frivvifox

Journal #4

Added 2020-01-08 22:01:05 +0000 UTC

I could’ve written last night, but was in a more negative headspace and didn’t want these to all be so depressing. I want to be true to myself and show a bit more inside my brain with you all (which is quite dark and morbid), but at the same time I don’t want you guys to think I’m constantly complaining and miserable. My brain is very much a rollercoaster. I’m waiting to get in to see better, more specialized doctors as well as getting an MRI to make sure everything is okay up there since the accident. Still have a few weeks yet, though, so I’m just trying to power through these days as best as I can. A couple months ago I found relief and clarity that I hadn’t felt in so long... I was distraught to see it leave me so quickly, but I’m holding onto that hope that I CAN feel and get better. :)

So this entry is dedicated to YOU. What your support has allowed me to do the last year: support several charities near to my heart, hire an editor, believe in love again, find (slowly, but surely) confidence, afford to see more doctors and work more proactively to get myself healthy, get through those rock bottom nights where everything is dark and I see no light at the end of the tunnel, stand up to trolls online and stalkers that have been quite explicit with what they would do with me if they found me one day, show my family even more so that what I’m doing IS good and can be beneficial for so many people, travel more to get outside my head and see different cultures and perspectives and of course traveling to conventions to meet more of you!!! Which has been the highlight of my year.

Thank you for your patience. Truly. Through all of these years, months, weeks - thank you for staying by my side and trusting that I’m trying my best. So many nights I truly feel broken... and I spiral and hate myself that I struggle so deeply when I have more than I could ever imagine or ask for... if it’s not for me, i want to get better for you guys. To show you how much I really want to give you of myself and what I’m capable of. Because I don’t think you’ve seen it yet, and it kills me inside.

Baby steps, though. While most people spent their young adult life making mistakes and spending time with friends or learning in college or jobs and making lasting relationships... I was trying not to kill myself. That is the true summary of 2012-2016 for me. And it’s difficult to look back and think “man why didn’t I do this or this or that” because I forget the trauma and mental state I used to be in and how far I’ve really, truly come because of all the things that have happened and I’ve done. Whether that be pushing myself or choosing to just exist in that moment and stop comparing myself to others and match their output. I’ve always wanted to be the superwoman type - that just keeps on and nothing stops me or trips me up. But the truth is, I’m mentally fragile. And I think that’s ok. I’m getting stronger and stronger by the day and finding that balance. Because the reason I am “fragile” is not just trauma or genetics or whatever else, it’s my ability to understand and empathize with other living things. I always looked at my deep empathy as a weakness and curse because things I could do nothing about would crush my heart and I couldn’t simply compartmentalize like seemingly everyone else could. But I’m getting better at it, turning my worry and anxiety into action rather than being paralyzed by it all the time. That’s pretty frickin cool if you ask me. I can see the progress I’m making and that I’ve made - I just need to stop and look at it sometimes to appreciate things and feel more hopeful going forward.

I couldn’t have made it in this world without your guys’ love, patience, support and understanding. I would’ve been crushed in a conventional career. I wish I could give you all what you have given me... hopefully the general workplace begins to take mental health more seriously and treats you right. You deserve it and so much more.

I believe in you. You’re doing amazing. Keep going! Keep trying! Keep saving and thriving! You are loved and appreciated beyond measure.

Thank you.