From Now On - OLD Book 2 chapter 1 pt 2
Added 2023-11-03 07:17:26 +0000 UTCReunited at last! Some shots with Lily and her mom feel weird, mainly visually. Hope to fix it later Tell me what you think!
Comments
I will make Lily's mom more aggressive and abusive, I now feel it's needed even more
Anamadic
2023-11-04 00:07:44 +0000 UTCWill be bruising later, may be visible in chapter 2 Will be adding a page of Lily mimicking the week Danny spent alone from last book.
Anamadic
2023-11-04 00:05:12 +0000 UTCOne part that may will be shortly mentioned layer, is that Andrea's parents are wealthy and Lily is often gifted old clothes and toys that Adrea doesn't use anymore. Also, I don't want Lily to be adopted, in the rewrite it'll be mentioned that her dad left when Lily was younger
Anamadic
2023-11-03 23:37:01 +0000 UTCI somewhat agree with the comments here. One thing I think would help is if the stuff in her room looked like it was bought cheap at 2nd hand stores as if Lilly bought it herself. Also maybe it would look better if Lilly's mom slapped her instead, like it's not so violent that we are afraid for her life but at the same time it's seen as unforgivable by the audience. Another Idea you may or may not like is having the mother look nothing at all like Lilly? Maybe Lilly was adopted by the mom for tax exemption purposes? It would make Lilly look like she doesn't belong with her "mom" even more.
UberOctavian
2023-11-03 19:15:39 +0000 UTCOne last thing, i do think it would add to the parallels between Danny and Lily's time apart if we actually got to see Lily's first couple of days home before Thursday. seeing her going to school and unable to smile around friends, seeing her drawing doodles of her and Danny in her room, etc It would also give time to show how neglectful and uncaring Lily's mom is if we see her disdain for Lily builds over the days. I just feel like it really needs to be hammered home how awful of a person Lily's mom is to really sell not only why Lily wants to leave, but why she'd be better, and safer, with Danny.
Technosavy6758
2023-11-03 08:47:37 +0000 UTCI agree with technosavy down there, maybe add more of a bruise to the colored pages could work, as well as making her room more sparse or have smaller items like she’s had em for YEARS and her mom hasn’t bought her anything. Also, it cuts straight to Thursday, does that mean mom wasn’t at home at all all week? How would she have noticed her even at home at all through the weekend, unless there’s a page I’m forgetting.
Keith
2023-11-03 08:21:30 +0000 UTCHmm, while i know this sounds horrible but i think it would have more impact if Lily's mom actually harmed her, like actually hurt lily in a way we could see as an audience. It would show her mom being more abusive. The current look makes Lily's mom feel more like an annoyed older sibling than an abusive parent. Sad to say but even something where Lily's mom asserts her authority with a line like "I am YOUR MOTHER LILY!!" Or something along those lines, followed by her slapping Lily to the floor before casting her out would really sell the vibe of her mom being abusive if that's what you were going for.
Technosavy6758
2023-11-03 08:00:23 +0000 UTC
