Dysphoria (part 1)

New story idea here. Let me know what you think

Dysphoria

Sore and red, my eyes slowly open to the view of another dingy hotel room ceiling. Another morning beckons me to move when I just don’t want to.

Have you ever played a video game—got really far but forgotten to save it?

Less likely to want to play it again…right? Re-live those moments you’ve already lived becomes tedious. All that progress….lost!

Tedious…right?—that’s my existence.

I don’t even really remember how I got to this point. I don’t remember the name I was born with. I’ve been so many ‘characters’ in my life now, that I’m not even sure who or what I am.

How many times has the game reset without me saving I wonder..?

Rubbing my face again, I reluctantly sit on the side of the bed. Letting out a long and labored sigh, I wonder what there is to get up for.

Of course, being a hotel room—I can’t stay here. That unfortunate truth starts off another sorrow-filled day.

That’s when I remember it. That’s when I feel the need for it. Reaching across to the nightstand, It calls for me. It yearns for me to hold it and of course, I quickly give in.

Smooth to touch and warm to hold, the luminous tennis balls sized sphere greets me like an old friend.

This friend, however, is more demon than ally. I, however, can’t be without it.

Holding the sphere close to my floundering broken heart, I take a moment to reflect on the souls we’d acquired yesterday.

Its hunger is voracious. Its need never met.

Even the form that I exhibit right now is a product of its’s sheer lust for power. Looking down at myself, I’d almost forgotten. Forgotten what form I’d decided was appropriate for the moment. What form I’d decided to borrow in that second—stolen from another.

I stand and look into the hotel mirror and glance at the scruffy male form staring back at me.

His eyes are dull and lifeless. His form is unfamiliar and cold. I wouldn’t say hello to this person on the street, yet—this is me.

I stare for a moment more as I take in some more detail. I wonder who this man was…?

A family man perhaps? Important to those around him? Maybe a lawyer or a shop worker—guess now none of that matters anymore.

All that matters is not being caught. Not being recognized. Being part of the background, never in the spotlight.

That is how it must be. That is how I must live my life.

Holding the sphere up in my left hand, I stand closer to the mirror and stare intently at the reflection that is not mine.

Gently running my thumb across the sphere’s smooth metallic surface, my appearance flutters and changes rapidly. Asif I was an avatar in a cheap video game being randomized constantly.

I feel nothing. No attachment to any form.

My body continues to cycle through changes in height, weight, gender, and appearance.

I had literal milliseconds to stare into the eyes of an unknown soul. Milliseconds to decide if that person's character is correct for me.

Hundreds of different faces pass by. Hundreds of different individuals are at my fingertips, waiting to have their chance to be seen and heard for the first time—in what could be decades.

Slowing my thumbs movements across the surface of the sphere, the faces flashing before my eyes begin to slow. I begin to see the whites of their eyes. Each face looked just as lifeless and cold as the next.

Even the perkiest of sky blue eyes look devoid of joy.

As I said—I feel nothing.

Eventually, I settle. Needs must and my new form reflects that.

See, I don’t have to means nor the will to pay for this room. Sneaking out of the hotel is made all the more easier when you are a completely different person—in every sense of the word.

This young girl's body will do exactly that. Not as tall as I’d like, but I despair to waste any more time on what's become a daily…inconvenience.

Looking for my large and very worn suitcase, I brush the now long ginger hair from my eyes and hold my naked chest with one arm for support. It’s all well and good having settled on this form, but do I have the clothing to fit!?

Shoes and their sizes have become my nemesis! It’s rare that I have every particular size in my collection that is needed for each form that I take. Hopefully, I have something for this ….girl's form.

Placing the sphere onto the floor, I Unzip the case. Taking a second to study the mess of garments stuffed inside, I seem to remember having a pair of flared jeans that might just do the trick. A simple outfit will do…but they must have pockets.

I tend to avoid female garments without pockets. Just a quality of life necessity that I’ve come to require at all times.

Pulling the crumpled jeans out, I hold them against my frame to check the size. It’s a match! Placing them to the side, I now start the tedious task of finding underwear. Doesn’t take me too long to find a sports bra and some female briefs.

Quickly throwing everything on. I whip my hair into a ponytail and adjust myself for comfort. Although the outfit fits this frame perfectly, making me look extremely natural, they all stink!

“Time to visit the cleaners,” I grumble, picking up the sphere to stuff into my jean back pocket.

Stuffing the excess clothing back into my case, I sweep the room to leave no trace. Leaving my keycard in the room, I shut the door behind me and head straight towards the lobby.

Many times I’ve done this. Many times have I been mistaken for a lady of the night, visiting the man I was the night before.

Reaching the lobby, I don’t even look in the direction of the staff. The bustle of the morning breakfast rush was enough to keep me under the radar. Still, I doubt they’d even believe I’m the same person.

They’d think I’d gone completely mad. I’d think they’d gone mad if they did.  This is what makes this so easy.

Exiting the building with my suitcase in tow, I consider hiring a taxi. The overcast weather calls for it. I don’t want to get caught in the rain!

Having said that, where would I go!? What would I tell him!?

Seems I’m still forever lost. Following a long forgotten trial. Bereft of any hope or direction.

Aimless, I amble off in the direction the wind blows. Losing myself in the crowded streets and I wonder where my next bed will be.

“Suzie!?” A shrill voice calls out from across the street. Causing much of the crowd to look in that direction. I don’t pay it any mind. Nothing to do with me.

“My god… SUZIE!” the voice shouts in desperation, getting closer.

A hand then touches my shoulder. Large and clearly shaking. It disgusts me.

“DO not touch me!” I hiss, jerking his hand from my body.

As I turn to look at this man who’s had the audacity, his expression spells one of pure disbelief. Almost like he’s seen a ghost.

His eyes twitch as he stares at me. I can see his raw emotions coming to the surface.

“I-I-I- can’t believe it!” he squeals, tears now forming in his eyes.

Oh god. He’s a goddam Knower. This form I’ve taken has been bloody recognized. The sphere knows what must now be done and it cries out for it! It yearns to be fed—it pains me to do so.

“Do I know you….?” I reply in monotone.

Shocked, his tearful eyes grow wider. I can see his body physically shaking. Passers-by are staring at us!

“It’s m-me!” he hastily exclaims. “it’s me for heaven's sake! Your…dad!”

Looking for a nearby alleyway or somewhere quiet, I don’t instantly respond to his heartfelt plea. I may look like his daughter, but I’m certainly not her.

“Dad…?” I respond, playing the part until I can take further action. “We should go talk over there! Somewhere quiet.”

I point and start heading toward a darkened alleyway a few meters ahead of us. He franticly agrees and I lead the way.

“S-Suzie…,” he says, gasping for air as we walk. “We all thought……”

Silence follows as we get closer to the alleyway. I know what he’s about to say. I’ve heard it all before.

“We all thought you were…..well—dead!” he continues, sobbing through a wide relieved smile.

Turning to face him, with the dark alleyway to my back, I smirk.

“Come talk to me more…,” I reply, giving him a forced friendly smile. “I’m so happy daddy is here to rescue me.”

Slowly backing into the alleyway, I usher him towards me with my hands. My grin grows wider and more sinister as he follows me deeper and deeper.

Eventually out of sight of prying eyes, I stop.

“What's going on…?” he asks, looking around nervously. “Suzie…what are you doing? Please, let me take you home now!”

I shake my head and chuckle. His face grows sour with worry.

Pulling the sphere from my back pocket, I can feel the jagged edge of hunger emanating from it. I do hate this part.

“Sorry to do this to you…..dad,” I sarcastically reply, staring at the sphere as I hold it up between us.

The man backs away slightly. “Suzie…baby..,” he pleas, holding out his arms to embrace me. “I don’t understand what happening right now or what happened to you. Please just come home. Everyone will be ecstatic to see you!”

“Like I said,” I repeat sullenly, backing away as he approaches. “I’m sorry.”

Just like that, the sphere burns bright with brilliant white light. Although I can no longer see, I can feel it moving and twitching in my hand as it feeds on another unsuspecting soul.

Just like that, my body reverts to another form.

As the light fades, the sunspots in my eyes cause me to be dazed. I drop to my knees but clutch the sphere tight.

Allowing a moment for my vision to clear, I feel clearly the changes that have occurred. I can feel my feminine garments stretching and struggling to contain this new form.

“Great….,” I grumble, pulling my suitcase close.

Getting to my feet, I see the man's clothes piled up in front of me. I must act quickly to get into them before anyone see’s me. Questions would be asked and I do not want that!

“Another outfit for my collection,” I whisper quietly, as I pick up the man's shirt. “Another soul lost forever, but at least his clothes are clean.”

Reaching for his shoes, I look down at my newly acquired form and wonder….who was this person?

…….I feel nothing.