Amelia Therapy

Hello world, I was just laying in bed this morning thinking about all the moments of my life that make me smile. I like to do this in the morning because otherwise I tend to fixate on the negatives in the morning. It’s good to take time to sit in reflection with joyful moments.

It’s quite interesting how, in our memories joy and pain can be tightly entangled .

It’s strange how even our joyful moments can be rooted in pain. Like this photo... I look back with joy, thinking of how excited Amelia gets when she sees me coming. How little Amelia leaps into the air as high as she can and has a bark much like squeak toy. It cracks me up! Her bark makes me actually laugh out loud.

Then I think about what was actually going on beyond that delightful scenario in this pic I cringe a bit.

I remember that I was stuck in a pretty intense Bipolar cycle and coping with chronic pain.

Leaving the house at all is a huge event when I’m in the midst of a Bipolar cycle, usually chronic pain is a side affect. Leaving the house requires at least an hour of looking for things that are right in front of me, painful crying even if I’m not sad, constant triggers, self medicating because the other meds trigger suicidal ideation. After self medicating I become much more calm but the crying can intensify, however the pain that accompanies the crying calms, it becomes more emotional crying. I think the thc, cbd, etc. might trick my brain into actually connecting emotionally instead of chemically, releasing the mental pain allowing me to connect emotionally in the moment.

The rest of the day can be extremely exhausting but at least I can feel somewhat peaceful feelings again

I call the time before I Medicate “the mean reds”. Audrey Hepburn said it once in breakfast at Tiffany’s and it hit hard... I felt it. Deeply.

The mean reds...

Fortunately I don’t have to fight that hard every day but it has become much more often since Covid-19.

During those times Jeremy likes to drive me to the beach and get me in the water or up the mountain to put me with the puppies at Barks of Hope.

So as beautiful and sweet as this photo is, it’s also intense therapy for my illness on par with self medicating.

During these times I try to stay away from people I don’t know, leaving room for the folks who understand how to be there for me during these times, if I socialize at all. The emotional release can make others feel very uncomfortable if they aren’t used to it. My close friends know not to internalize my personal pain. They know not to fixate on it or ask too many questions. They know it it a chemical reaction that I’m experiencing and that we need to balance that out to move forward.

Listen to me when I say that depression and mental illness are hijackers. They hijack important moments, they step on your joy, boot to neck, not allowing you access to your full range of emotions. Not allowing you to access your life saving emotions like joy, peace, reasoning, and rational thinking. Your brain gets scrambled signals.

If you are experiencing something like this I urge you to find a therapist or psychiatrist that help you find ways to reset your brain, self soothe or medicate. I’ve had my therapist for 7 years or so. He has helped me immeasurably. Yes... I said he. My therapist is a man. I didn’t want a male therapist but now, I trust him implicitly. I spent years looking for a female therapist thinking it would be a better fit but in the process Haley (my manager) found him. I stayed because he taught me to self soothe and he allows me to experiment with THC (7 years) and psychedelics (5years now) without judgement for self medicating. It has helped immensely!!!

My point here is that if you are affected by mental illness, know that you are not alone, others are making it day by day, medicating how we medicate, finding joy where we find it, taking the shame out of mental illness, opening dialogue, staying alive.

The point is staying alive. But these little moments, like this one with Amelia make staying alive so much more fun and beautiful. She gets me💗 I know she understands, I feel it. And she needs the attention and understanding just as much as I do. Animals need us, accept us, love us the way we wish humans would. If you struggle with depression or mental illness think about helping at a shelter. Think about looking for that joy in the love and service of animals. They can be easier to understand than humans with all the good benefits of love.

These posts on mental health are deeply personal,I’m hoping that they are received with the intention I intend. I always recommend finding a good therapist and self-medicating under the care of that therapist. I’m not sure if anybody else experiences these types of things, I know that some of you do, I surely hope these intimate glimpses into my life and how I cope or helpful. That is my intention. I want people to learn how to find calm in the storm. That is how we survive it, that’s what makes it possible to thrive through it, finding the calm in the storm.

Don’t be ashamed if you are too much for some, I’m never too much for these precious pups, that’s why I can find peace here. I always say to myself “if you don’t belong, don’t be long”.

Find where you fit in. I guarantee it won’t be where you thought it would be. It never looks like you think it will💗

🦋🌟