This is not a pleasant post

I can TW that everything is bad here, so please just don't read if it may trigger you in any case. I need some place where I can talk about my thoughts that are killing me.

So, after protests, I managed somehow to finish this month special picture and video. Next month? who knows. Will I still be able to draw for living, will it be possible for me to film videos for Youtube and everything else? WIll I be able to draw at all? I don't know. Anyway thank you so much for being with me and supporting my work.

I now look at photos of protests in other countries, where you can see tons of people and I feel envy. I want that they have, not to be afraid for your life to go on our streets and tell your opinion AGAINST FUCKING WAR and not being caught be police, beaten and raped in police stations. And this is our reality. If you weren't caught - you're super lucky. If you have a piece of paper with simply "no war" written on it  (now it can be just A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER) - you are 100% caught. If you're not in the middle of the crowd - you're most likely caught. I saw how in my city police caught a woman with a baby on her hands and arrested her!! with a baby!! I only can say thank police that you didn't beat her up (but who know what they did in the police station. You may think why so little people protest in Russia? Exactly this. Except people who was brainwashed by propaganda and believe that this is a savior mission, other people are scared. Simply scared for their lives.  I look at the photos of protests in Estonia, Georgia and I FEEL FUCKING ENVY. 

We had so many protests during last 8 years with thousands, millions people come and no protest was heard. We were just ignored, We are treated like ants in Putin's Palace. He can just step on us, or make a loud noise to make us hide and shut up. Or just ignore and wait until we come back to our homes again. We saw protests in Belarus after another false election with millions people on streets being just shoot, caught, tortured, raped and killed. For wanting a normal life. But what? Their president is still on his place and he even helps our tyrant to kill people. We don't see the light, we  feel completely helpless. And still trying to do something. And seeing all posts like "then tell your president/army/whoever to stop" is just ridiculous to see. For sure I envy all countries where you actually CAN do it. Your protests will be heard, your opinion is important, you're seen. Not here. We are ants, not humans. 

Can you imagine, me, a Russian citizen, being genuinely happy hearing news about succeses of Ukrainian army? Wanting them to win? The one light of the hope I felt when I saw Anonymous's video. I felt that so much that I cried. A lot. Well, I'm crying right now writing this post also, because all these thoughts, all this anxiety, all these feelings - I don't know what to do with it and things like I just wrote may lead me straight to the jail if I write is somewhere else, where it will be open. I envy Ukrainians, because their people are so kind to gather corpses of our soldiers and try to reach out their relatives so they can take them out. Our country, on other side, ignores all dead soldiers, because we are ants and meat, not humans for them. Please spread the word that Russian people don't want that, we want life and freedom for both our countries.

I want to live in the country where I can choose the government. Where I can see the progress in culture, science, international relations. But all I can see last 8 years is degradation. I was proud of my country, we were in big eight! Can you imagine? Now we are isolated third, no, even fourth world country with no allies. Oh, well, China and North Korea? Amazing. We are gonna to become a new North Korea if Putin won't get punished. A homophobic, misogynist country I probably won't be able to leave ever, because we are outcasts for the other world, and live freely without this constant anxiety. This second I want to be an Ukrainian who is fighting for their country, not a prisoner in their of country where freedom doesn't exist and being against FUCKING WAR ЕБТВОЮМАТЬ!!!! is a crime!!! I really think that if Putin and current government will still keep their position, I will choose the worst way. 

Here's the most TW about s*icide. 

Please don't read next if you can be triggered, but let me get out this thought out of my head. 

Last summer I saw a woman jumping from my house two floors down apartment I live in. I saw it with my own eyes. I was seconds. And it was finished. And I keep thinking about this being the actual way. Because I don't want to live in this regime anymore, I can't see anything good that could happen to me at all, I can't breath here. But I'm still keeping up, praying for Ukraine to win and Putin being punished ENOUGH to stop his regime here.

Yes, I understand that people in Ukraine suffer more because they get killed and I have no rights to suffer (as well as other rights in my country). But honestly, I'd prefer to be killed.

Please, forgive me about this post, I really needed a place to talk about all of this. Maybe I will delete this post later, I needed to talk. I'm really sorry, I understand that you supported an artist who posts pictures, not this. But I'm a human too, unfortunately (but not for my own country)

Please share the word if that's possible.