Poly Vacations and Positive Attitudes

Next week my husband is going on a beach vacation with his other partner. I’ve been suggesting for a while that he plan a solo getaway. I take trips to NYC to get a break from the demands of parenting and family responsibilities, and reconnect with friends, and I know how restorative it can be to have a change of scenery and some time alone.

A few months ago he asked what I would think about him and Ms.O taking a sunny getaway together instead. This is new in our poly lives. Neither of us had ever vacationed with another partner.

For me this scenario made perfect sense, and here’s why:

1. My husband and I can’t really travel together because we don’t have childcare. Once a year the grandparents take the kids for a weekend, but aside from that all of our travel together (at this stage in our lives) is as a family. Which is why we both support each of us taking our own time off, so we get breaks and one of us can always be home with the kids.

2. He loves the ocean and the beach and I... do not. I’m just not a tropical vacay kind of gal. I’m sun sensitive, I don’t drink, I’m not a strong swimmer, I hate the beach. (Which upsets people! I know!!! I’m sorry!!! I’m a sensory sensitive person and sand is THE WORST!!!) Also, as someone who grew up poor, I find that kind of resort travel... uncomfortable.

3. I’ve long suggested he find someone else to do winter getaways with, he works so hard and his job is so physical. I completely understand why a tropical getaway mid-winter is restorative for him. I think going with someone else is a good solution.

4. I worry less if he isn’t alone, I know he has someone to keep him company, I like knowing he’s cared for and has a travel companion.

Of course supporting your partner to vacation with another comes with pangs of jealously here and there, but overall I only had one big hesitation: I am graceful and courteous in supporting the challenging things my husband asks for, and I don’t always get the same regard in return. He tends to be salty about the things I want, which of course makes me resentful because I work so hard to “be cool” with his situation.

It’s not that he would ever prohibit me from doing something I wanted, it’s more that his begrudging attitude doesn’t get concealed. It always feels to me like an emotional tax, sure I can have my freedom, but it comes with his simmering bitterness or sneer. I worry about his responses to things, that he’ll be angry or give me the cold shoulder, he of course never has to worry about mine. It feels unbalanced. I understand everyone manages in their own way, and everyone has different strengths for coping with these challenges, but its frustrating when I put so much effort into being supportive. I don’t think what I want is wrong, and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about it. He agrees in theory, but in practice it doesn’t go as planned.

I brought up my concern, it’s more of a sore spot really. This is a difficult thing for us to talk about because it’s kind of loaded, we bring our whole history to this conversation. But we had a productive talk and I felt heard. I’m hopeful once again that leading with empathy will put us on the right track, and that by treating my partner the way I would like to be treated I’m setting a standard for future asks and desires.

And I also hope they have a lovely time on the beach. 🌴☀️🧉