RAMBLE ON: "Hit Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)" by B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J & Busta Rhymes

There is basically no profit in defending “Space Jam”; trust me, I am fully aware of what a nostalgia-goggled idiot that makes me look like. For what it’s worth, I have no love for “Hook” and “Hocus Pocus,” a couple other beloved ‘90s-kid staples that I think are both pretty lousy. But fuck it, I’ll defend it anyway; I think people underrate just how much “Space Jam” (unlike its new sequel) is a perfectly functional kids’ sports movie with clear stakes, coherently animated basketball sequences, scenes that logically progress from one to the other, etc. Since my Twitter is suspended right now, I haven’t been able to respond to the many infuriating hipster counter-takes that have sprung up, such as the new version being no more cringe than the first one (I promise you that yes it is in fact much worse) or that “Looney Tunes: Back in Action” is the better movie (“Back in Action” is 100 times the soulless corporate garbage that “Space Jam” is accused of being).

But the nostalgia goggles stay on for “Space Jam” not because it works as a fine, watchable sports movie: It’s because I was a little kid and I thought this shit was so cool. Michael Jordan was cool, the Looney Tunes were cool, the Looney Tunes playing basketball with Michael Jordan was ultra-mega-cool. People who accuse of “Space Jam” of just being a commercial – my response is yeah, sure, that’s why it was so successful. I like plenty of commercials. Marketers know better than anyone what kids want to see, and “Space Jam” perfectly hit that sugar-rush part of me and my entire generation’s kid brains. That’s really not an easy thing to do (again, see the lousy attempt to re-capture the magic in “Back in Action” and “Space Jam 2”).

“Space Jam”’s soundtrack has matched its parent film in its stubborn persistence in pop culture. It was a genuine mainstream hit, largely thanks to the presence of the mega-smash “I Believe I Can Fly,” which was inescapable no matter how disconnected you were from pop culture. My parents knew it, I knew it, even though none of us listened to current music. R. Kelly’s cancellation should have ended that soundtrack’s afterlife, but it hasn’t; the movie’s title theme by Quad City DJs has found a second life as a mashup track for all sorts of remixes and memes. I’m surprised people remember it that well, but I was there in 1996, and even as disconnected from music I was, I heard that track everywhere. I didn’t have a copy of the album, and I wouldn’t have the movie on VHS until next year; “Space Jam” by Quad City DJs was just that present in the normal outside world. The entire soundtrack was, actually. Monica’s “For You I Will,” first debuted on this album. The lead single, Seal’s cover of “Fly Like an Eagle,” was a solid smash.

But no one ever talks about the fourth single, which I remember being the equal of the title track, in terms of popularity. I have no idea how it’s been forgotten; it’s one of the most astonishing and ridiculous things that’s ever existed. I remember it from my childhood, but there were so many layers that I wouldn’t get until I re-discovered it as an adult. I didn’t know any of these names. Now I look at it and I’m just blown away. Cypress Hill’s B-Real. Coolio. Method Man. LL Cool J. Busta Rhymes. “Hit ‘Em High.” The Monstars’ Anthem.

This truly was a Dream Team. It is no exaggeration to say that in 1996 these were probably the five most popular rappers alive that weren’t affiliated with the increasingly turbulent Bad Boy or Death Row. Maybe by the end of the year Lauryn Hill or Wyclef Jean could have elbowed their way into the lineup. Possibly Nas could have started over B-Real, but Nas didn’t really have any big crossover hits. No, it had to be these five guys specifically, and the fact that they were all on the same track must have taken some truly dedicated deal-making. DJ Khaled could never. And it’s not only the roster, but also: That chorus. “I hit em high hit em high hit em high, you hit em low hit em low hit em low.” In an era of great rowdy jock jam hip-hop, this is still my favorite hook. The song had everything. A Trackmasters beat. A Hype Williams video. If this had been made for any other reason, this could have gone down in history as one of the greatest posse cuts of all time.

But it was made for the reason it was made, which is to provide a theme song for the villains of a kids’ cartoon where Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck play basketball against aliens. That fact brings me more joy than any legitimate collaboration ever could have. There are five villainous monstrous aliens playing basketball, so we need five all-star rappers to represent a full line-up. (I wonder which one of them got stuck as the Shawn Bradley Monstar.) And what’s more, every single one of them refuses to just write a normal verse and instead throws themselves full into the premise of the song, that they are a bunch of basketball-playing aliens. How could this song possibly exist?

One other great thing about this song is how it escalates. B-Real and Coolio start us off with brief verses (B-Real’s true contribution is the pre-chorus, and Coolio’s most important moment is that he’s the only one who truly leans into the “alien” portion of the premise by giving the intro: “Greetings, earthling.”)

But from there, the verses only get sillier. Coolio makes a glancing pun at Daffy (“your whole squad better duck”) but Method Man is the first one who really leans into being unstoppable at b-ball, and he’s the first one to make an explicit reference to the movie – a passing reference to “Swackhammer,” the evil alien boss voiced by Danny DeVito. It’s all a setup for LL Cool J, who in 1996 was not yet seen as corny but shows why he soon would be with some of the best worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. Almost every bar contains a Looney Tunes reference – “What up, doc?” “My whole crew is animated,” and what may be my favorite terrible line of all time, “When clicks get to buggin', I'm snatchin' up their bunnies.” He also makes a fairly nonsensical reference to Jordan – “You in it for the money, or in it for the love, M.J.? 23 ways to make a pay,” and an extremely confusing reference to current events – “If the refs get political, dribble like Bob Dole.”

But like the announcer bring on Jordan last for the introductory lineup, the song belongs to its final MC, the one and the only Busta Rhymes. Busta was always a cartoon himself, and he can’t contain himself, getting on the mic before the chorus is even over and continuing to vamp after his verse is complete. “While you abandoning ship, we take your championship, with nothin' left for you to see except the instant replay clip.” Just as a rap jam about dominance on the court, it destroys, but the fact that it also includes line that are gibberish out of context – “we steal your talent from you” – puts it over the otp.

“Hit ‘Em High” didn’t invent the kids’ movie rap smash, that was Hammer with “Addams Family Groove” and then Vanilla with “Ninja Rap.” But those guys were kicked out of the industry by hip-hop’s turn to rappers with street cred. Arguably it was Coolio himself who brought gangsta-rap into the blockbuster soundtrack with “Gangsta’s Paradise,” a song that could never have existed without the inner-city teacher movie that inspired it, but also long outlasted it. “Hit Em High” feels like an important progression in gangsta rap’s growing dominance of youth culture, where a guy like B-Real could go from “Hits from the Bong” to a kids’ movie theme with no controversy and no loss of cred. The year after this comes “Men in Black,” and then a year later “Ghetto Supastar,” both of which rap the plot of the movie and become massive smash hits. I love those songs too. “Hit Em High” belongs to the same lineage, songs that were silly then and are silly now, but much like the film it comes from, its existence is so ridiculous that it’s easy to miss the many ways it works.

And you know what else rules? Wiz Khalifa’s song from the “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie from last year. Has no right to be any good at all but it is. Sometimes the coolest things come from the dumbest sources.