Oh... it's you. The patrons?! We can't keep meeting like this.
In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.
2024-02-22 20:59:08 +0000 UTC View Post
Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty patron, spot a hat on the hatstand and say "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, as you well know.
In this episode, Log imagines what it might be like when eventually Laurence Fox leaves us all behind. Matt sets out to invent a...
2024-02-03 17:35:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Good evening patrons! It's us, the podcast you're kind to.
They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it.
In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to Shrewsbury, and Steve is upset by the weird woofing sound that planes someti...
2024-01-26 19:24:52 +0000 UTC View PostExcuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.
In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.
2024-01-18 03:28:54 +0000 UTC View Post
Patrons! Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode!
While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.
2024-01-10 00:23:32 +0000 UTC View Post
We love you patrons. Happy new year.
2024-01-03 03:29:46 +0000 UTC View Post
Merry Christmas, Patreon people - we love you so much. We recorded this one in person, and off-mic we only talked about YOU.
If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log'...
2023-12-23 14:27:10 +0000 UTC View Post
Patrons. This is a public service announcement.
Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today and right now, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never having had the counteractive phrase "giddy down" lovingly whispered into their giddy big ears back at the stable a...
2023-12-19 00:43:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what if Log got out? He might tell you about a horrible time in a gym!
Oh goodness no, close that cupboard now and don't think about it for a seco...
2023-12-02 18:41:48 +0000 UTC View Post
If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives.
1. Stand on a railway arch
2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features
3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans
4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity
5. Stifle a gasp at Log's many confessions
6. Put on your squirrel suit and jump
Your hiccups will be gone because you didn't practice squirrel ...
2023-11-23 16:41:39 +0000 UTC View Post
Howdy patreons! Howdy to you.
When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer? Oh yeah, that's a freakin nail alright.
In this episode, Joe wishes the new Smyths Toys television ad wa...
2023-11-19 21:17:37 +0000 UTC View Post
Heya patrons!!
Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads.
In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Hallowee...
2023-11-10 14:18:21 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons! Good patrons. Kind patrons. Especially YOU.
In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them.
Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would have, had it been solved at the time, catapulted his eight year old body in...
2023-11-05 22:12:49 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello there, bees!
Here is our recent live show from The Canal Cafe Theatre. It's very good and we weren't hot AT ALL actually.
There's also a video version of this whole thing which we urge you to watch to get the full live experience.
Hopefully this is the beginning of more lovely live shows which means we'll see...
2023-10-26 10:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patreons! In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically.
(They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you want to get on this Airbus A380, you gotta climb through my guts first).
2023-10-19 23:07:13 +0000 UTC View Post
Shopping list:
- 2 beans
- 2 kilos Freddos
- A egg
- One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland
- One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes
- One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house
- A another egg
Hello patrons. Or patreons, whichever. You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts.
That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features".
It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entire Bolivian drugs cartel bent on revenge. Any smaller, and these features would be a sort of inha...
2023-09-21 23:11:21 +0000 UTC View PostTrain drivers have announced two more strike dates on 30 September and 4 October, coinciding with the Conservative Party conference (hahaha, take THAT you Tory idiots), but also our upcoming Regular Features Live show (what the heck?! Rude!!)
The extent of the disruption is still a fun mystery, but it's likely to be a right old mess on the trains starting on 29 September and lasting all weekend. Visit 2023-09-17 11:03:20 +0000 UTC View Post
You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.
But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. H...
2023-09-08 16:18:02 +0000 UTC View Post
Afternoon patreons! I'm hungry so this will be a short description.
In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope.
I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry help
2023-09-05 11:21:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Hi patrons!
You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise.
In this episode, Log introduces us to the Republican Party presidential candidate nominees, thanks to a couple of hypnotic lanyards he found under his pillow one...
2023-08-28 20:18:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons. Sad emoji. This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love.
Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav projects his feelings of anger on to a smoking neighbour.
This episode is sponsored by Cunard Cruises.
2023-08-20 20:03:53 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey patrons, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night?
But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT EGGS, JUST GOTTA GET MY FREAKIN KISSES" and later, "I WILL TRANSFORM INTO AN ANGRY MONSTER IF IT'S JUST EGGS A...
2023-08-11 10:34:40 +0000 UTC View Post
bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l]
NOUN, BRITISH
A measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush.
de Groot [də кнrōt′]
NAME, DUTCH
The sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in all of western Europe and possibly THE GLOBE. Get a load of de Groots in your peepers and you'll be on ...
2023-08-03 11:14:25 +0000 UTC View Post
Patreon friends! We're actually going to officially announce this tomorrow, but we wanted you to know first because we fancy your little asses.
Regular Features will be returning to the spiritual home of one Jonathan Q. Babadook, the Canal Café Theatre, for a first London live show in absolutely ages. Here are deets:
When? Saturday 30 September at 7pm
How (much)? £15 plus a £1.50 booking fee we cannot explain or defen...
2023-08-02 13:53:15 +0000 UTC View Post
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. Oo that Devil, he's got a nerve on him, I'd like to truss him up and say, "try doing that again, Satan, when you're all covered in ropes and my personal slime! Go on! Try it, love!!!"
2023-07-26 23:07:12 +0000 UTC View PostHELLO PATRONS!!
In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us from curse... to worse!
2023-07-18 16:46:24 +0000 UTC View PostIf you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy.
In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.
2023-07-08 19:34:14 +0000 UTC View Post
This week, as is tradition, we all got into three separate but no less sweaty rooms and recorded a podcast.
You will hear tales of sexy men in the gymtorium, even sexier men sitting in kitchens and observing their own moist filth blankers and one man who just cannot get enough of teeth.
We thank you all for your support because we 100% wouldn't be doing this without it.
YOU DID THIS. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
2023-06-26 07:55:35 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey there Patreons! That's YOU! That's YOU that is!! Here's the episode description.
Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged.
And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess, but mine is fancier. Hey wait, is that man riding a Shire horse over there? Come back, I have a comparison to make with you! Giddy up Sugarlump, my introverted pony. He's getting away!...
2023-06-05 21:08:35 +0000 UTC View Post