Anniversary of Something (Part 1)

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. It’s been a miserable day the past bunch of years, but it stings a little less now.

When we first separated we promised each other this pleasant picture of post-divorce friendship, keeping our family as a unit, staying integrated. I’ve worked really hard to make that happen, but he didn’t keep up his end of the bargain (an echo of how things worked in our marriage too.)

3 years later and I’m working to let go of that dream too. Losing him as a husband was scary, losing him as a friend is just sad… but I can’t keep doing the work alone. It was making me too resentful to keep holding the door open for someone who wasn’t going to walk through it (an echo of how things worked in our marriage too.)

I feel so cynical sometimes, having come from such a long-term connection. People gush about how long it’s been with their boyfriend, “we never fight!” they say about their 2 and a half year connection. It’s hard not to scoff like a bitter divorcee, “Yeah, we’ll see.” What happens when they suffer? When they lose? What happens when they’re stressed or surprised or when they’re sick? What happens when those things happen to you? What if they happen at the same time, what then? What about when the kids come and there’s less time and more pressure? What about when the world gets shaken up like a snow globe and there’s a pandemic and a lockdown and life as you know it changes all at once, who are they now, 24 years later? The truth is you’re still just getting to know someone, even after years and years and years. Even divorce teaches you things about a person you never knew. Divorce teaches you things about yourself too.

I’m from a family of people who stay together, endure, no matter what. It’s admirable in theory, but in practice it leads to a lot of people who are unhappy or stuck. Just last week on a walk with my grandmother she stared wistfully at the people picnicking by the lake’s edge. “I love picnics,” she said, “but your Grampa won’t come with me, he doesn’t like them.” This ideal spot is half a block from their home with a perfect view of the sunset. Add that to the list of things she’s missed out on in an effort to make a man happy. We’re celebrating their 65 year anniversary next month, what a blessing. (See? Cynical.) I make a mental note to bring a picnic basket and a blanket next time I visit, she deserves picnics.

When we were first separated we talked about spending our anniversaries together still, a nod to our past and our evolution, our connection that gave us decades together and two wonderful kids. I really loved that idea. I still fantasize about a path where that was possible, where we’d sit on the porch together tonight as the sun goes down and toast to 24 years of being in each others lives. But today we won’t see each other, we probably won’t talk. Maybe a brisk text, we’ll see. Instead I’m filling my day with peace, gratitude, good things that fill me up. I can honour all this time and growth in my own way.

Photo: Heart (June 2023) - Sapphic Slumber Party #10