Heart

Correspondence

Added 2020-09-04 19:43:12 +0000 UTC

I’ve been a bit out of touch, unable to keep up my usual reaching out and checking in. I’ve been too overwhelmed by my own life.

But last night I put on candles and a City and Colour album I hadn’t listened to in a long time. I wrote to everyone I’d been thinking of. Reminded everyone I love them. Addressed and sealed the envelopes and felt a little better.

Last week things escalated with the ultimatum I gave my husband regarding his drinking. It fucking sucks. He won’t get help and his addiction is rubbing my nose in my attempts to be compassionate and have good faith. This is how it goes. I know it. The addict pushes until you have no choice. But it’s sad. And it’s infuriating. And it’s not what I want.

2020 doesn’t give a fuck though. And I’m figuring out I’m tougher than I thought. I don’t know where this power comes from sometimes but it moves through me and I feel like I’m somebody else when I set these new boundaries with a sure footed step. I’m sticking to my guns and protecting my nest. I’m fierce and I’ve had enough. Finally.

I’m struggling a lot with my anxiety as we figure out these changes, I hate being the one who has to hold the line and enforce the rules. I’m a shitty cop and I don’t want the job. But it is what it is, and I’m fucking sick of what it is. That’s why I’m working so hard to make all of these changes. That’s why I’m fighting to be free.

Thanks for sticking around. It feels nice to have a place like this in the middle of all this.