Road to Recovery

Please let me start by saying that I’m not asking for medical advice so please do not share advice at this time. My doctors and nurses are doing great at keeping me healthy.

The road to recovery is a long and winding one. I’ve heard this 1 million times before and while I have broken bones in the past and endured moments of recovery, I’ve never experienced anything like this. Often times when we are in a state of heightened awareness about our physical health we can tend to have anxiety and fear can rise like the tides. I’ve been having a lot of these moments struggling with anxiety and fear through this. Because of the seriousness of the surgery and the advanced State of the fibroids in my uterus the hysterectomy was particularly traumatic to my body. My surgeon explained to me that a normal uterus is 60 g and mine was over 600 g. This explains why I felt and looked like I was five months pregnant for such a long time. Because they were so many fibroids and they had grown so large, the surgery was a bit more complicated than anyone would have liked. What an incredible surgical team to be able to pull it off with as little trauma to my body as possible. I keep saying how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have come out of this as well as I did. And I will keep saying it. It’s just so true. I’ve had anxiety my entire life but nothing peaks my anxiety like worrying about my health. Some major concerns along with the surgery are infection. I am at high risk for infection because of the details of the removal which I am going to choose not to go into in this moment. The word infection is terrifying after a surgery. I think it’s the thing that everybody fears the most. Infection and blood clots, those two things are common and scary. Fortunately my recovery is going really well! I always understood the importance of probiotics but now more than ever I’m focusing on staying positive and being proactive with my healing. That means lots and lots and lots of probiotics. Kombucha, yogurt, kimchi, pickles, anything pickled is really good as a probiotic. I am also taking probiotic supplements. I was on three antibiotics. I’m not going to give you the names of those antibiotics at this time but I finished one last night so now I’m working on finishing the 2 other antibiotics. The last two are harsh. The side effects of one of them is terrible nightmares, I’ve been experiencing these bad dreams but if it helps stave off infection it’s worth it but how I hate taking pills. I’m learning to trust the professionals because what they are doing is working. This is my personal experience so please follow your own journey based on your doctors recommendations. Each healing journey is unique.

My journey is mine so please do not take this as gospel for everyone. I just want to share for those who are going through this and have fear.

Here’s some exciting things I’m learning and mile markers that I’m experiencing.

The fear… breathe through it. It comes in big crashing waves. When I’m swimming in the ocean and the waves come crashing down I learned to dive under the wave before it hits. Same concept here. When I feel the waves of fear coming I stop, acknowledge the fear, breathe deeply, and go under the fear. I look for What is safe and what is real. Jeremy is real and safe. The cat that guards my house is real and safe. The plants in my room are real and safe. Do you see where I am going with this? I count ten things around me that are safe, then use my tactile senses to touch things around me that are real. At times I have to differentiate what is real and what is not. The fear is not real, it is imagined. Even if danger is present, so is some sort of safety, usually.

I focus in these things while doing squared breathing. Here is an example of squared breathing for anxiety.

https://youtu.be/2FriSddUY84

This helps greatly with trauma responses and anxiety. With a history of PTSD it’s important to not allow myself to spiral mentally. The more calm I keep my mind, the more my body follows suit and vice versa. I thought I had mastered this but as it turns out, I’m still in the process of mastering these methods. I think it’s a lifetime journey.

Anxiety produces physical pain for me as well as mental. Because of this reality, This process includes understanding weather my pain in the moment is actually physical or if it’s being heightened by fear. To differentiate i must get myself to a calm state.

This matters because I need to be aware of how much medication I need to take. The fear in me may say, “I need pain relief now”, which can lead to dependency on pain meds. This can be dangerous. It’s important for me to be aware of how much pain medication I’m taking so o don’t become too dependent on it. That can be bad.

I’m noticing that if I can ground myself this way I can be more conservative with my intake. The meds are addictive and that’s a problem I do not need or want on top of everything else. So I stop and think before I take anything at all. Do I need this? How much do I realistically need?

It’s crucial to stay ahead of the pain so it can be tricky but if I use these techniques I find myself able to cope more realistically, coming from a health minded space m, rather than a fearful space. Fear creates doubt and when we doubt our ability to heal we can easily spiral into unhealthy patterns to cope. Therefore stifling our healing.

I am a purpose driven person so having no purpose is very triggering so I must remind myself that my purpose right now is to celebrate the tiny victories like, learning to pee and poop again. Learning to walk and be somewhat independent again. I have to rely on others a great deal right now. I have to ask for help. I’m bad at asking for help so I’m learning to stop attaching shame to asking for help. It’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s healthy to be vulnerable.

I’m falling in love with Jeremy all over again through this process. It’s a beautiful thing to trust that my partner has my best interest in mind and is solid like a rock. He has been so kind and gentle with me physically and emotionally.

Also, my wedding ring now fits again since the swelling is starting to subside. This is another tiny victory that we can celebrate. Right now we are finding joy in the little things because the little things are building blocks to the bigger accomplishments to come. Like headstands. I miss having the strength to do yoga, headstands and dance. But these tiny victories are just stepping stones on that journey to a full recovery. Healing is not linear. It shifts and changes day to day, moment to moment and that is ok. Simply Existing is an accomplishment today and anything beyond that is a celebration.

I’m reminded that it’s ok to not be ok but it is my responsibility to try my best to be better than ok when I have the strength.

I know I’m not the only one going through difficulties in this time. My heart is with everyone out there struggling to get through and feeling confused about how to move forward.

Breathe, celebrate the tiny victories and try to look for reasons to be thankful for the bright spots when they come.