Road Dog Diaries... when things get hard... not in the fun experimental way.

It’s been a week! I’m sorting through past trauma in my return home this trip. I’m facing some very real and scary feelings about the future, family health, overcare and how to balance my ever expanding fireman’s ladder of resentment.

You may say to yourself, “but Danielle, you don’t experience resentment, your posts are positive. You’re able to work through these kind of feelings. You’ve got this”. To which I say, “yes, of course I’ve got this but I’ve also got an ass load of resentment that I’m working through because past traumas bring up resentment even with people we love the most.”

Why don’t I post about my resentments and my anger, fears and traumas? I guess I don’t post about them often in terms of complaints because honestly, people don’t listen when you complain, they just don’t. . People listen when they’re inspired to feel better, do better and be better. So I do my damnedest to flip everything on his head and look at it in a different perspective and if I can’t then I fucking stand on my head until I see things in a different perspective.

It’s important work! We are all hurting, Oprah used to say everybody has a story that will make you cry. It’s true. We are all hurting, but we’re also able to look for the solution in the problem, look for the lesson in the trauma, let’s face it, that’s what every single movie ever made is about. Looking for the lesson in the trauma or working through the trauma whether it’s in a healthy or an unhealthy way, this is what we do as humans. You are not alone. You are not alone.... you are not alone.

It’s OK if you do not have it all figured out today. It’s OK if you don’t have your shit together today. It’s OK if your once full cup feels empty. But it is your responsibility to fill it back up. Nobody can give out of an empty cup you can only receive, so when you feel like your cup is empty allow the world to give you what it needs to fill it back up. I don’t know what that means for you, for me it always goes back to caring for my community, but only after I have cared for my own needs. When you exhaust yourself or others around you with no break, that is when resentment builds. We must take care of our own mental physical financial and emotional health first..

Just remember it’s ok. You are ok. If you’re not, that’s ok too. This too shall pass, trust me. I think today is a really great day to focus on the positive. Because I simply won’t allow my mind to get cluttered with the bullshit today, I have a job to do, a job I love, I’m on the road, I’m far from home, I’m far from my comforts, but there are new adventures and opportunities waiting for me right through the door of the place I am right now. Today I will choose to look for the adventures and the bright spots and the joy in the moment. In the location where I am. Surrounding myself with love and light. Working on my boundaries and building a protective space around me while respecting the boundaries of those around me and taking special care to be gentle with myself and others today. Remembering that how we treat others is a reflection of where our work lies. Today I’m going to book an appointment with my therapist and eat well, not drink alcohol and exercise even if it’s for 10 minutes. I will avoid triggers and traumatic conversation. I will say no when I need to and won’t feel guilty about it. Today I will advocate for myself and my mental health.

What do you do when you start to feel the resentments build? What do you do when you don’t know where to turn to? Who do you reach out to? Who are the people you trust most in your life, You know, the ones that forgive all your trespasses and help build you up, the ones that love you as you are even though you’re flawed, the ones that are so loyal and kind because they are also deeply flawed?

For me, when I start to feel the resentment build, I realize that it’s a natural feeling and it means that I’m not being present and vocal about my boundaries. I have total control of this situation, 🎉🎉🎉 that’s good news!

When I don’t know where to turn to, I have my therapist on speed dial. When my therapist is not available, I have a very small group of trusted loved ones they can help me gain perspective. It’s like having my very own emotional board of directors that I trust implicitly. But those people are few and far between so I try not to wear them down or use them up. I try not to overwhelm them with my frustrations, I go to them and ask them if they have the time and space and energy to hear me without trying to fix me. If they say yes, I appreciate it and if they say no, I appreciate their boundaries And they reach out to the next person on my list.

I will not make a public list of my most trusted people because that list waxes and Wanes depending on what is happening in the world and in their world. It’s very important when you have a trusted emotional board of directors that we understand when they don’t have the mental space to sooth us. Don’t take it personally if someone does not have the mental or emotional space to soothe you. It is our responsibility to learn how to self soothe, it is our privilege to have a trusted emotional Board of Directors. Treat them like gold! Reciprocate love, cherish their time and energy, it’s valuable just like ours is.

My biggest recommendation out of all of this is to realize the time wasters in your life. Find the black hole in your life where stores of your energy are being sucked out. Fill that hole with something more productive emotionally. Humans are problem solver‘s, that is our downfall as well as being one of our greatest accomplishments. After you find your time wasters, actively weed that garden. When the time wasters pop up, a little by little, pull them out and throw them away. Time wasters could be drinking, gambling, self harm, self loathing, drugs, overcare, resentment, over scheduling, etc.... find a way to remove that negative thing or behavior it and fill it with something productive. What is it you get out of that habit? What is the emotional pay off? Why do you keep returning to it? Some situations we cannot avoid. Some situations we may feel or time/energy wasters but they also have a powerful emotional connection to us and it may be difficult to avoid finding yourself in that situation but you can control how you respond in that situation. You can control the amount of energy you put towards the anger and resentment of the situation. My parents always used to tell me to react with love because it heaps fiery coals upon the head of your opposers. My dad explained to me at a young age that that biblical proverb means something very different than what it sounds like. He said in fact to keep fiery coals upon the heads of others is a smelting reference. When you’re working with a stubborn hard metal you have to use more heat, more fire to bend the metal into the direction you want it to go. It’s literally a process of forging your will in fire not so that another person breaks but so that another person bends to understand your reasoning. When we use force our tools break, when we use reason, we save our strength. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I’m sitting in a hot bath right now and getting ready for work and running slightly behind so, I’m going to be responsible and not waste any of my time so that I don’t waste the time of those that I love. Thank you for listening, this helped me work through some shit🌸❤️🌸