Boxing Day :D

(c/w for discussions of mental health and loss)

Hi, folks :)

It being close to the end of the year, and all, I figured I would give you some kind of an update? I’ve been kicking this one around in my head for a couple months, trying to decide what to say, but then I figured what with you being subscribers and all, you might as well just get whatever’s in my head, which is:

I hope you’re all doing okay. I’m grateful for the support of my readers, in all the forms that takes—this Patreon, and the comments, and the people who reach out to see how I’m doing. You are wonderful and you have made things significantly more bearable than they would otherwise be. The world is fortunate to have you. I, for one, am definitely fortunate to have you.

I don’t think if I said “this has not been a good year for me” that any of you would be surprised. 2022 was not shaping up to be a great year for depression under the best of circumstances. Work going south, the intersection of inflation, a pay cut, and the exchange rate, and then finally getting COVID for the duration of my summer holiday, did not really help.

Such are the ebbs and flows of coyote life. I can roll with that.

But. I had finally started work on a project that a good friend of mine had been talking about with me for a while, and showed her the initial concept, which I had conceived as maybe a short novella. As detailed in what is still my most-recent journal on SoFurry, she passed away this summer. Almost six months later, I still find myself struggling with that. There is something simultaneously cathartic and overwhelming about saying this.

Typing this out, it’s hitting me again. Grief is a weird companion, and makes its desires known weirdly. But if you’ve wondered where I’ve been, it has often been: being the only person talking in a chat window that will never get a reply. And if you have reached out and I have been evasive, it is because I haven’t always known what to do with the trash fire on the inside of my skull. But I owe you that, I figure?

I’ve tried to keep writing, and I have been trying to keep posting at least ten thousand words worth of story a month. The Trouble With Coyotes, Vol. 2 novel that the aforementioned project has grown into helped, and I think that’s been cathartic, too. Still, in case it wasn’t clear, the second half of 2022 reached a nadir of “consciously asking myself every morning if I was a risk to myself or others and taking an honest ‘no’ as the victory for the day” somewhere around November.

I am saying this now because I feel like I’m starting to come out of it. This year’s Christmas story was remarkably quick to write. Working on other projects has seemed more doable. I’ve been able to focus at work. And I have sufficient clarity, I guess, to feel the responsible thing is thanking you for your patience, and for being understanding during my periods of quiet. Several of you have reached out to see if I’m okay, and the answer has generally been “no,” but I feel like it is becoming something closer to a “perhaps.”

And also that I understand if your own situations change, or vary month on month; you may have discovered at this point that I am not always especially diligent about restricting accounts that should not have access to subscriber-locked content, because I figure you have your reasons and I am grateful just that you exist and that our worlds intersect when and as they do. I don’t deserve y’all, but you damned sure make getting up easier.

This also serves to note that I have not signposted every time I’ve updated something, so if you are looking for tangible Content aside from new stories, the Star Patrol encyclopedia has seen significant updates (I will push another one when I have signal again), as have the various setting maps. Also, you all should have access to the Dropbox folder where i am posting works in progress; if you don’t, please let me know and I’ll give you a link. So I hope that you know that I am still here, and I will continue to be here.

I can’t really commit to anything more than “a story a month, and also, I will continue to be alive” right now but I’m hoping 2023 gives me the space for that?

Wait—I will commit to another update no later than the end of January. There I will provide thoughts on what I’m doing about the stranded novel Crucible (it is not stranded to you, it’s in the Dropbox) and some further Star Patrol stuff. Okay.

Yes!

I love you all <3