This past week

• All of the non-covid-anxious members of my family tested positive for covid. After a year of not knowing anyone who caught it I suddenly know a dozen people who have it. (So far everyone is home recovering and I’m hoping it stays that way.)
• They announced we’re under lockdown again, schools announced the kids will not be returning any time soon, my work has been SUPER busy and demanding virtually...
• My (almost ex) husband had to miss his visits again because he had covid exposure at work so once again NO BREAK FOR ME!
• My father announced his liver treatment has finished so he can start drinking again.... the announcement included beer emojis.... the man damaged his liver during a binge a year and a half ago and has been sober since.... and it’s been nice having his presence... sigh...
• Stood in the rain for 3 hours crying/venting/emotional offloading on my (almost ex) husband saying all kinds of shit I’ve been bottling up in an effort to be amicable.
• Contacted mediators to get this fucking divorce ball fucking ROLLING.
• Decided to take the kids North to our off-the-grid cabin in an attempt to get out of the city and do some unplugging and self care... did all the food prep and packing, drove 3 hours only to realize the chimney had been damaged over the winter and it would be unsafe to use the wood stove... which we had planned on using for cooking, not to mention the freezing temperatures forecast for that night... we took a hike, let the dog jump in the lake, and then drove through IMPENETRABLE FOG the whole 3 hr drive back home.

Max keeps sayin “you can’t catch a break” and I say “I’m bad at catching,” and we try to laugh it all off, but it’s been a fucking shit show.

What saved my mental health this week was mindfulness, remembering it wouldn’t be this hard forever, and haphazardly coming across the Dr. Egan episode on “Terrible, thanks for asking”, (which is one of my favourite podcasts). Who doesn’t need some wisdom from a 93 year old author, clinician and Holocaust survivor?

One of the things she said that stuck with me was this: There is no forgiveness without rage.

I don’t like losing control, being super angry makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel guilty after, almost like a hangover. This phrase helped me remember that it’s a necessary part of the process for me, especially because it doesn’t come naturally. I’m going to be sharing some more personal writing about this process this weekend. (As well as some cute pics from Max’s place.)

I’m sending you guys so much love and lightness, and I appreciate all the good vibes you send back. I snapped a couple quickies in the chilly forest for ya. 💕