A Magical Game Redux: 1

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Warning: This chapter is me pulling a DWS and restarting an old, edgy gamer fic. My first edgy gamer fic in fact, so please be kind. You don’t need to read that one, considering it’s several years old and over 200k words (https://forum.questionablequesting.com/threads/a-magical-game-multiverse-gamer-oc.12951/reader/ )

… So yeah, also remember that’s almost five years old and the first serious fic I ever made. Enjoy!

Oh, also it’s really fucking horny.

Alright, let’s do this one last time.

My name is… well, now it’s Van Card. But it wasn’t always that, though dying and being popped out of someone’s pussy was more than enough to wipe any memory of anything unimportant like my identity.

And right now, I’ve got the luxury of running for my fucking life as my father finally makes good on all his constant bitching and kills me.

The eternally dark forest that surrounds the towering stone manor I called my prison for the last sixteen years is as welcoming and comforting as always. Meaning tree branches have constantly swung at me with enough force to flay the skin off a human’s flesh for several minutes straight now.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

The sounds of feral barking and panting echoing through the forest were a great birthday present, sperm-bringer. Thank you so much for making this day a living hell, as you do every day of my fucking existence!

I continued running as the (probably magical) wolves chased after my scent and brought me back to the bastard in his stony tower. My sickly pale skin reddened and bruised by the constant abuse, my feet aching as I stepped over magically sharpened stones and tree roots the entire time as I run through the forest.

If you couldn’t guess by now, my father is a mage. Sorry, ‘wizard’. The entirety of his property- from the castle, to the dogs, to me- are all enchanted to do as he wills.

But Van! - I explain to the imaginary audience to distract myself from my seething impotent rage- If you were actually forced to do exactly what he wants, how could you even hate him much less run away?

Excellent question, oh coping mechanism of mine. The answer is twofold-

One, no matter how much they may claim otherwise, all vampires are deathly weak to direct sunlight. The whole… ‘night barrier’ shit is a spell, but even a vamp’s magic is weakened when shielding one from the sun’s rays. So the spell largely ‘dispurses’ the sunlight across the territory, making it weak enough not to kill a vampire but still strong enough to weaken his spells.

Also we still needed the sun to not freeze to death, which I know for a fact that arrogant piece of shit never thought of. Which leads into option number two- this motherfucker is so fucking stupid for being an immortal vampire with a theoretical infinite amount of time to learn not to be a dumbass.

‘Oh, almost every vampire in the goddamn franchise decides to just stay in a dark enclosed space during the day? Why don’t they just make a magical shield that almost anyone can do? Are they just stupid?’

‘Oh, my magic only lessened the effect of the sun, essentially giving myself turbo magic cancer and weakening every spell I make inside of this barrier? Welp, time to kidnap some random witch from a nearby village and fuck a child that’s immune to the sun!’

‘Oh! The witch I yoinked from that village on the first night of scouting had friends that knew magic? And they’ve now tracked me down and cursed the area directly outside the barrier with a Lumos Solum, so that I couldn’t… y’know, move out of the magical barrier that’s giving me vampire cancer like I refused to do for the past few centuries? Guess I need to train attack animals to keep them from getting me, instead of just giving the bitch back.’

Not to mention the fact that his entire plan revolves around stealing the body of his child, the dhampir that physically didn’t exist until I was born, and just… staying here. Forever.

Yeah, I’m not letting someone that fucking stupid kill me. I’d fucking kill myself before I let that happen.

And as if the very gods themselves were listening to my internal bitching, I tripped on whatever was in my way and was sent tumbling forward onto the ground. Thankfully the dense forest was much worse for the dogs to navigate than for me, so I only lost a bit of my calves to the fucking mutts at my feet.

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit!” I cursed under my breath as the adrenaline hit and I began running much faster as the thought of literally dying a dog’s death after the world’s shittiest reincarnation pipeline spurred me on.

I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t dying again, in a fantasy world, having done nothing with this new life. No achievements, no friends- I was still a fucking virgin for Christ’s sake!

It wasn’t ending like this, I wouldn’t let it, I refuse-!

And then I was out of the forest, sprinting through a pair of trees, before I saw it.

The sun. The giant ball of fire and death all my kind are supposed to fear, the burning star I was only seeing for the first time in this world. In this life.

I looked directly at it like the dumbest motherfucker imaginable, and I could feel my pale skin catching ablaze- quite literally.

No. Don’t you dare.

My flesh crawled with fire, trailing up my limbs and sending searing agony throughout my body. I fell onto my knees as what tattered rags I wore burned as easily as the rest of me.

I cannot fucking believe this. I wasn’t actually immune to sunlight this entire time?

I screamed. I yelled and cried and raged with every fiber of my being in my last moments, my life ripped away from me once again as the fire around me grew hotter and larger around me.

… Around me?

Somehow gathering the strength to keep from flailing and twitching in pure agony, I looked down at my body only to find the fire was bursting out of me like I was the source instead of it’s tinder.

Any further investigation was lost in the roar of flames, as the pain grew too much and I fell completely unconscious. Least I wouldn’t have to feel myself be burned alive a second time…

You have cleared the Prologue.

Van Card Status Unlocked

Race Status Unlocked

Wizard Status Unlocked

Wizard Skill Awakened: Accidental Magic

Oh God, do I have fucking pop-ups?

Honestly, should’ve just let me die in that fire… which didn’t actually happen. Huh.

Opening my eyes, I found myself surprisingly alive, which is always nice to see. Very naked, which is fine. Magical vampire genes ensured I had nothing to be ashamed of down below.

I was in a crater though, and my formally pale skin is now tanned… which is still fine.

Oh and it looks like my house exploded, which is really the cherry on top.

What looked to be a massive, burning scar tore it’s way through the forest from where I stood, eviscerating every tree and dog in it’s way until it eventually met the now partially melted castle in the middle. I could feel the completely haphazard spell I didn’t know I could actually cast, considering there was so much loose mana it was like the place was fucking drowning in it.

Putting a hand to my temple, I decided to address the elephant in the room- the magical text boxes that won’t stop pinging my brain.

Van Card Status

Strength: D

Vitality: D

Endurance: D

Dexterity: D

Intelligence: D

Wisdom: D

Charisma: D

Dhampir (HP) Status

Strength: EX

Vitality: EX

Endurance: EX

Charisma: EX

Wizard Status

Intelligence: D

Wisdom: D

Skills:

Accidental Magic: B

- Casted ??? through pure need.

… My headache hasn’t gone away even slightly. Hopefully there’s a tutorial for all of this.

Tutorial Unlocked: -

Oh God fucking damn it.

I could focus on how my Gamer powers worked, on how I was finally given my special gift for being reincarnated into a fantasy world- probably Harry Potter based on the Accidental Magic skill.

But I’d much rather take the time to watch the bastard who's basically grown me like livestock to be slaughtered finally die.

“Augh… you…” The man who never bothered to name me uttered, his body crumbling to dust from the sunlight pouring down from the broken barrier and the now melted slag he once called a living room. Not sure how intentional that was, but I was still chalking it up to my spell having perfect aim. “... Take me into the shade, bastard.”

“Says the man whose never been married, and had to kidnap and rape a witch to make me.” My words were drier than the dust he was being rendered into, and I idly cursed the fact the vampire was too fucking short and fat for his clothes to fit me, so I’d have to rob someone else for anythin to wear.

“You… dare… backtalk me?!” Somehow the energy to be offended by my mere existence hadn’t been completely eradicated upon his imminent demise. Which was just… perfect. “I am the one who created you, an abomination-”

“To eventually steal my body and send me to the Sunken Place? Gee, thanks dad, but I’d much rather watch the life leave your eyes instead.” Shrugging, I sat down on the still hot stone floor across from the dying vampire, and idly wished there was something to snack on- not because I was really hungry, but because I wanted to insult this guy as much as possible in his final moments.

… Though I would kill for a cheeseburger right now.

“You… you…!” His words cut off as a part of his torso now began evaporating, and I could only laugh.

“Just fucking killed you and you still lack the decency to say my goddamn name? Well, honestly, I never bothered to learn yours so I guess it’s all even.” Now that he couldn’t actually respond, he was basically just a mass of dying meat- so not worth antagonising.

So I tuned him out and went over my plans to… well, do whatever I wanted for the most part.

My powers work by accomplishing feats and raising my stats and skills accordingly. It was based almost entirely on individual classes, which can be based on several qualifiers since one of them is just my fucking name.

Each individual class acts like a river of power that eventually flows back to the ocean that is me- like a personalized record of feats, because Van Card the Wizard is still Van Card at the end of the day.

I stood up and began tapping my foot on the ground as I tried to go over anything I may have missed-

Dhampir Skills:

Dark Aura: -

As the unnatural spawn of a Dark Creature, those who are touched by the darkness of magic find comfort in your presence, while those who aren’t feel an instinctive fear.

Blood Drinker: -

As a descendent of vampires, you can subsist solely off the blood of living creatures, possibly even empowering yourself off those with strong blood.

Progenitor: EX

An exclusive skill given to the firstborn of its kind, marking it as the Elder through which the rest of its descendents will follow behind. This grants the owner an enhancement to all stat-growth and skill gain that is associated with its race, along with gaining strength through the power of its descendents.

Van Card Skills:

Unstoppable Presence: -

As ???, you have the ability to project your emotions outward to influence the minds and emotions of those around you, though it is less effective the more mentally resilient they are.

Wizard Skills:

Magical Energy: C

As half wizard, half Magical Creature, you possess an inherent boost to your magical capabilities marking you as beyond the average wizard without even the slightest bit of training.

God am I glad there’s an almost instinctive separation between the various classes- oh, something grabbed onto my leg.

I looked down at the dying thing, clinging to my bare ankle with a burning hatred in his eyes. But I took it all for what it was- a desperate attempt to make me give him the attention he so wanted.

After all, he was a multitude of things, but if he was an actual warrior he wouldn’t have been trapped inside a fucking castle by a bunch of witches that rely on sticks to cast their magic.

So, I looked away for a moment, and kicked him with my ‘trapped’ leg. And considering that, despite everything, I was a healthy magical creature and he was fucking dying… well, the result was his skull acting like a kicked sandcastle.

“Oh God, his fucking sand is everywhere!” I complained as I realized the consequences of my actions, cursing to myself as I turned back to the still melting castle… and resolved to loot everything I could before fucking off as far as I could.

… Wait, do I have an inventory?

No. No I do not have an inventory. Thankfully Bags of Holding are a staple in every suitably magical society, even one’s as backwards as Harry Potter.

Soon enough, after swiping some regular (or Muggle, to use this world’s lingo), I was off into the wind with a sack slung over my back to travel… Europe?

Idk, it’s not like that dead guy talked to me enough for me to actually learn a language, so it seems like those English classes were actually worth a damn in the end.

Still, while my birthday wasn’t too bad, next time I just want to keep it simple. I just want a big-tittied Latina, a cheeseburger, a mango lassi, a shot of tequila, and a fat-assed Latina.

Really, is that too much to ask.

Still, considering I’m probably just out of the proper age for learning magic, I’m going to have to go at this shit raw and use what books I found in the old place.

Which was actually a lot, because if I had to give the old bastard any praise at all, it would be his ability to collect magical knowledge.

Right now I was reading a book on using Demonic Rituals to empower someone based on their Cardinal Sins, which considering how his entire plan was to push off his problems for a later version of himself… yeah, it explained a lot.

But, well, my powers were clear that in this basic Dark versus Light story I gave off pure bad guy energy… so I was gonna need an advantage in the defense department. And well, a lot of these rituals looked pretty useful, though I believe the Wrath ritual was very much catching my eye.

Enhances physical strength the more angry you are? Sign me the fuck up, the second someone makes the mistake of calling me a goddamn dog again I want to power to turn them into a puddle on the ground.

… Though it was going to take a lot of chicken blood. And I was kind of hungry.

Ah, who gives a shit, let’s just set up camp before some dragon flies in out of nowhere and tries to eat me.

When I woke up the following morning, there was a goddamn owl with a letter in it’s beak for me, and after using my Unstoppable Presence to keep from trying to run away from me every time I got too close I saw something completely unexpected.

To: Mr. Van Card

A Tent in the Wilds of Romania

“There ain’t no fucking way.” I spoke, looking at the Hogwarts seal binding the letter closed. I took the knife I’d slept with, for obvious reasons, and pried the thing open before devouring the contents of the letter.

I held the piece of paper a bit away from me for a moment, and for the first time I could feel my Unstoppable Presence bubbling up around me as I threw my head back and laughed!

Hogwarts! First-year in Hogwarts, where the first years are all seventeen years old!

I knew that this place wasn’t an exact copy of that childhood fantasy series, my very existence was proof otherwise, but to think it had changed this much.

But still! I could go to Hogwarts, learn magic, gain strength, and then… and then…

… Well, I’ll live. I’ll live my life, doing as I damn well pleased, without a single regret. I’ll eat what I want, love what I want, and kill what I want.

Despite myself, I felt something click inside of me. “Live life without a single regret… yeah, that sounds about right.”

… “Wait, how the fuck do I get to Diagon Alley from here?”

Bonus Scene: The More Things Change.

{POV: OG Van Card}

“Aayyyeee!” A familiar voice hissed out, and I turned from the comfortable throne I was sitting on to see a massive snake that even had the World Serpent gagging (according to him, at least), and a tail lunged at me with enough force to cleave a star in half.

“Aaayyyeee!” I barely moved aside from reaching a tanned hand out for him and dapping him the fuck up. “Bacel, it’s been a minute! How’s it going, man?”

“Ah, y’know how it is Van. Travelling the omniverse, fucking every snussy in existence, downing godkilling poisons like shots. You?” The Serpent Sage God smiled cockily, his eyes that could extinguish entire pantheons looking fondly at me as I chuckled at his shenanigans.

“Ah, same old same old, though… y’know that time I asked for a metaphysical copy of your existence?”

“... Please tell me you didn’t make a version of me to fuck.” I laughed.

“First, it’s cute you think I need to make a version of you to fuck.” Despite my words, the idea of fucking the Bacel in front of me never came to mind- he was my bro, my brother from another mother, and there’s gotta be at least one person who is strictly for hanging with. “Secondly, nah man, I made an alternate omniverse with a me to ‘run the gauntlet’.”

“Really? Why, too old to go adventuring like in the old days?” 

“Bitch I’m immortal, old doesn’t apply.” I snapped back without any heat. “Nah, it’s just… after you get so strong, the whole ‘adventure’ thing doesn’t really apply anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still love fucking everything that moves, but… there’s no danger to it. What’s the point in pounding Grayfia in front of Sirzechs if there’s no chance of him hollowing out my skull in response? May as well just keep fucking her in private!”

“And besides, I haven’t had a good challenge anywhere in centuries. None of these guys can box, and I’ve already tussled with Goku so many times I’ve practically got his moveset ingrained into my memory. Not to mention an intellectual challenge- I can’t find a way to lobotomize myself enough for these people to give a challenge or not be predictable.”

“... Alright, give me the real reason.”

“... People keep calling me the Diddy Gamer, so I want a version of myself who has to deal with an aged up Harriet and shit to get the allegations off me.”

“HA!”

“Oh fuck off, let me watch a lore accurate interdimensional variant of my life in peace.”

“Wait, you making him go through everything the exact same way?”

“Oh nah, I randomized a bunch of shit, remade the Game into something less shitty. Hell, the only thing is that he’ll be going through the same first three worlds that I did, though I’ve absolutely changed a bunch of shit.”

“... Like changing your First Wife’s name?”

“Listen, after she learned about her default self, she’s been complaining about it for three centuries- right babe?” I asked, and the literal goddess that’s been giving me head the entire time popped my length out of her mouth to looking up at me.

“Yeah, much as I hate the old bat, at least she carried the Evans’ tradition of being named after a flower. And look what I got- oh, let’s name her Harry if he’s a guy and Harriet if she’s a girl? Fucking hell, my dad’s a total idiot.”

Considering I stole the guy’s wife and daughter to be both my wives, I joined in on bashing the guy without any shame or hesitation. “I know right, guy’s the fucking worst.”

“Randomized, huh?” The giant serpent spoke up, and I could almost hear the implied whip-crack in his voice.

“Yeah yeah, you wanna watch with us or not?”

“... does my alternate get mad snake pussy?”

“Watch and find out, fuckface.”

“Aight man, damn.” So the massive snake slithered in close

“You aren’t funny.” Harriet reminded me oh so helpfully, so I instead lowered her lips back down under and put her back to work, ignoring the telepathy she had to relax and enjoy quality time with my family.

… Well, my wife and the one member of my family I haven’t fucked.

A/N: Well, it is good to be back writing about Van Card, and Harry Potter in general.

Sorry for the slowish start, getting back into the Van Card groove.

I’m trying to start out this year with some more writing, for obvious reasons. Let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading, Peace.