Not Exploded. Not Defeated. (A Temporary Retreat)

Hello. 

I've been bad at keeping up updates, and for that I'm sorry. I know most of you follow me on Twitter, listen to the weekly off-topic podcast, or know me personally so you're probably aware that Explode When Defeated is going to be on hiatus for the month of June because of a health issue I'll be working through at the end of the month (on/off toothaches due to my wisdom teeth), which lies squarely on when I'd be finishing up and releasing my next video. I figured since the video on Kamen Rider Blade was an hour long, and that I had been experiencing a bit of burnout, I could afford to do this. 

That hasn't changed, but unfortunately something else came up. 

I've made no secret of the grief that YouTube gives to me and this project on a near-monthly basis. Every time the platform pushes back on something I've worked hours and hours on it sends me into a pretty big depressive episode. Every time. One of the worst feelings to me personally is the feeling of time wasted. Despite being just 24 years old, I have this irrational dread about how temporary my time on earth is. That's really existential for a simple Patreon post so I'm sorry, and yes I really should see a therapist, but it's something that is sadly unavoidable in my current process. 

See, on top of all this, I can also be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my creative projects. If I can help it, I like to make uncompromising stuff. Just take a listen to the music I've made if you want any examples. I'm fairly passionate about my only collaborators and editors being my own abilities or my trusted friends and colleagues. So when I've got a multibillion dollar corporation like Google breathing down my neck about the usage of video clips in a video about a children's television series, it tends to make me extremely frustrated. 

So imagine how I felt when on top of this burnout, on top of my on-and-off tooth pain, on top of my general dread at the state of the world right now, I log onto YouTube to find that my first video, one of the videos I was most proud of on Kamen Rider Kuuga, was now blocked due to a new copyright claim by Toei. I sighed, took a couple moments to work through my emotions, and I decided to fold to YouTube and just trim out the pieces of the video that were causing a problem. I went to bed. 

I woke up, logged back on to make sure everything was fine, and the video was blocked again, for different clips. I could feel my motivation just shatter. I can't do this again, I had just spent a whole weekend fighting tooth and nail to get my video on my favorite series up. I wasn't about to do it for a video that's now over a year old. 

It may be unimportant to those of you following me and my work, but I very much intend for Explode When Defeated to be an ongoing series. It's not just one-off episodes on each series, to be received in a vacuum. It's an examination and celebration of an entire genre, looking at three different eras of the genre all at the same time. It's supposed to be long and winding, and yes, a little indulgent in my own fandom. A lot of the long-running points I come back to over and over again throughout the videos start in that Kuuga video, so that video just being unavailable now with no chance of return unless I just fold and re-edit and re-upload it is just... It's horrendously frustrating to me. 

I can't do it again. I can't put myself through more stress and more heartbreak just to appease a corporation like Google. I just refuse to make a lifelong struggle with a broken platform a cornerstone of my creative and critical output. 

However, I will not explode. I am not defeated. I'm going to take some time, longer than I initially wanted to take, to recover from my upcoming surgery and then I'm going to figure this shit the fuck out. I'm going to talk to some friends, consult some options, and try to bring Explode When Defeated back in a big, new way. Hopefully even better than before. It may take the form of a blog, or a podcast series, or something else entirely, but one thing for sure is that it won't be reliant on YouTube anymore. 

I'm going to keep the channel up along with all of its contents, because I'm proud of all of it. However when it comes to any future content, I'm uncertain about what it'll look like on YouTube. Honestly at this point I'm completely put off from even engaging with it creatively anymore, but maybe I'll figure something out for that too. I'm going to keep the Patreon up as well so any of you can access the exclusive content on here at your leisure. You won't be charged for anything until I relaunch, but if you stick around I'd really appreciate it. I wanna do some cool stuff for my patrons, I'm just asking for a little time.

So followers and patrons, I'm sorry for how long this post has been. I'm also sorry for any disappointment that comes with this development in this project. I really wanted to avoid doing something like this. I'm asking for forgiveness here, but at the very least none of you will be charged for any content you're not getting. Discuss All Monsters will likely resume in July like usual, we'll try work that out since it's recorded months in advance. Since I'm not offering new Explode When Defeated episodes at the moment, Wyatt and I will be putting out the final (for now) episode of This Is Not a Tokusatsu Podcast this weekend. Any podcast stuff may be subject to change depending on our schedules and general life bullshit. I'll try and keep you guys posted, the quickest updates would likely be on twitter (@Anti_Laser). 

Thank you so much for sticking with me, your patronage has meant the world to me. I feel so honored to be believed in by anyone, and to be appreciated for my work on the subject of tokusatsu. It hurts me to have to leave you guys hanging for any amount of time while I have to figure things out. Hopefully once I've returned to a point where I can present something to you all, you'll like it all the same and possibly even better. Thank you for your patience. 

See you around on the eventual relaunch. Take care and stay safe.