Bi Polar lock down

This photo was taken the day before the lock down, the day before yesterday. There was a sense of impending doom that hovered above us all day. I cherished each moment there because I feared it would be my last for a while. The signs were there all week that life as we knew it would soon change drastically.

My friends from China and Europe were sending their love and light. Telling me that their hearts are with us in this dark time. The reality had not set in for me yet. I thought we, America, could somehow buy or talk our way out of the reality. Isn’t that what America does? For better or for worse.

I was hearing first hand what my friends and business associates were dealing with around the world so I knew quite well that things could get grim.

I’m now laying in my bed at 9:41 am having a very real bi polar swing. I should be doing 100 other things right now but I’m not. I won’t. I can’t.

I need another hour alone.

Time to refocus the anger, fear, resentment.

I don’t deserve the bi polar burden today. Nor does he. Nobody does. So I lay here, recalibrating.

And the action of forcing myself to rise above it physically hurts. The knowledge that my daily life is forcing myself to rise above this is exhausting and infuriating. The mask of depression and desperation that envelops my entire being is more and more difficult to shed each time I’m moved to sluff it off. But, what is the alternative? Stay stuck? Stay angry? Stay traumatized? Replay the cycle again in my mind? Minimize the pain again to fit into a world that won’t hold my edges in a non stop cycle of remembering just to forget?

I know how this ends each time. The rolling over of bones in the elephant graveyard of my brain. The constant churning of memories because the pain is addictive, though none of us want to admit it.

Fuck this.

I don’t want to breathe but I need to create.

I need to get up.

I need to cry.

I need to get up.

Get up.

Breathe.

Forget it.

Get up.

Get up.

I will get up.

K. I’m up.

Now what?