Stoned Thoughts from a Strange Weekend

(Content warning: this post includes a brief description of a real and scary true crime, but mostly it’s ranting about a puppy.)

My almost-ex-husband and my very-tired-from-shift-work girlfriend have joined forces, for the first time, to BULLY ME into getting a puppy. 🙄They’ve never bonded over anything before, they quietly respect each other but they’ve never found themselves in the same corner. They’ve never shared a passion. And here they are GANGING UP ON ME for the most sinister cause. 😭

The gross and unfunny backstory is this; the other night my beloved neighbour woke up to her husband shouting because he could see on his security camera app that there was a dude standing outside of her window jerking off while watching her sleep. Fucking horrible.

The man rushed off, pants undone, the police were called, nobody was hurt, but the aftermath… it feels bad. Knowing this creep was around staking out windows, it’s hard to shake that feeling. It’s such a violation, we should all feel safe at home in our beds. And I’ve watched enough true crime docs with my girlfriend to know this is a dangerous kind of man. I’m thankful the neighbour has footage, trying to stay hopeful he’ll be caught, comforted that he’ll be deterred at least.

(Fucking men. Honestly.)

My almost-ex-husband and my always-on-shift-work girlfriend immediately came to the same conclusion: I need another dog. A big scary guard dog. I roll my eyes and gesture towards my faithful and idiotic noodle of a dog, she’s 60 pounds of excited scribble, skinny as a rail, she barks ferociously at every delivery person who dares step on our property. She’s scrawny but she’s loyal. Her least favourite thing is “when there’s a guy”; any man she doesn’t know is a problem to her, she’s on the defence. While we’re out walking she has been known to snarl and lunge at assholes who cat-call me, she puts herself in between me and any dude in the vicinity. I love her fierce protectiveness. She’s my girl.

My girlfriend side-eyes, my pup, “I don’t doubt that she’d give it her best honey, but I’m not sure she would be able to do much damage.” The pup looks up at us with her big doe eyes. “Don’t listen to her,” I say, patting her head. “You need something big, basically a house-trained lion,” my girlfriend rants as she googles family protection dogs.

The next day I’m having the same conversation with my almost-ex-husband. He stays at the house to spend time with the kids every week, and the news has him perturbed. “I hate how this has made everyone feel unsafe in their own nest,” he shakes his head, “I just think another layer of protection might help.” He covers my pups ears and says “Don’t tell her this but she’s puny and kind of a whiner.” I gasp and feign outrage on her behalf. “I think something twice her size, something brutish,” he continues, “I’m picturing you guys getting a tiger or a lion.” My eyebrows raise, “Have you been talking to Max?”

Though they hadn’t conferred they were both thrilled to hear this initiative was now a two-pronged approach. The next 24 hours went something like this:

My almost-ex-husband: So like a mastif? Rottie?

Max: I’m thinking cane corso, or malinois. Good with kids, love to work and train.

Me: It’s easy for you guys to say, but you’re not the ones who will be doing the house-training and the walking. 🙄

Max:

Me: 😧 THIS IS DIRTY POOL! HOW DARE YOU?

My almost-ex-husband: Oh Max is good. That’s an excellent play.

Me: This is so unfair you guys, the last thing I need is another responsibility under this roof. 😡

Max: Okay but counter-point?

Me: SHOWING ME PICTURES OF PUPPIES IS NOT A REBUTTAL!!!

Max: I’ll help. I’ll pay for the training and vet bills.

My almost-ex-husband:

Me: I’m not speaking to either of you.

********************

Long-time followers might recall I was wrestling with the “maybe let’s get another dog” question a few years back when I had a very cute and chubby foster puppy. After a long back and forth I decided not to do it, I worried I would end up resentful about the time and energy it takes to train a new puppy during my busy season at work. The grand irony is the pandemic was about to begin, all my work bookings would be cancelled, the perfect time to raise a pup in hindsight. I still dabble with the thought here and there, but these days I’m looking to lighten my workload, not add to it.

Max has wanted a puppy for a while. I keep teasing that it’s because she just turned 35 and her biological clock is ticking. You should see the eyebrow this very stern masculine woman gives me when I suggest this. This desire to keep me safe when she’s not around is the perfect excuse for a pup. And I have to admit; as I hesitate to take my pooch out into the (suddenly darker) dark for her final pee before bed having a lion seems reasonable. 😳

My phone beeps, it’s my almost-ex-husband texting me “excellent names for big dogs” like Peeps and Patricia.

So here they are, on the same page and aligned in their goal, supporting each other in their campaign, delighting in their synchronicity. And here I am rolling my eyes to the high heavens.

I’ll keep you posted on my willpower and tenacity against this adorably treacherous alliance. 🐶❤️