Mansion of Madness! - Chapter 1

Weiss woke with a splitting headache, like she’d been up all night listening to Ruby talk about weapons. Sitting up, she clutched her temple and moaned, struggling even to get her eyes open–the second she dared raise her lids, a thousand needles stabbed her pupils. The clamor in her ears was even worse: it came from all around her, an awful clatter, accompanied by fearful whispers and whimpers that made them ring like bells. Groaning, she rubbed her forehead even harder. She didn’t know what was going on here, but she was certain it was Ruby’s fault somehow. 

As last, the ringing in her ears died, and when she opened her eyes, the blur resolved into something she could make sense of: looking around, Weiss found herself staring at an assortment of young and slightly less young women, all dressed in the same black and white outfits.

…Maid outfits, she realized. They were all wearing maid outfits.

Slowly, Weiss’s eyes slid down, settling at last on the frilly bodice of her own skimpy uniform. She froze for a second as her brain rebooted, and when she finally snapped back to life, it was to grit her teeth and snarl. She was going to kill that obnoxious little–

The–one… two… three…–nine of them sat with their backs against the wall of a plasticky cage maybe a few meters in each direction, just large enough to avoid squishing them against one another. Examining the wall, Weiss raised a hand and rapped it with her knuckles–it looked like plastic, and it felt like it too, but it might as well have been steel. No matter how hard she pressed, she couldn’t make a dent in it. Every few seconds, it jerked a little, and from beyond its walls came a terrible rattling and grinding, like the gears of a great engine. Weiss didn’t know what to make of it.

“Hey, you,” said someone. Weiss spun and found herself looking into the eyes of a young woman with long, scarlet hair. “You’re finally awake.” 

“Obviously,” said Weiss. “Where the hell are we?! What is this?! Who are you?” 

“Erza,” said the redhead, holding out her hand for Weiss to shake. 

With a frown, Weiss did so. “...Weiss.” 

“It’s good to meet you, Weiss. I wish I could answer your other questions. What’s the last thing you remember?” 

Weiss opened her mouth and closed it to think. “I was… I was at home. In my dorm room. I’d just undressed to step into the shower, and–” Oh Dust, had she slipped and brained herself on the toilet seat again? Was this all a dying dream?!

“Mmn.” Erza nodded, as if this were completely unsurprising. “It’s the same for everyone else I’ve asked.” 

“Why are we wearing maid outfits?!” cried Weiss, who really really wanted to make it clear she wasn’t on board with it–she’d never let herself be seen in something so lower class.

Erza tightened her eyes. “I can think of one reason…” she said darkly. 

A bead of sweat formed on Weiss’s brow, slid down her face, and dripped from her chin, striking her bodice with a splot. “Wh-what are you suggesting?” 

Erza’s expression lightened. “Someone wants us to be their maids,” she said.

“Oh.” Well, when you put it that way, it almost sounded obvious.

“I’ll introduce you to others.” Erza coughed, quietening the chatter a little, though everyone had been paying attention for the most part anyway. “Everyone, this is Weiss.” 

Several of her fellow captives mumbled replies.  “Hi.” “Hello.” “Hi, Weiss.”

Weiss grimaced. What was this? A team-building event?

Erza indicated a tall, curvaceous blonde, like a stretched-out Yang with a much stronger hairbrush. “This is Samus. She’s a bounty hunter.” 

‘Samus’ gave her a curt nod. 

“A pleasure to meet you,” said Weiss, though she couldn’t hide her concern. In her ridiculous maid uniform, their ‘bounty hunter’ looked more like an exotic escort.

Erza turned to a short, redheaded woman with the largest boobs Weiss had ever seen. “This is Ilulu. She’s a dragon.” 

“Hello,” said Weiss, whose urge to be polite was once more winning the war with her urge to scream at everyone. She held out her hand.

To her annoyance, Ilulu simply grit her teeth and glared at her. “Don’t touch me, human!”

Weiss snatched back her hand with a frown. “Well, there’s no need to–” Her head snapped back to Erza. “I’m sorry, did you say ‘dragon’?” 

Erza’s expression hadn’t changed. “Yes, that’s right.” 

“You sound remarkably unfazed by that!” 

“Why would I be? There’s nothing unusual about dragons.” 

“Really,” said Weiss. 

“This is Emilia,” continued Erza, indicating a young woman with a silver hair and pointed ears. 

“H-hello,” said Emilia, offering her hand to shake Weiss’s own. “It’s good to meet you… I just wish it could be under better circumstances.” 

“Don’t we all…” said Weiss, beneath her breath.

“This is Gura,” continued Erza, gesturing as a short young woman with a shark’s tail. “She’s from Atlantis.” 

“From where?” 

“It’s an underwater city,” said Erza, as if this were entirely within the norm for her.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Weiss, who came from a floating island. 

Ignoring this, Erza turned to the next prisoner in line: a young woman with long pink pigtails and a chest that seemed to jiggle each time she so much as twitched. “This is Nicole.” Her maid outfit seemed noticeably skimpier than the rest of theirs.

“Er, hi,” said Nicole. 

“And you’re a…?” Prostitute? 

“I’m a Hollow Investigator,” said Nicole, not that this meant anything to Weiss. She looked to Erza, who simply shrugged. Apparently there were limits to her knowledge as well.

The penultimate prisoner lay on her side, happily snoring. Like Emilia, she had silver hair and pointed ears. 

“And this is…?” said Weiss, when Erza didn’t introduce her.

Erza shrugged. “We don’t know. She hasn’t woken up yet.” 

Weiss frowned as the mystery prisoner rolled over in her sleep, happily burbling. 

Finally, they turned to the last woman on the list: a young redhead with a cat’s ears and tail, who sat crammed into the corner, clutching her head and moaning. “Nyaaaaaah! This can’t be happening, nya!” 

Weiss and Erza exchanged a glance. “This is Baka,” said Erza. “She’s… Well, I’ll let you figure it out yourself.” 

“I screwed up! I screwed up! I screwed up! I screwed uuuuuuuup! Nyah!” Tearing her hair out, Baka stuffed it into her mouth. 

“Alright,” said Weiss, turning back to Erza, “what’s your plan?” 

Erza raised an eyebrow. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” snapped Weiss, “this isn’t Photography 101. If you’re taking charge, you’re doing it for a reason. What’s the plan?” 

“To escape, obviously,” said Samus.

“That would certainly be a good start,” said Weiss, flatly. “And how exactly are we planning to–?”

Before she could finish, the cage lurched, throwing all of them from the walls. “What’s happening now?” cried Weiss, clutching at Erza for support. “What was–?” 

With a schunk, the floor opened up. Weiss could only scream as she tumbled into the void.

*

“Everyone alive?” Erza’s voice sounded muffled.

Face planted deep in the comfiest pillow she’d ever had the fortune of resting her head on Weiss struggled to will herself to move. Perhaps if she lay here just a little longer, it would all turn out to be a bad dream… 

“G-get off of me!” Hands tightened on her shoulders; Weiss opened her eyes just in time to see a furious Ilulu thrust her away. 

Blushing, Weiss scrambled back and crashed into Erza’s legs. Arms folded, the redhead looked down on the rest of them like a general on her troops. Besides Samus, she was the only one on her feet. “Is everyone whole? Ilulu? Emilia? Nicole?” Nods and groans of agreement. “Gura?” 

“P-present.” 

Erza quirked an eyebrow. “...Baka?” 

Baka had landed on all fours, like the animal she resembled. She didn’t look any happier for it though. “Oh nyo… We’re here…” 

Weiss frowned. Here seemed to be a large bedroom, with four bunkbeds just like the ones in her own dorm, if slightly less makeshift. Except their dormroom was a dump–this looked like the servants’ quarters of a palatial gothic mansion, complete with chandeliers, their candles flickering away. Strangely erotic paintings decorated the walls, their eyes appearing to roam all over them, while an enormous armoire loomed in the corner, wobbling occasionally, as if something were trying to get out.

“Where exactly is here?” said Erza, as Samus ran to the double doors and took a peek through the keyhole.

“Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-” Baka started to vibrate like a jackhammer. “Th-th-the Mansion!” 

The candles flickered and died, throwing them into darkness. Someone screamed. 

A moment later, the light returned with a whispered word, leaving the nine of them standing around and looking very sweaty indeed. Weiss turned to see the silver-haired girl with the pointy ears holding a luminous orb. She decided not to question it, though she had no shortage of questions, not least of which: 

“Wh-what do you mean? What mansion?!” 

Baka moaned. “It’s Mahō’s! Mahō’s mansion!” 

“Who’s Mahō?!” cried Weiss.

“She’s a witch!” cried Baka, tugging at her cheeks, which stretched like they were rubber. “She’s an evil witch! And this is her evil haunted manshun, nya!” Covering her eyes, she wailed into her hands. “Nyaaaaaaah! We’re so screweeeeeed!” 

“A witch?” said Ms. Silver Hair, looking around with what appeared to be fresh interest.

“Why exactly are we screwed?” said Erza, eyes tight. 

Baka snivelled. Slowly, she wiped her eyes. “B-because Mahō is crazy, nya! An-and because her mansion is full of crazy traps, and we’re gonna set them off all and–nyaaaaaaah! 

“Who cares about a few stupid traps?” said Ilulu, folding her arms. (The effect on her boobs left Weiss red-faced.)

“Wait, if this is a mansion…” Nicole’s eyes lit up, sparkling like jewels. “That means it’s got to be full of treasure, right?” 

“Evil treasure! Eviiiiil treasure!”

“Just how bad is this ‘Mahō’?” asked Samus.

Baka struggled to wipe her eyes. “She’s insane! She’s always demanding new maids and turning them into something disgusting! The last batch didn’t even last a day!” 

“T-transforms them?” said Weiss, eyes widening in horror. 

Samus looked perplexed, but Erza seemed to take this information in stride. “If that’s the case, it’s all the more important that we work out an escape plan immediately…!” 

 “Nyou–nyou–nyou’re right!” cried Baka. “We’ve… we’ve gotta get outta here! We’ve gotta get outta here before…!” With a scream, she turned and rushed for the door.

“W-wait! The traps…! You just told us about the–” 

Grabbing the handle, Baka wrenched the door open and screamed as a bolt of pink lightning struck her head, snapping her tail straight and making all its fur stand on end. With a scream, she flew back, bounced twice, and rolled to a stop smoking, her skin bubbling like the contents of a witch’s cauldron. “Owie.” 

The door swung back and forth in the wind, hinges creaking. Several seconds passed in silence as the rest of them waited to see what would happen next, but in the end, it produced nothing more than a few pink sparks. Soon, even Baka’s skin ceased bubbling, leaving her seemingly unharmed. 

“Hmm,” said the silver-haired woman. “She clearly wasn’t lying about the traps.” 

“Wh-what do we do now?” cried Weiss. 

A bout of faint laughter tickled her ears. 

Vote to decide who should act and what they should do! Depending on the combination, this might go really well for them! …Or it might not. More than one option may be enacted. 

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