Finding my focus

I’m out here in Puerto Rico still recovering from the gnarly Covid, day eight. I actually started my period as well so I’m kind of feeling horrible on top of horrible currently. Laying in bed thinking about a couple days ago when I was actually feeling fairly decent and decided to go jump in to the ocean with Jeremy. We have a beautiful tiny little beach that we love to go to, sometimes I’ll post photos and videos from there. I love this little spot because when it’s calm out, I can swim out as far as I want and can just lay still and float and feel one with the water. There’s so much to see around there. I don’t always wear goggles but I can see underwater so it’s kind of cool to be able to free dive or float and feel fully entertained and embraced by the ocean at the same time. People always talk about the ocean feeling like a mother‘s love. For those of you out there who have mothers you know that relationships with mothers can be very complex and at times tumultuous and at other times extremely comforting. I don’t know, there’s something in my brain that tells me that homeostasis looks a lot like a fetus in a perfect state in utero. In water. Just that perfect stillness, that perfect temperature, just existing and feeding off of your host mother.

Not all of us have had the opportunity to have such a perfect and pleasant experience in utero. I do believe I did have one. I think that my mother took incredibly good care of her body while she was pregnant and my father took incredibly good care of my mother while she was pregnant. I believe that that set me up for some sort of success in my life because the trauma came after I became earthbound. And I endured, as we do. Still through the worst of times my parents did their best to remain that calm place for me when they could. But life happens as it happens doesn’t it? As I said, maternal relationships can be very complex. I see that also in the ocean. These beautiful calm days where I can explore and feel a degree of safety versus the days when we can’t even drive down the road where that beach is because the waves are crashing so hard against the road. In fact the road along that beach is completely eroded in certain spots and very difficult to get by if there’s any traffic at all. So the force of the ocean can also be incredibly destructive as we see in these scenarios. It’s important to think about the footprint we leave not only for children but for the people around us. How many calm days do we offer versus destructive days? Anyhow, the day at the beach just kind of got me thinking about that. I definitely connected with my inner mother that day and shed a few tears over the destruction I have caused and also came to appreciate the good I have brought into the world as well. It’s a balancing act isn’t it?

Do you ever feel this type of relationship with the water? A mothering type relationship?