Petals/Thoughts

There is so much grief right now. Grieving my marriage, lifestyle, the future I planned, my vision for our family, grieving the end of what I thought was life-long work. I pictured us getting it right one day, I have to let that go too and grieve that dream with the rest of them.

Here lies the cross-country road trip we’d always wanted to do, here lies all the plans we had for taking our kids to see the world, here lies our trajectory and our combined talents. Here lies our fearless communication and our spark. Here lies the liminal moments when our child would laugh, full-bellied, and we’d squeeze each others hand and share a secret look because we could feel their joy in our own DNA.

Divorce means so many changes. Changes with time and money and space. Now that our agreement is almost finalized they’re coming quick.

Our connection has changed but it’s not the end of our journey. We’re still co-parents so our relationship has to evolve and exist and function. We need to stay in touch. I’m jealous of childless couples who can just fade from each other. It seems like a luxury to become strangers. Especially during a pandemic where we have to be updating constantly for the kids’ safety about our exposure and who we have seen. I wish I didn’t have to hear it. The grief is heavy some days.

He has a new partner. I feel lucky to have skills from polyamory, I can’t imagine how monogamous people do this part. So much bitterness, even from where I’m standing.

There’s all the sour feelings over knowing they drink together, knowing she gets the charming happy-go-lucky guy that I once knew. There’s all the awkwardness of him introducing her to mutual friends and them reporting back to me. There’s all the resentment over how much freedom and time he has for this new thing. There’s all the anxiety over who he might bring into our home, and into our kids’ lives. There’s so much space to get ahead of myself.

I breathe and try to ground myself in the present moment, focus on what’s in front of me. I remind myself my What If’s are a waste of my energy, last year taught us we never know what’s coming so spinning your wheels on possibilities is fruitless. I remind myself I’m lucky to have some time to process this grief, and really feel it, so that I can move on.