Reign: Not A Furry (Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss)

Thank you to my Patrons: SaffireSpirit13, TheButtGod, Zerak, Jacob Raymond, 9milli9, Bishop7053, Stealthkug, Sgt. Rock, Helios, Grim343, Vincent Mason, Zaccaria Babchia, aj0413, Tim Möller, Blahmeh, Fade, Definitely not Dio, Samot, Dave, Sanjay, Jmatt890, roger nascimento rocha, Johnathan Rogers, K, Jeremy Hernandez, fausto escobar, Jerome, Reen, K, Jonathan Rogers, Kirov Briggs, Michael Thunder, and gabriel hutcheron.

And a special thank you to Joe, you absolute madman.

Warning: Furry shit ahead.

Rubbing my scaled palms together, I felt the burning frictions run over my reptilian flesh like hot water. The sounds of human and demon alike cursing into the air, gunshots popping and booming from seemingly every direction, and cries of pain all bounced around in my skull.

I let my hands come apart, and let a now ignited palm lay onto a stray bullet wound on my leg, burning the bleeding hole closed.

A sharp, fanged smile refused to leave my face as I finally found myself in a warzone all my own. Then I zoned in on the world around me, and noticed a distinct lack of cursing.

Fuck, Blitzo is down! How am I supposed to date his daughter if she’s too busy pretending not to grieve?!

I let the erratic, burning energy coat me, from the top of my scaled head, to the tip of my tail. Then I realized I was in a fucking forest, and unlike the rest of the imps I actually had natural camouflage, so I let the flames die out and focused on finding the place they were going to start burning Blitzo and Millie at the stake.

Oh, and keep Moxxie from getting even more traumatized.

… Fuck, the things I do to conquer the universe.

The original house, where Mox apparently fucked up the shot, was… definitely decorated like it belonged to a bunch of cannibals. Seriously, who the fuck just has untreated animal skulls lying around?

Anyway, being the sneaky lizard I was, it didn’t take long for the sound of small bodies crashing into furniture to alert me of where exactly my favorite imp was.

… In my defense, Millie is barely a character, and I actually spend time with Blitzo.

Still, I rushed past the awful looking first floor and raced up the stairs as quietly as I could, ignoring the charred footsteps I left behind as my nervous energy burned to life on my scales.

I rushed up as far as I could before opening the door and-

“How is it worse up here?!” I exclaimed, finding two children standing beside a tied up imp and surrounded by old dismembered corpses and body parts. The two children fucking growled at me, snarling and lifting up a fucking serrated knife.

“Rian! Watch out they’re-”

I grabbed the two literal children by their skulls and banged them together like two coconuts on a Monty Python set. 

“One, two, three, four-” I counted idly, and on the fifth slam the two children collapsed bonelessly onto the ground, groaning pitifully. Nodding to myself, I rushed over to the tied-up imp who was probably responsible for this entire mess.

“Mox, you good?” I asked, letting the fire coat my claws and dragging it up the imp’s front, cutting through the thick rope like it wasn’t there. I must’ve accidentally poked my coworker in the process, considering the way he shuddered as my claw trailed up his stomach and ended at his throat.

“Y-yuh- yeah! Where’s Millie?!” A light came out from the corner of my vision and I turned to see a bonfire in the cannibal’s front yard. I opened my mouth- “Yeah, I saw. Let’s move!”

The much smaller imp immediately jumped through the tiny window and leaped to the ground to find his wife and our boss. Instead of leaving to join him immediately, my tail lashed out behind me and wrapped around the throats of the most annoying children this side of Hell.

I grimaced, guilt filling me now that the fight was practically over, seeing them as the poor kids influenced by the motherfuckers that raised them in complete isolation from the world at large. Their eyes gazed at me with unending hatred and desire to devour my flesh.

They snarled like rabid beasts, frothing at the mouth as they tried to bite into my goddamn tail. Thankfully, considering I can set myself on fire, the near-burning around their throats told them exactly what they’d win by pulling that shit.

I breathed in deeply, knowing that these pricks would end up far better off due to this- though murdered for a gag is a pretty fucking low bar. Still, I channeled as much stupid and soft-hearted energy onto my face as possible, which wasn’t too hard for obvious reasons.

“Alright kiddos,” I said, practically screaming about how exploitable I am with my expression. “If I let you go, promise me you’ll do what I say. Okay?”

They both looked at me, hid their sharpened teeth and nodded ‘gratefully’. So I dropped them, and they immediately rushed me, mocking how ‘fucking stupid’ I am.

“Sit down.” They skid to a stop before sitting onto the ground right in front of me, eyes widened as they looked fearfully at me. “Accept every deal I offer you without question. I’ll clap my hands if you give me absolute ownership over you, deal?” I held out my hands in front of me, and two squeaky voices said their agreements.

“Deal.” My hands crashed together, and their fate was now mine to wield.

Burning the blood off of my hands, I found the three imps who brought me here, the only one near my height turning to me with a devil-may-care grin. “Ha, Ryan! Thank fuck you aren’t dead, I think the teacher bitch doesn’t like the rest of us. What took you so long?”

“Needed to take a leak.” I answered, clenching my fists and pulling my fire back into my core for later use. “Job done?”

“You bet your fucking dick it is!” God I hate living in a VivziePop show. And talking to Blitzo.

The only consultation, for both, is Loona. Now, I’m not a furry, I just know what I like. And I think everyone can agree that hellhounds with daddy issues are free game.

“Yeah yeah, I’m heading in-”

“After me.” His lamplight yellow eyes narrowed threateningly as he looked at me. “Don’t think I don’t know what you barely legal demons get up to with people’s daughters. And sons. And sisters-”

“I get it. Move on already.” I rolled my eyes, tilting a scaled chin towards the waiting portal to hell, and Blitzo finally left. Constantly making ‘I’m watching you’ hand motions the entire time, until he eventually tripped and fell backwards into the portal.

I exhaled sharply, cinders and smoke leaving my mouth before turning to the other people in the clearing. “I’m gonna go on ahead. Glad you two are okay.”

“No problem, Rian.”  Millie said happily, and both our tails reached up and grasped each other tightly in a tail-five, before I turned to leave.

“Ah, thanks again Rian!” Mox added quickly, and I turned back to wave at him and say it was no problem, before stepping into the portal… and into an argument.

“Blitzo, I told you-!” Loona was yelling, before cutting herself off at the sight of me, looking me up and down rapidly before stepping back and grabbing onto her arm.

I looked down in response, to find the multiple bloodstains and bullet holes in my clothes and on my scaled flesh. My claws ran through the burning plumage atop my head that acted as hair… that disappeared when it got too wet.

“Oh, yeah, rough mission. God, I need new clothes.” I said to myself, picking at a hole in my shirt that exposed my side and stomach, only for Blitzo to screech and rush to cover Loona’s eyes.

“Ah, cover yourself up you whore, my baby is watching!”

“D-Blitzo! I’m not a fucking baby, I’m fucking twenty!”

“Nonsense,” He scoffed dismssively. “You’ll always be my baby girl, Loony!”

“Ugh! I need a drink.” Loona stomped away after grunting like an edgy teenager, only to pause and look at me out of the corner of her eye at the door. “Uh, good mission, Rian.” She was out of the door before I could say thank you.

Hah. She digs me.

“What the fuck are you laughing at, cocksucker?!” The short man screamed up at me, considering I was slightly taller than his daughter. He pointed a finger at my face as he pushed into my personal space. “If you so much as look at my baby wrong, I swear I will shoot you and fuck the hole!”

… I flicked Blitzo in the forehead and watched as he was almost knocked over like a bobblehead. “Personal space, boss. Now, you want me to call Mrs. Mayberry, or am I good to leave?”

“Ah, whatever, get to work already.” He groaned, rubbing at his forehead and stomping off just like his daughter. I found myself rubbing my forehead too, before pausing as I realized something spectacular.

If Mox and Mil still aren’t here, Loona left to go to a bar, and Blitzo has fucked the hell off…

That means no one’s watching the Book.

A smile split my face as I made my move.

My ‘plan’ for taking over the universe started with taking over this fictional world I got dragged into. The plan for that, started with taking over Hell and Earth before dealing with the angelic final boss up yonder.

And considering Earth is populated exclusively by the horny mouthbreathers whose job is to be more stupid than my coworkers- which, as much as I love these guys, is a fucking feat- the issue is getting up there undetected.

And I’d rather not get on a Succubus’ bad side, or deal with working for Asmodeus- he’s a chill guy, but while I’m not a furry Loona is worth it.

… Also I only know shit about Helluva Boss considering I ended up in furry hell before Hazbin Hotel could finally come out. So I don’t know anything about the important shit- like what the fuck Lucifer is doing with the Angels, whose behind the yearly murder night, can a Sinner be redeemed, will the writing get better?

What I’m saying is, I lack information and the ability to hit above my weight class- I have no idea what the fuck this power-system is and how it operates- so I’m going to have to figure this shit out as I go.

And, well, I’m like 50% sure Sinner Demons get buffed by taking in the souls of Mortals, so I should probably start my conquest with Earth.

So, like clockwork, I remove the giant panting of the rest of IMP on the back wall and type in the password (1234), and yoink Stolas’ Grimoire for my own personal… photography.

Thanking all that is unholy that this magic book has page numbers, I flipped to one of the last fifty or so pages and began taking as many pictures with my phone as I could.

As a Sinner Demon, my powers are naturally far more complex than anything a regular Hellborn (why isn’t the term Hellspawn? It was right there!) would have. Other than my ability to set myself and others on fire, I have an absurd degree of power over things that are ‘mine’.

My powers work exactly the way I want them to because they’re mine. My phone doesn’t run out of battery or storage because I don’t want it to. And I can use magic that usually requires a written medium for non-Goetians with an image on my phone instead, because the photo belongs to me.

And while I had enough pages to make a portal for my two… minions(?) to crawl through and begin taking over the world at large, I had almost no idea if there would be any more useful pages to steal until I had them all.

There’s probably be a buff for having the whole book under my command, so there’s that too. And, while I was working to undermine society as a whole, I was still doing my job.

“Yo, Mayberry, it’s Rian. The wicked bitch’s corpse is cooling as we speak.” I muttered, using Blitzo’s phone while he did whatever the fuck he was doing while I finished robbing a Goetia.

“Oh, thank fuck. Y-you have no idea what this means to me!” Mayberry practically threw herself at my feet in an attempt to say how grateful she was that the bitch was dead.

“Just doing our jobs, but I’d… like to touch base for a sec to check on you. You’re… new to hell, right?” I asked, knowing the answer… and one other thing about her past the ‘first episode’. And also… attempting to put a few things in line.

“... Yes.” Oh, I can hear how much she doesn’t want to talk about that.

“Ah, don’t worry, Blitzo already…” Gossiped about your personal beef with the client throughout the setup for the mission. “Informed us about the reason for your order. You don’t need to say it again. I’m just want to make sure everything’s alright with you.”

“What do you care?” She growled out over the phone, as I put mine away as I finished stealing the book, cover to cover… I took a picture of the front and back covers as well, just to be certain. “What, do you expect me to start ordering hits on people down here too if I complain long enough to you? Or do you just want to cozy up to me so you can take advantage of the poor, vulnerable divorcee?” 

“Mayberry.” My tone was simple, yet forceful. “Is it so bad that I want you to… adjust well to the literal hellhole we all call home? I’d much prefer you alive and happy than the alternative. And no, it’s not a sex thing, not that you aren’t hot as sin… Just… fuck, I don’t even know how to say this.”

I can believe that someone with foreknowledge of this place would just ditch her without second thought, considering she ‘isn’t important’. And others would have her stick around as a living collectible/sex toy due to wanting to fuck hot demon pussy, not that I’m any different.

But… I’ve been in Hell for a few weeks now. I’ve met characters of all kinds- likable and unlikable, main and side, and… they aren’t characters anymore. They’re people.

That difference can make an annoying bitch or a hilarious drama-magnet into the most kindhearted person in Hell and a massive prick too busy wallowing in his self-hatred to fix the problem that infects everyone around him.

And… Mayberry is not fine. Her fucking the cannibal bitch that ruined her life and was one of the main reasons she ended up down here is a funny gag on-screen. But… fuck man. Doesn’t that just sound fucked up?

Fucking the person who ruined your marriage/life, who has family of her own that she’s seemingly abandoned? What kind of normal, sane decision is that?

“I’m concerned that you’re going to fuck around and do something out of grief, or just because Hell is a terrible place for anyone with anything approaching a set of morals. Just… be careful… and maybe check out the Hazbin Hotel in Pentagram City. Free rooms, y’know?”

“... I’ll think about it.” Wow, pour my fucking heart out and this is what I get? I couldn’t help but huff out a laugh at the lukewarm response. But, well, she’s a grown woman. If she wants to throw herself into whatever the fuck ends up with her sleeping with Country Girl… more power to her. “... Thank you for worrying.”

“It’s-” And then she hung up. I let my arm fall to my side, leaned back into Blitzo’s chair, and let out a groan from the deep recesses of my soul. “Fuck man, I just wanted to conquer all of existence. Why did I have to have a functioning sense of empathy?”

These people are such utter bastards, forcing me to be mature and considerate. Truly, their unfairness is matched only by my greed.

… Looks like we aren’t having that cake anymore…

One portal later, and I was walking through the front door of a certain hotel. Considering the multitude of powerhouses attached to this place, the fact this is the literal cornerstone of this reality, and the free room and board I’d be an idiot not to crash at the Hazbin Hotel.

Ugh. I feel cringe for even thinking that. A feeling that will only get worse if Angel Dust is around to try and shove his tongue in my-

“Rian!” The Princess of Hell squealed before tackling me from across the main room to wrap me in supernatural bear hug. Seriously, she has twigs for arms yet she’s practically lifting me into the air. “Oh, thank you thank you thank you!”

Once she began squeezing tight enough that I was forced to exhale, I tapped frantically on her shoulder in a desperate attempt to not die a second time. Thankfully, Vaggie came through and pried Charlie off of me with the spear she always carried with her.

Pausing to return the soot-scented air into my lungs as I doubled over, the literal she-demon came back with a beaming smile on her face.

“Oh, I can’t believe you found another guest for us! Mrs. Mayberry is already interacting with everyone nicely!” I glanced away from the almost ironically cheerful demon towards her girlfriend, who mimed drinking from a wine-glass.

Ah, she’s drinking herself into… well, I’d say Hell and back, but. Well.

“No prob, Char. I thought she’d fit right in with the rest.”

“What does she have in common with a pornstar, gambling addict, whatever the fuck Mimzie is, and a serial-killing cannibalistic Overlord?” Vaggie asked, rolling her one remaining eye and hoisting her spear inter her shoulder.

“She was a teacher before she died.” I added.

“... and?” Vaggie apparently wasn’t American if she didn’t immediately see the correlation.

“Caught her husband cheating on her on his birthday, so she gave him the old murder-suicide.” The two gasped, offended on her behalf- should I have told them this? Ah, who cares, it’s basically a less-constraining psych ward, I’ll apologize if I see her.

But how to get them to leave me alone- “She might be drinking to take her mind off it, so try talking to her-” Charlie already ran off.

“... Vaggie, please make sure your dumbass girlfriend doesn’t make her talk about her traumas on the first night here.”

“Like you even need to ask.” Vaggie sighed, shaking her head and walking over to Charlie, probaby to sing a song about respecting boundaries with a few added shit-fucks for comedic effect.

Instead of dealing with all of that, I walked over to my room (without dealing with Angel Dust- I like the guy but fuck I can only deal with one overly sexual douche a day) and locked the door behind me before falling facefirst onto my bed.

Turning over to stare at the ceiling, I let out a puff of cinders from my maw, before pulling out my phone and calling the contact I listed as Cannibal Bitch Minions. Gotta rep the setting a little, right?

Considering I had legitimately mind-controlled them, they obviously picked up before the third ring. “Yo, brats, how’re you doing?”

“My sister and I have amassed eight followers for you, my lord.”

…“It’s not even been an hour, how?!”

“What can I say, children have a certain… app-”

“Make the pedophiles commit suicide and get me followers worth keeping alive.”

“As you wish.”

Fuck, this is going to be harder than I thought. Guess trying to make conquering Earth into an idle game is… going to take a while.

Hearing the sound of a wall being destroyed, which I know will become more and more familiar as I get things going, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Even if I died and went to hell, ruling will always be more fun than serving. Since the sound of furniture being destroyed is keeping me up, might as well see if Keith David finally brought something non-alcoholic for me to chug.

A/N: Alright. This story has… been in the works, and gone through some changes.

Fun fact, this was originally going to be a Waifu Catalog story that started in Hazbin and moved on. There was even a themed build and everything- unfortunately updates to the site (and the unending tide of math) made it far more difficult to accomplish, and the setting getting dropped from Tier Nine down to Five ruined the build altogether.

So I’m taking the most interesting bits of the original power-set of ole’ Rian, some characterization, and things I believe the original setting could use (why the natural demons aren’t called Hellspawn will haunt me), we have this.

Sorry if this first chapter is slow, I just needed to get it done.

Thank you all for reading, Peace.

PS: Would you rather me post images/links, or describe the attractive monster girls? Cause that is going to be... a doozy to deal with while I try to horny post. Actually, I think I answered my own question, I'll describe 'em from now on, you guys will just deal with the image until Loona gets her screen time.