My Sister Ivy Part 9

My Sister Ivy Part 9

As our embrace comes to an end, the light from the kitchen hurts my eyes. Ashamed of myself, I’ve had my head buried into my mom’s shoulders for the last few minutes.

We’ve not said anything to each other in that time, but she’s been gently stroking at my long hair.

Wiping away the tears from my eyes, I look at my mom and I wonder what’s going through her head. She must be so ashamed of me. Is she upset that I’m not normal….?

“Do you…...?” My voice cracks and I cough to clear my throat.

“Sweety?”

“Do you hate me now!?” I ask, finding the words almost painful to say.

I really think she might hate me—with all the trouble my stupidity is going to cause. I know why I let this happen, but why did I think I could hide it!?

Mom’s face drops and she gasps. “Jordan!?”

I look away. I can’t face that judgemental expression she’s giving me.

“Is that what you really think of me!?” Mom continues, touching my chin gently to move my face back into view. “Why on earth would you say or think something like that. You are my baby, and you always will be!” 

I try to move my face away, so I don’t have to look. Her tight, but gentle grip on my face doesn’t allow it.

“I-I…I’m going to cause issues for everyone, Mom!” I finally answer, angry at how I expect strangers and family are going to react to my gender transformation. 

Every time I look into the mirror and I see this girl I’m becoming staring back at, it just fills me with a deep dread. A dread so dark, it drowns out the happy feelings instantly. People are going to be mean and I know it. I’m not even sure how my dad Is going to react.

“Maybe we should talk some more?” Mom says, giving me a comforting smile. “Would that make you feel better?”

Ivy quickly comes into my mind. I’ve grassed her up! I feel so awful for telling on her like that!

“Will you help me with Ivy?” I ask, changing the subject. “She’s been allowing me to discover who I really am these last few months. Though, she’s not acting like my big sister anymore. She now always seemingly so…. depressed.”

Mom lets go of my face and leans casually on the kitchen counter. Letting out a long breath, Mom rubs her eyes and looks actually very tired. Maybe she’s just as worried as I am?

“I’ve noticed that too, Jordan,” she admits, staring out the kitchen window. “Ivy has seemed so troubled and lifeless recently. Her spark seems to have vanished. Maybe all this might be the reason why.”

“Oh?” 

“Mmmm, yeah sweety,” Mom ponders, resting her head in her hands as she leans across the counter. “You said she’d been giving you these…erm…..”

Mom stops and smiles. “What exactly has she been giving you Jordan?”

Still so ashamed of my actions, I don’t smile back. I can’t even bring myself to smile because I feel so stupid. 

“It’s like a….,” my voice cracks as I force myself to answer. “A pink packet. It Doesn’t mention anything about hormones on it though.”

Mom nods as she listens.

“I think it has a company logo or something like that,” I continue, playing with one of my pigtails as I speak. “The life expanding company. That’s the name of the company printed on the box, I believe.”

“Curious….,” Mom answers with a thoughtful smile. 

As she continues to stare vacantly out the window, I start twiddling my hair. I like that it’s got long. Playing with my hair has already become my new favorite way of comforting myself. 

However, another long moment of silence passes between us and I start to wonder if I should get myself a drink or offer to make us both a coffee. Just as I start considering making a cold coffee, Mom reaches over to me and places one hand upon mine.

“Jordan….,” she says, looking directly into my eyes. “Can I ask you something very personal?”

I nod yes.

Mom's face lights up and her smile widens. 

“Before I ask,” she continues, now clutching my hand tight with hers. “I want you to know we all love you and we all want you to be happy. I’m sorry I was a little shocked earlier, but I do agree that it’s your body and your choice.”

I nod again “Thanks, Mom.”

“So…. Having said that,” Mom says, allowing her loving smile to drop and her expression to become serious. “Would becoming a female make you happy?”

I look deep into her eyes. I’d imagined this moment over and over in my mind. At times I never thought I’d even have the courage to even tell her how I felt, let alone be actually transitioning. Would I be happier as a girl? This is the question!

I have had good times as a boy—for sure! It’s not like I look at myself in the mirror and despise what looks back at me. But If I’m being completely honest, before Ivy outed me, I’d just existing as my male self. Just kinda letting life pass me by with no motivation or effort. 

Although I’ve been worried about using the stuff in the pink packet, I’ve never felt so alive and well…..excited. I absolutely do not regret taking them! 

I guess that’s my answer!

A smile creeps across my face. “Yes, Mom,” I ultimately answer, clear and confident. “I want to be a girl. I think that will make me happy.”

Ecstatic, Mom pulls me in tight and kisses the top of my head.

“I’m so proud of you!” she says with a crack of emotion in her voice. 

Even though she’s pressing my face into her chest, I feel a single tear form and slide down my cheek. I’ve wanted this for so long. This must be a dream!

Stroking my hair, Mom kisses me on the head a second time.

“Hunny,” she says, clearly still a little emotional. “Where do you want to start with this. I want to help you as much as I can.”

Still muffled by her embrace, I’m unable to answer, so I push away. My eyes take a second to adjust to the light. But when they do, I see Mom smiling at me with such excitement on her face. 

Mom then gently touches my blushing cheeks. “Such a pretty girl. You’re going to be such a fine young lady.”

My cheeks burn bright as I blush even more. “I love you, Mom,” I reply, giving her a closed-eyed grin.

“So, where do we start?” Mom asks again, taking her hand from my face. “Do you wanna start living as a girl from today?”

“Yes!” I answer passionately, giving my mom a thumbs up.

“So much to do then!” Mom replies, standing up arrow straight.

That’s when she begins to pace around the kitchen in an almost frantic state. It’s like her mind is working at a million miles a second and her body is desperately trying to keep up.

“First we’ve gotta talk to our doctor and make sure your transition is safe medically,” Mom says, talking at the speed of light. “Then we’ve gotta get new outfits and shoes. Talk to the school, change your name, update at city hall, redecorate your room.”

Mom then stops and looks me up and down and continues talking at speed. “Good thing you fit into my old clothes. I hope you don’t mind wearing mine and Ivy’s stuff until we can afford to get your own.”

Before I can answer, she’s pacing around again.

“Gotta tell my parents about this,” she worries. “And everyone else in the family. Oh, and there are medical expenses to arrange. I Gotta teach you how to act, speak and dress like a woman. Teach you makeup and hair styling…….”

“Mom!” I laugh, interrupting her rambling. “Maybe we should start by just….I don’t know….telling dad?”

She gives me a blushing smile before nodding. “Yes baby,” she laughs. “I guess that’s a good place to start.”

I grin. “Oh, and my name,” I say assertively. “I want to still be called Jordan. I like my name and I think it’s cute for a girl.”

Mom’s eyes grow wide and she beams a big smile. “Mommies chose that name well then.”

I drop my shoulder and give her a suspicious look. “I thought dad chose my name?” 

Mom giggles. “That’s what I wanted him to think.”

Although I give Mom a fleeting smile, I begin to get nervous once again. This is really happening right now? Am I about to change my life for the better? What is dad going to say!? Is he going to be upset!?

“What’s the matter?” Mom asks, concerned. 

I start playing with my hair again and I wonder how to approach the question of how to tell dad.

“Do you….,” I pause and twiddle some more. “Do you think he’s going to be upset?”

“Nah,” Mom replies instantly, waving away my concerns. “We’ve known about your cross-dressing for years. Yeah, he was concerned about you at first, but that’s because he wants the best for you.”

“He does?”

“Jordan,” Mom scolds, like I’ve said something silly. “Of course! He was so upset you didn’t come out to him a few weeks back when Ivy had you dressed as Alice in Wonderland. We genuinely thought that you would.”

“He was!? He told me he’d be sad if I became one of the girls!?”

“Oh, he’s only worried about being outnumbered in the house,” Mom answers, laughing to herself. “He’s worried us girls are going to pick on him. He’s just being a big baby if you ask me. Pay that no attention.”

“So, he’s really not going to be upset?” 

“No way! He’s going to be just as thrilled as I am. Jordan, we are your parents. The only thing we want for you in life is for you to be happy. From the moment you were born, that’s all we’ve ever wanted. I’m judging by the smiles on your face in the last thirty minutes, this is going to make you happy. So I promise you, my sweet little darling daughter, he’s going to be so excited for you!” 

Tears well behind my eyes once again. Her words mean the world to me and they sink deep into my soul, yanking out the dysphoria that’s made me so sad in the past. 

“M-m-mom…,” I sob, allowing the waterworks to flow. “T-t-thank you. Y-you have n-no idea what that m-means to me!” 

“I think I do,” Mom replies, gently wiping tears from my eyes. “Let it all out Jordan. You aren’t facing this alone anymore!”

Unable to hold in the tears once again, I must look an absolute wreck. I can even taste the makeup in my tears.

“Baby,” Mom says, gently embracing me. “You’ve been hiding all this emotion deep down—haven’t you. Let it all out, sweety. Let yourself be free!”