Change requires patience ✨

Today marks day one of trying to go cold-turkey on a bad habit. That bad habit is a person I love, and this addiction runs deep. I want to heal though, and I want to make room for good things to grow.

Change is hard, especially emotional changes, I keep reaching for old impulses. Texting him when I feel overwhelmed. Cold-turkey is the only way I can regulate this habit. No other method has proven successful. So today is day 1. Day 1 is a hard day. The should-have, could-have, would-have’s are coming on strong, the shakes, the regret. I’m trying to have courage.

This is an old photo, one I edited for a written piece that’s soon-to-be published on Stoya’s “zero-spaces” media project. (I’ll post details here when it’s live.) It represents the softer side of my addiction. The glow that I hope I can keep inside of me, in spite of this tiny little death.

I’ve made a list of Good Reasons Why this change had to happen, and I’m going to keep referring to it when I’m mourning and romanticize the memories. I don’t let go easily, I’m loyal to a fault and I believe in the best in the people I love. These are good qualities, but my hope that someone will be their best doesn’t always translate to their ability to behave that way. And that’s hard to swallow sometimes.

I’m going to try and be patient with myself, I have some time for self care and reflection this week before the slumber party and my busy season at work take over. I’ve been using my journal, and doing small kind things for myself to make the day easier. I can’t believe I’m back at square one, but I’m bringing with me all of the things I learned all of the other times I was here. Maybe this time it will be different.

(I’m keeping in mind that this change on Patreon will require patience too, I had to delete the older tiers because you can’t edit them after people sign up... I’ve heard this has interfered with some of your access to old content. I’m going to go through by hand and fix that post-by-post, thanks for your patience while I manage that. ♥️)