want to humiliate you too badly,” Shawna claimed, further driving home the downright delusional belief that she could somehow beat him. At first, Adamizer wanted to share the same sentiment, but now he wanted to shatter her arm and the table with it.

“Alright then, on three…” Ysolda began, gleefully smiling. No matter the outcome, she would benefit from the spike in viewers. “...Three—”

Slam!

Adamizer was so distracted by Shawna’s beauty that he had no time to prepare when his opponent jumped the gun and acted two counts too early. Without him putting force behind his arm, his hand was as good as a 15 pound domino for her to easily topple over.

“What! Hey! No fair!” the hero complained. “You went ahead of Ysolda’s count!”

“Uh, no, dumbass. Ysolda said to go on the count of three, and so once she said ‘three’ I acted,” Shawna replied nonchalantly.

“Don’t tell me you’re so stupid you can’t even count to three,” Ysolda added. “Guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though.”

Adamizer impatiently planted his arm back on the table, demanding a rematch—one which Shawna was all too happy to accept. They locked arms again, with Adamizer becoming acutely aware of just how smooth her skin felt. His nostrils were assaulted with hints of her green apple perfume. He couldn’t remember the last time he was face-to-face with a woman who had put this much effort into her appearance, making sure that her shirt revealed a tasteful amount of dark, creamy cleavage.

Regardless, he wasn’t going to let them slander him through bullshit technicalities. All he had to do was keep his muscles tense and they’d never be able to get a leg up on—

Before he could finish his thought, he felt a painful twist in his arm muscles as Shawna once more claimed victory in the battle of arm strength. He wiggled his way out of her unusually strong grip, panting as he soothed his arm afterwards. In an attempt to reclaim what little pride he had left after losing two arm wrestling matches in a row, he turned his attention to Ysolda.

“You. I want to challenge you next. No funny business this time either.” He assumed that by offering first, his two adversaries would have no time to plan their little games around his shortcomings and make him look even more like a fool.

To his continued surprise, Ysolda accepted his challenge with a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders. She offered up her lithe hand same as her co host had, wrapping her azure-painted fingernails around his.

When Adamizer was younger and his powers were developing, he had a trick to ensure he’d win any test of strength. Speed and reflexes were the name of the game, not strength. If he could tap into the speedforce, even a little, he’d be able to overwhelm her manipulation tactics before she could utilize them.

Yet, as he locked eyes with his opponent to establish dominance, her piercing blue eyes tore through his resolve like a savage animal. A devastating cocktail of eroticism and fear struck his nerves all at once, sending not a shiver, but a hypothermic shock through his spine.

Nevertheless, he wasn’t going to wait around and allow Ysolda to gain the upper hand. Enacting his control over the speedforce, time slowed around his hand, allowing him to move it much faster than his opponent could perceive. 

Perception didn’t matter when Ysolda’s arm refused to budge an inch. Adamizer’s wrist, however, very much did budge a few inches, a few rather irregular inches for one’s wrist to budge.

Time returned to its normal speed, and a loud CRACK echoed throughout the studio. Adamizer had always theorized that the only way to break his bones was if he were to apply enough of his own force against them, but he never thought he’d live to see that happen. His face twisted with agony as he stifled a yelp that would better fit an ensnared animal. His wrist was bent in a way no wrist should have.

“Ha! I think he overdid it a bit there, Shawna!”

“Ya think? Looks to me like he’s trying to fight back every tear in his system!”

He didn’t know what was happening, this was all so dream-like to him. How were these human women beating him? And why was their response to doing so to double down on their fabricated worldview that they peddled for clicks.

How was Shawna able to easily overpower his strength? How was Ysolda’s arm the one obstacle he could not overcome? Had he entered into some bizarro world where fiction was fact and fact was fiction?

With a painful grunt, he forced his bent arm back into place, panting and wheezing as his healing factor slowly but steadily repaired his broken bones and torn muscle.

A normal, empathetic person would’ve let him be, maybe even offered him some water or painkillers or even a trip to the hospital. Shawna and Ysolda just continued laughing at his expense as if this were a fate he had brought upon himself and deserved to reap what he had sown. All the good he had done wasn’t important, just that he was an imposing cow that was nonetheless paradoxically easy to milk for content.

“I’d say, there you have it, folks! The world’s strongest hero is so weak he can’t even beat two regular, totally average girls in an arm-wrestling contest!” Shawna said with a definitive nod of her head.

“Yeah, is this really the hero you want rescuing your children from a burning building?”

“I’m… I’m not weak…” His defiant roar of a response sounded more like a meek meow, one that the girls were quick to move past almost instantly.

“In fact, we have EXCLUSIVE audio of our little Adamizer here admitting to just how PATHETIC and WEAK he actually is, right Shawna?”

“That’s absolutely correct, Ysolda. I’m going to play it for the audience right now!”

The hero was horrified as he heard his own voice played back to him. “Yes, that is true. Fighting gravity for prolonged periods is never easy, and I find my legs and arms growing quite exhausted as I travel to other countries and even states sometimes depending on the commute.” 

They had somehow secretly recorded him prior to the show starting. They were turning his own on-the-spot lies against him and he was powerless to do anything to stop them.

“Though if you ask me, I think it was just an excuse for him to sit down so he could hide his TINY little BONER underneath the table,” Shawna added, her giggling evolving into guffawing as she cackled at his misfortune.

Adamizer’s face erupted with red. This situation was just getting worse and worse with every passing second. They were spinning his lies and his truth as if they were both valid hypotheticals!

“Oh yeah, though I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed it anyways, it’s not like he’s packing anything beyond a puny pecker! Hahahahaha!” Ysolda also added, tag-teaming insults like they were in a wrestling match against the hero.

“M-my penis is not puny!” Adamizer shot back, finally mustering up the wherewithal to defend himself. Too little too late.

“Pssh, hahahaha! That’s exactly how every guy with a tiny penis sounds when he claims to have a normal sized one!”

“Oh yeah? Well, what do you bitches think about this?”

Atomizer—now very upset and not thinking straight—attempted to use the one card he had left in his arsenal. He stood up, boastfully thrusting his crotch into frame for the cameras to see the mountain that had been tenting his pants as soon as he had arrived. Sure, this would’ve definitely landed him in more hot water with the masses, but he didn’t care right now. These menaces to society were mocking the girth of his manhood, a claim he knew was exaggerated, and at that moment he knew he’d be able to secure a win over them. He was tired of being on the backfoot to their egregious lies. They may have been able to throw him off with hidden, unexplained strength, but they didn’t know his cock as well as he did.

Unfortunately for him, reality seemed to disagree.

The two women fought off snickers of disbelief as their eyes looked where he had directed. Only when his own eyes chose to follow the same route did he realize what the problem was.

If there was a tent in his pants then it must’ve collapsed in a storm. Up to this point, if he had an erection, a table was the only surefire way to hide it. He wasn’t prideful for much, but Adamizer knew that his cock was impressive. Or, at least it had been.

He didn’t want to believe what he was seeing, it just didn’t add up. He could still feel the blood coursing through his member, but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Aww, whatsamatta? Can’t find your tiny little pecker, big guy? Don’t worry, we’ll help you out!” As if the two women were a hive mind, they both reached over in sync and grabbed ahold of his pants, yanking them down to his knees.

What a terrible day to go commando.

Exposed to a livestream of over 5 million people was his erection, and it was far, far smaller than he recalled it ever being before. It was supposed to be nine inches long erect—now it was barely one third of that length.

“Wowwwww, looks like Adamizer really IS packing a micropenis!” Ysolda taunted, flicking his cork-sized cock with one of her slim fingers. The hero’s whole body spasmed once her perfect flesh connected with his, letting out a guttural moan as he did.

“Hahaha, you look like you’re ready for release already, big boy,” Shawna said, testing her theory by gripping his cock with two of her fingers and squeezing it. Were it not for her iron-clad grip, he would have most certainly fallen backwards on his ass. After all, he needed to be firmly in the camera’s view to milk all the best reaction shots for the growing audience.

Speaking of milking, as soon as Shawna released her grip on Adamizer, he immediately came, shooting two little pitiful spurts of spunk which traveled a short distance before landing on the table in front of him for the world to witness.

His cock desperately readied itself to soften, but his flesh was so overwhelmingly aroused that it refused, remaining stalwart in its erectness as it throbbed incessantly.

Then, as if his body couldn’t decide between keeping his erection and invoking his refractory period, it compromised between the two.

Adamizer’s dick shrunk.

Its three inch length was reduced to just one, a speck of cum lobbing out of his puny pecker and getting lost in the puddle on the table.

“Holy shit, it’s even smaller now! And it’s still erect?” Ysolda commented, seemingly just as dumbfounded as Adamizer was at the situation unfolding before all of them.

“I bet he was using some sort of dick-enlarging superpower before we flicked it out of him,” Shawna responded with a completely unfounded hypothesis, not relenting in the slightest towards her goal of making Adamizer look as bad as possible. “Hell, I bet I could…”

She trailed off as she brought her hand closer to his cock before merely flicking the puny pecker. His whole body lurched forward as it was once again blessed with the touch of Shawna’s perfect fingers, his hips bucking as a final bead of spunk shot out of his cock and he lost half of his final inch.

Laughter erupted from both sides as the women couldn’t contain their overwhelming enjoyment of the situation. Donations and purchases of their supplements were arriving in droves. This was looking to be the most watched episode of an internet show in all of human history. It might as well have been Christmas morning for the two co-hosts.

Adamizer, conversely, was devastated. He just stood there, frozen like one of his many statues erected in his honor. It felt like his lifetime of accolades had been undone in fifteen minutes.

The livestream dragged on, but only ultimately lasted thirty minutes before the two girls agreed to wind it down and end it. There were more jokes and baseless accusations thrown his way, but he didn’t dare combat them for fear of retribution beyond his comprehension.

Only once the livestream was over did Adamizer finally sit, falling back with such force that his body shattered the chair beneath him. That didn’t seem to phase him in the slightest, as he just fell to the floor like a discarded ragdoll, his thousand-yard stare dedicating itself to the blank ceiling of the set.

He waited for them to be furious with him for destroying their property. Maybe they’d make an addendum TikTok detailing his unfolding malaise after such overwhelming humiliation. They’d probably reveal that they were superpowered individuals themselves, capable of devastating reality manipulation that would put his flying brink powers to shame. Before he’d know it, they’d have him replaced as the leader of his own superhero team.

But now that the cameras were off, they both offered him a hand—a gesture he reluctantly accepted. He should’ve been surprised how easily they scooped him off the ground and back to a standing position, but them offering a gesture of kindness was somehow more surreal after everything he’d just been through.

“You gave ‘em one hell of a show! We really appreciate that,” Shawna replied, as if this were all a commercial and their scene was over.

“Yeah, hope your wife doesn’t mind the small dick, haha,” Ysolda said, slapping Adamizer on the back like this was just locker room talk to them now. “But go on and enjoy your life, seriously dude.”

“W-wait, you’re not going to trample over my career and become the next big superheroes?”

Shawna and Ysolda exchanged a glance, both raising a sculpted eyebrow.

“Replace you? Are you kidding me?” Shawna asked rhetorically. “Your presence was the best thing to happen to our little podcast in years!”

“Yeah, you’re way too valuable of an asset to let you lose all of your status.” Ysolda added. “We’ll make sure you retain your job and all that. After all, we gotta keep you nice and marketable for any follow-up interviews!”

Adamizer was already beginning to miss when the co-hosts were just the two-dimensional villains they played on air...