Let’s talk about depression

This photo is just beautiful. I miss this guy so much. I’ve never been cared for so tenderly by any human. Every morning he wakes up and calls me his Queen and wraps his bear arms around me. We have our rough days too but that comes with the territory. Over the last 6 years together we have worked on balance. intentionally learning to give equal to what we take because we’ve both been given a lot and because we have both have experienced great losses. We try to intentionally Maintain a balance so we get used to the losses and don’t take the gains for granted. If that makes any sense?

Anyhow, today I’m depressed. It’s dark and heavy. I can’t leave my bed. It hurts my heart. I’m going through in my mind to figure out why. I’m circling the drain just racking my brain to figure out why because my mind has a hard time standing still. I’m depressed and have no legitimate reason to be. Maybe I miss Jeremy. Maybe I’m sad Memphis is moving to Texas even though I support her. Maybe childhood trauma that I can’t shake. Maybe the state of the world? Maybe it’s because I have a stomach thing that’s been bothering me for a few days. And on and on and on….

There are so many reasons for me to circle the drain and focus on all the different stories that make me feel depressed but at the end of the day the reality is I have an imbalance in my brain. I have a beautiful day in front of me on a beautiful island in a nice well constructed house that has running water and electricity most of the time. I have a reliable car with air-conditioning and just finished building out my studio for our speakeasy shows. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and I have an incredible support system.

My friend Vivien came over last night even though I was not feeling well and made me miso soup and white rice and brought me three guava from her garden with lime and made me some witches brew of Island herbs in a tea. We talked and had a wonderful time together. I felt so cared for. Vivien is always so good at caring for others. There are some wonderful people in this world and I know a hell of a lot of it them. So many reasons to feel thankful yet this cloud is hanging over my head. Somethings you just can’t fix, somethings just take time and chemistry to balance out. I’m learning to navigate the heaviness and be kind to myself because that’s really all I can do. I try to remember that it does not do me any good to write a story to what’s happening in my brain, chemically. If I want to find a reason to be angry or depressed I can find 1 million reasons, I have to let all of those thoughts leave my brain. I have to just empty out my brain of words. I have to let my thoughts come and go like waves in the ocean. I have to have faith that the feelings are going to lighten and the waves are going to calm down.

When I’m feeling like this I often times tell Jeremy that I feel like I’m lost at sea. Sometimes I’m in a boat, sometimes I’m not. And I just have to wait for the wind to calm and the waves to subside to see the right direction so that I can get back to land. It’s a silly analogy but it’s always what comes in to my head when the feels get heavy.

For a simple downswing It usually takes about 30 min to an hour to work through the worst of it and come to a place of some calm and comfort. From there it’s just a matter of choosing to get up. After that it takes a day to recoup mentally then I’m ok for a while. It’s all temporary. The extreme euphoria (my favorite part of being Bipolar) or the depressive suicidal ideation (my least favorite). It’s all temporary. As long as I remember that I’m ok.

On the days when I can’t remember that on my own I have Jeremy. He is my one man bipolar band leader. He knows exactly what to do and when. I’m incredibly fortunate to have found him because being in a relationship with a bipolar person is difficult enough to navigate but so much more so with any amount of fame involved.

In the end I’m ok. I’m going to rest then I’ll get up and fight it all again another day. Even on the hard days I’m thankful or my diagnosis. For half of my life I’ve experienced a level of euphoria that not many people have even dreamed of. I live for those moments. Knowing that those will be back soon pulls me through it.

I’m trying to be more open about my journey with bipolar disorder in hopes that it may help anyone out there struggling with it. It’s ok. It’s not a death sentence. You just have to prepare all the time for a shift. When there’s a shift find a place of comfort. Breathe, stay away from stimulants or people who give you anxious feelings, give yourself 30 minutes of “empty head” time if possible. If I’m in a public space I find my way to my car if possible and decompress. Sometimes that alone will work.

What brings you comfort when you’re spiraling or feeling the blues? It’s so personal to each of us. I’m interested to hear what brings you comfort.

Talking about this helped me so thank you 🙏 hopefully it helped someone else out there, even if it just made you know that you’re not alone. Depression is weird and doesn’t look the same from day to day for some people. Do your best to stay in the light. Be kind to yourself. Release unrealistic expectations of yourself. It’s OK if you can’t do as much as you used to pre-Covid. All this craziness with the pandemic made us realize what is important, focus on the important things and conserve energy when you need to. Tackle the more trivial things later when your brain and body chemistry are in harmony.