Honesty.

“If you know cigarettes can kill you then why do you smoke?” He’s the king of excuses, I was only 9 but I was already bracing for him to rationalize his choices. I was armed with rebuttals I had learned from the Public Health nurse at school. “Because I’m stupid.” he replied. I had no come-back for that one.

I could whinge about the artistry involved with evading further questions, he has a knack for wrapping up these kinds of conversations in record time. He is so good at agreeing with you after you’ve worked up the courage to hold him accountable, he has a gift for saying just the right thing to make you feel heard. He can reassure you while simultaneously taking the wind out of your sails, leaving you wondering if you even had a point when you gathered up your courage. He can shut down the most carefully planned intervention. 

I wonder too often, though, what a gift it was that he didn’t feed me excuses in that moment. Sure it disarmed me, but even as I stood there next to his drinking buddy (who chuckled) I could tell that was the most honest answer he had. I remember the hot sand under my toes and the smell of gasoline from the container he used to fuel the clunky motor boat. The other kids were chasing each other in a never-ending game of tag, crashing through the water when they needed to cool down. I would never tolerate men lying to me, feeble excuses from spineless creatures, because my own Father insisted on looking me in the eye and telling me the truth. 

I don’t bother asking now. I know he’s smoking again. I can smell it on his clothes, that stale ashtray taste that lingers. He tries to hide it from me, he tries to make jokes. I know they’ll just sit on my tongue like venom the next time I’m sitting in a hospital room watching machines do his breathing for him. He’s made his choices, over and over, always the same ones. I used to take it so personally, why aren’t we enough for him to want to stick around? I see it for what it is now, it’s just sad, that’s all. Nothing more and nothing less.