Part 1

It’s a typical warm summer night in North Hollywood and sitting in my regular chair with the living room lights out. The embers at the end of my cigarette glow with each desperate draw looking for a feeling that isn’t there. A slow release and the coals fade away. The windows of the house are all open and a breeze slips through every now and then reminding me there is balance in God's world. A few steps away there’s a needle that slowly drags its way across a piece of vinyl from 1976 and the low humming noises from an old pair of Sherwoods signals another round of self pity.


I wait for the morning sunlight to begin poking holes through the shadows and wish I could see the small beams of light begin to streak through the neighborhood. There’s nothing like watching a sunrise rolling its way over the hills and sifting its way through the trees. As a child I stood under the big oak and caught rays of sunlight in my hands. But I didn’t really, did I? You can’t really catch sunlight in your hands even though you can see it and feel the warmth. No more than you can Change the seasons by wishing. I’ve wished for many things in my life, none of them came true.


My time of self reflection always causes me pain, never joy. Turning left when I should have turned right. Ignoring a ringing  phone then wondering after if opportunity grabbed its hat and coat and headed out the door. I find the few good things in life were gifts and the bad choices were all mine, I own them.


Yes, the simple pleasures of my world have changed. Sitting alone in the dark brings me the peace that chasing sunlight once did. I can't grab the darkness and hide inside of it any more than I could have protected my youth hidden submerged in the summer sun.


Every night I relive the past. Sorting details and stacking memories where I think they belong. But eventually I tire. Mentally when the damn breaks it doesn’t matter how tightly you’ve wound the stalks, everything lifts and moves at the whim of nature. All you can really do is tumble along holding your breath until it releases you.


The slightly worn brake pads out front give away the stealth they were hoping to approach with.




They're coming for me……..