Personal Update 🐝

Good day friends,

Tomorrow I’ll be back to sharing slumber party moments that will knock your socks off, but this morning is quiet and I wanted to take a moment to say hi.

The pandemic is at a strange stage, ramping up while everyone is burnt the fuck out on dealing with it. As we stay home again the last slumber party already feels like a fever dream, editing these photos is grounding in a way… “we were just there, we’ll be there again”.

December was tough. I know I’m not alone on that one. One of my kids suffered a (really friggin gross) injury that has had him recovering on bedrest all month. The incident was a bit traumatic for both of us, and our lives continue to revolve around his care and physio. He’s doing okay though, and working hard on recovery. The silver lining is this kept us home while the pandemic raged outside.

I’ve also had some shitty health news. I’ll get into it one day in a separate post but the short version is the chronic pain issue I’ve been dealing with is actually a result of a birth injury from over a decade ago and it turns out there’s not much that can be done. I have so much frustration with the way women’s pain is dismissed, and the way our bodies are valued and used up by our culture. But that rage has to be tamped down for another day. In the meantime I’m lucky to have found an osteopath who works magic and though my treatments are INCREDIBLY PAINFUL, I am doing my best to care for this body of mine.

Unfortunately there’s been a lot of hurtful drama with my almost-ex-husband… stupid lies, humiliation, risky bullshit… but somehow watching him prioritize frivolous selfish things with [REDACTED] over his kids during the holidays is what hurt the most. It’s been a real stressor at a time when the pandemic, my pain issues, and our kids recovery have already had me tapped out. It’s led to me having to change the ways I interact with him, which also hurts.

I really want to have a positive relationship for our kids’ sake, but I can’t get us there alone. I truly hope that this shifts this year and he starts to make some changes, the situation makes me so sad. My therapist says I’ve tried everything else though, everything I could possibly do, and now all that’s left is to just be sad about it, to sit with that. Not exactly the vibe I wanted to start this year off with, but I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

My therapist and Gerri from Succession both agree that I need to prioritize my own best interests, so that’s my goal for this year.

Things with Max have mostly been a sweet spot in an otherwise sour few weeks. She spoiled the kids and the dog and I with really thoughtful gifts. Galaxy projectors for the kids, a princess dog bed TWICE THE NECESSARY SIZE for the pup, and a fucking sexy record player and badass speakers for me! Long time followers know I’m a music nerd and I have NEVER in my life been able to afford good speakers. I spent the holidays listening to my favourite music for the first time all over again. It was so thoughtful, and the cherry on top was seeing how happy it made my kiddos to see me all geeked out and excited about it.

Max and I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together with all of the challenges I’ve had, I’ve been concerned about the toll all of these stressors are taking on our relationship. In spite of that she holds my hand and tells me we’re gonna get through this and she’s not going anywhere. I feel grateful for that.

I also feel grateful, as always, for Ms.O. She had the kids and I over for a delicious Christmas dinner, cooked for us, let my youngest kiddo prance around in her fur coat, loved us so much we forgot our troubles. I don’t know if I’ve shared this here but my youngest kid came out to the world this year. Seeing them really step into themselves has brought O and I so much joy.

I realized as I was laying here that I haven’t taken a single selfie or photo of myself in 2022! So I just hopped out of bed to change that.

This was the first photo I took, it’s how I was feeling. Cozy.

Losing the pants worked but the timer clicked while I was leaning forward still. Yay for boobs.

The third and final pic is the one at the top of the page. I sent it to my girlfriend so she’ll see it when she wakes up from her night shift.

I’m sending you all gratitude and light and some cozy thoughts, thank you for being on this journey with me, and making every day a little easier.

-Heart <3