Petty Poly Win

This is so petty but also so funny and I have nowhere else to share it.

My husband’s parents are American, conservative, religious and generally quite rigid. While we’ve never rubbed our lifestyle in their faces they see us as being counter-culture in many ways, and they have always led with a very WASP-y “don’t ask don’t tell” vibe.

But now we have this situation, we’re honest with our kids. We don’t lie about our other partners. The kids don’t think it’s a big deal, they were raised to be very open minded and as they’re still young they don’t have any big questions or concerns about non-monogamy yet. I know that will likely change as they get old enough to start dating themselves and suddenly have more context for our choices, but for now it’s not unusual to them. And we’re conscious of their comfort when other partners are around.

Like all parents we don’t discuss our sex lives with our kids, they know we have other special people in our lives who we spend time with and love and sometimes smooch. They know not all married people have this kind of agreement, and that like all things in life they get to figure out what works best for them when they grow up.

They adore Ms.O! She’s one of their favourite people. She brings them sweets and joins me on fun excursions with them and they appreciate her bubbly spirit. They haven’t met Max yet, it’s only been 6 months, but it will probably happen soon. They are aware that she exists though, and they have met Elly and some of my other partners in the past. I digress.

Because my husband and Ms.O are travelling this week, and the kids are aware of course, we didn’t want them to casually mention it and accidentally be responsible for formally outing us to his parents.

The funny thing with monogamists is they really miss a lot of stuff. I could literally say “I’m going away with my girlfriend for the weekend,” (and have) and monogamous folks would assume I meant my gal pal and no alarm bells would go off. If he’d said he was going to the beach with a friend they’d assume he meant a dude, and if they found out it was a woman friend they would absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt assume he was cheating. It’s just how it works.

The kids have a visit with his parents this weekend, it’s likely to come up. He decided it was a good opportunity to come out to them. So he sat down this week and let them know that we’re ethically non-monogamous, that we’ve always been this way for the entire 20 years of our relationship, that we’re open and supportive about each other’s other partners, that the way it looks has changed over the years but fundamentally we agree that our commitment to each other as life partners doesn’t include the expectation of monogamy. He told them we’re out to my family* and most of our friends, and that he didn’t want to hide it from them, but understands if they’re uncomfortable.

Now this is when I should tell you that my Father in Law has been a philandering asshole for the entire duration of their marriage. He’s had several affairs that nobody talks about, and my husband and I actually dropped by to visit on his birthday once when he was “home alone” while my mother in law travelled and we interrupted him with another woman. (Which he denies to this day and adamantly claims it was a misunderstanding even though IT HAPPENED.) Please imagine the upper class discomfort in the room while my husband is explaining our relationship.

They were mostly silent. Lots of pursed lips. Finally his father asks, incredulously, “Ethical non-monogamy? Ethical? What’s ethical about it?” And friends, my husband got to lean forward with a smile on his face, look his Father right in the eye and say “Ethical meaning nobody is lying, we’re open and honest and we communicate. Unethical would be, you know, sneaking around and cheating and having affairs.” Can you imagine a more satisfying burn to slap on such a smug asshole?

He asked them to keep their opinions to them selves if the children bring it up, and said he’s open to discussing it and answering any of their questions if they have any. They, in true stuffy boomer fashion, did not.

*Longtime followers might remember that a few years back, one of my sibling’s partners threatened to blackmail me and out my “immoral lifestyle” on Facebook to my entire family. So I made the decision to come out to get ahead of it. My mother was gracious and my brothers would rather not hear about it. Lol. Since then so many of my cousins have come to me with baby queer questions and also to vent about sexuality stuff. And my straight cousin asked me to take her maternity photos since I’m “so good and taking pictures of naked babes”. So it’s actually been pretty great.