A little update

I’m sure that you have noticed I’ve been quiet for a little while. I’m doing my best to articulate my healing process and share the journey and try to stay positive. Starting week three of healing has been difficult to say the least. I know my body is going through its healing process so everything is going to shift and change and feel different. I’m really fortunate that I have had my daughter Memphis and her partner Oliver and the beautiful puppies Lua and picolina here at the house with me. There’s something so comforting about cuddling in bed with dogs. And I have a heating blanket so they really enjoy that during these cold Midwest winters. Illinois is no joke, I forgot how cold it is here all winter long. It’s funny how we forget those little details throughout the year when the sun is shining on us. While I’m incredibly thankful to have family accessible to me and have such wonderful children who will drop everything to help take care of me, the depression during this time has been very real. I have been taking Shatavari like my friend Shelby suggested. It does help with the anxiety. But to be honest the depression has been very difficult for me to deal with. I am working through it in my own way but in part it is preventing me from writing much because I don’t feel very many positive things right now even though I realize everything that I’m thankful for and the blessings I have. Things will be better soon, I tell myself this often but There are simply times where our brains do not want to understand because our brains simply get depressed. I can tell my brain over and over again how thankful I am and somehow, at times, the depression wins out. I know this is raw to listen to so I understand if this is an uncomfortable conversation for some. But it’s a very real conversation for a lot of people and I’m going to talk about it because this is part of my healing journey. I’m not gonna go into all of the details of why this healing process has been so triggering but it has. While my body is healing, I have a lot of emotions that are healing as well. I’m trying to make space for these emotions and not crowd them out by brightsiding myself. I was actually supposed to have guests come stay for a few days and I canceled with my guests because my depression level is at the point where I just simply don’t want to be around other people. Have you ever had the flu and are puke shitting yourself and don’t want anybody around to see it, that’s kind of how I feel emotionally right now. Very raw, struggling, but by no means suicidal or in fear of self harm just hurting physically and emotionally so I am giving myself space to feel my deep feelings, grief, sorrow, anger, etc. I am working on being very intentional with my actions and words.

I understand that most of what I’m going through is a transition. And hormonal changes as well as dealing with a fair amount of mourning and grief and rehashing past traumas, etc. I have been obsessively staying on a schedule. This helps me right now for some reason. Waking up at a very specific time, exercising what little bit I can three times a day, preparing foods that comfort me, being mindful of my health in the process. I am learning to hold space for my pain. Nobody likes to look at Pain, I don’t know, maybe some people do. I don’t like to look at pain. So often times I want to run from it or turn my head and often times that doesn’t help the situation. I’m at a situation right now that is impossible for me to escape from because I literally could not walk fast enough to escape, lol! I feel like everything is coming into balance. It just is taking a long time. I’ve never really been much for waiting, Never saw any use for it. What a humbling realization I am coming to now. Patience is a virtue. Healing is messy. It’s messy physically and emotionally.

It’s been an incredible experience being cared for by my daughter Memphis and Oliver. They’ve made me delicious meals and done everything that I have asked, without any sort of complaint. My sister Tara has been incredible along this journey as well. She’s made so many of my meals and delicious desserts and sat and talked with me and helped the rest of my family with their difficulties as well during this process. It takes me back to my childhood. She was often times, more often than not, responsible for my well-being in one form or another. She was in the role of caretaker to me and my sister Annie through most of her childhood. It’s such a beautiful experience to be cared for by her right now while I’m going through all of this. I would not trade these experiences for anything. As difficult as the healing process is emotionally for me right now, I’m thankful I was able to have the surgery and the surgical team. It was a complicated issue and I don’t know if it would’ve come out as well had somebody else done it. Right now resting is the best thing I can do for myself so I am going to take this time, crawl under my heated blanket, watch some TV and let myself fall asleep. Thank you for listening to me rattle on. I’m looking forward to February when all of this healing will be finished and I can function normally again. 💗🙏💗

But in the meantime I’m counting all of the things that I’m feeling excited about like, now I can have a glass of wine! I’m feeling myself in a pretty healthy state during the day, nights can still be difficult but during the days feel stronger. My mother coming over to wash the floors and take out trash is something for me to feel thankful for. Seeing my Dad recover from his surgery and feel more empowered in life again, I love seeing that! Seeing my animals on FaceTime when Jeremy calls from PR, where he will be until Tomorrow. I’m so excited to see him again! I miss hugs, cuddles, kisses, etc. I’m afraid to adventure with anyone else driving right now until the risk of internal bleeding goes down, a little accident could lead to a much more dangerous problem right now considering where the seatbelt is located, right over the area I just had surgery on, so I haven’t left the house for a week but soon I can adventure outside the house again with Jeremy!

I’m fully understanding what a long journey healing from this hysterectomy is. It’s daunting sometimes but I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.