Flirting With People Who Are Monogamous (or “Why I Don’t Give Bartenders My Number”)

(I’ve had a few patrons ask for a follow up on the old bartender story I posted yesterday. Here it is, also from March 2015, the short version is we texted and it didn’t work out.)

Last week the bartender texted me, I was thrilled. I am wildly attracted to her, she is a babe of epic proportions. It turns out she is a lesbian, and she’s monogamous. We both agreed we were looking for casual and on the same page, so I let her know I was poly. “What’s that?” she messaged back.

Oh fuck.

This is when it hit me. I’ve never done this before. Since I’ve been married I’ve met all of my partners through non-monogamous events and communities (at kink events, through tumblr, at non-monog meet ups, sex clubs etc). I’ve never had to start from scratch and explain non-monogamy because it has always been implied. And now I understand why so many of my poly friends only date people who identify as non-monogamous…

I explained ethical non-monogamy as concisely as I could. “Ohhh polyamory! Yeah I’ve seen a documentary on that.”

Oh fuck.

That could either be very good or very bad.

She said she had concerns about sexual health and safety. This stereotype about non-monogamous people irks me. How do I explain in one polite text that I haven’t fucked a new partner in years and likely have more rigorous safer-sex practices than most of her single friends? I went with this: “For me it’s about quality, not quantity. I take my health very seriously.”

We texted a little more about it. Her questions were fair but clearly she was conservative when it came to a lot of the values I am flexible about. “I’ve never known anyone from that lifestyle before, but I respect and appreciate what you’re saying. I’d still like to get to know you better, you’re intriguing.”

We’ve sent a few light-hearted messages since then but I’ve backed off. I’m scared I guess. I don’t want to feel like I have to defend myself against someone’s judgment. I don’t want to feel like I’m editing pieces of myself when I’m talking to someone. I have so many meaningful connections in my life with people I can be my whole self with, and I don’t want to go back.

“But baby I do want to kiss you and let you undress me and hear you moan and I want to cum with my mouth on yours I want to know how you taste how is your skin so perfect god damn” (These are the texts I do not send. If she already thinks I’m slutty throwing myself at her won’t help.) (I’ll bite my tongue and wait a few days and see if she texts me in the meantime…)

It’s complicated, it always is I guess. And just because people live alternative lifestyles or have certain kinks doesn’t mean they will be tolerant and supportive of yours. It’s a shame really.

Maybe I’m over-thinking it.