This is not a Date 03

The school day was almost over. Josh waited by the back exit, anxiously hoping his latest scheme to get a date with Chloe had worked. He was lost in thought, trying to piece together a coherent and compelling speech, when a giant, four-foot stuffed animal slammed into him. The impact sent him toppling backward into the shrubbery. He scrambled to his feet to find Jordan standing furiously in front of him. "I can't believe you're this dumb," she said, glaring. "I guess that means Chloe isn't coming." "Of course she's not coming!" Jordan yelled. "And you're completely ignoring me! I told you not to give her presents. I made it perfectly clear. And what do you do? You go out of your way to find the world's most ridiculously cheesy gift!" As she scolded him, Jordan gesticulated wildly with all four of her arms, her tail lashing furiously behind her. "Well, at least she gave it back to me," Josh muttered, "in a rude way, but she did." "I gave it back to you," Jordan corrected, her anger undiminished. "Chloe told me to rip its head off in front of you. I didn't because, as incredibly stupid as it is, it's still a cute stuffed animal. I hope you can at least get your money back. And, for the record, it would be nice if you'd finally give this up." Defeated, Josh slumped next to the bear. It was almost ridiculous. But he couldn't help himself. "I'm not giving up. I don't want to. Maybe if I keep trying long enough… I'll get a chance." Jordan crossed her four arms, an action that emphasized her double cleavage, and whipped her tail against the floor. "So what's next? A plane with a banner? A flash mob?" She snorted. "Josh, that stuff only works in movies, not in real life." Josh looked up, disappointed. "I guess I shouldn't have believed the saleswoman. She said it would be an irresistible gift." "It's big and useless," Jordan said. Then, her tone softening slightly, she added, "It is kind of cute, though." She absently stroked the bear's ear with one of her lower hands. "You know, this is the kind of gift you give someone you're already in a relationship with—someone who also has a really big bedroom." “Well… I guess I’ll try to get a refund,” Josh sighed, holding up the stuffed animal as if it were a corpse. “But… could you help me?” Jordan watched him in silence. “I think you can carry it on your own.” “It’s not that. It’s just… I’m a little embarrassed to have the saleswoman know my gift was rejected.” “But it was,” Jordan interrupted. “I know, but… I don’t want to look like a loser. If you come with me, I could say it just wasn't a… practical gift or something.” “…Are you asking me to pretend to be your girlfriend again?” Jordan said dryly. “…Kind of?” Josh whispered. Jordan shook her head vigorously before letting out a long sigh. “Look, I’m only doing this for two reasons. One, I have nothing better to do. And two, you’re seriously starting to make me feel sorry for you.” “Thanks… I guess,” Josh said with a pained expression. “Come on, let’s go. But let’s be clear, this isn’t a date,” Jordan said. At the store, a friendly saleswoman greeted them with a smile. “Looking to exchange it? Don’t tell me your girlfriend didn’t like it!” “I’d prefer a refund, please. I, uh… think I misinterpreted her preferences,” Josh said. “I’m sorry, my boyfriend is a sweet guy, but a bit of an idiot,” Jordan said, sounding convincingly exasperated. “He knows I can’t have a stuffed animal this size in my room. I’ve told him a million times, but he never listens.” The saleswoman blinked before laughing lightly. She led Josh to the register while Jordan browsed the displays. “Generally, there’s no problem with refunds, but the bear is a little dirty, so we’ll need authorization from the store manager. That might take a while. Exchanges are always faster.” Josh recognized the classic store strategy to avoid refunds. He was about to protest when he noticed Jordan staring at a set of bracelets in a display case. He could always tell when something genuinely captivated her; it was the only time her usual cold demeanor melted away. “Do you think I could exchange the bear for that set of bracelets? The two pairs.” “Hmm, I think those would look lovely on your girlfriend,” the cashier said. “I can give you a price that matches the value of the bear.” The cashier handed the two pairs of bracelets to Josh in a gift bag, which he immediately offered to Jordan. “Wait… Josh, why?” Jordan asked, surprised. “Well… because I know I’m really stubborn and I keep dragging you into my messes. Consider it an apology.” Jordan took the bag, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “Thanks. You really didn’t have to.” They left the store and stopped for ice cream. Jordan put on the four matching bracelets, looking strangely happy. "They look good on you," Josh said. "They're cute, but they still look kind of badass. You could beat up Chloe's other suitors while wearing them." Jordan looked at him for a long moment before giving him a gentle tap on the head with her bracelet-adorned wrist. “Yeah, see? They work. I just hit the most persistent one.” “Okay, I probably deserved that. Thanks for not hitting me for real, like you did with the others.” “Do you really think so?” Jordan asked, licking her ice cream. “What do you mean?” “I’ve never hit anyone, Josh,” Jordan said with a smile that showed off her sharp teeth. “With my appearance, people just assume I’m tough. And, well, I am strong, but I don’t need to hit anyone. I can show my teeth, swipe my tail in a threatening way, and do this.” She extended her claws almost an inch. “This little trick scares most people off.” “What? Seriously? I thought you’d beaten up most of Chloe’s suitors.” “I haven’t laid a hand on anyone. Don’t try to be the first,” Jordan told him. “Okay, okay,” Josh said, swallowing hard. “You know, I’m jealous of you. You get to see Chloe and spend time with her every day.” “Yeah, I guess,” Jordan replied, her tone noncommittal. “You guess? That didn’t sound very convincing.” “I’m her friend, and she treats me well, but we’re not that close. I can’t pretend that being part of her group doesn’t benefit me. Before she approached me, no one would talk to me; I scared people. Now, at least I don’t eat alone,” Jordan said, a melancholic look in her eyes. They walked a little longer through downtown. When they reached the crossroads where their paths diverged, Josh lowered his voice. “I have a lot to think about regarding Chloe…” Jordan looked at him. He nodded slowly. “Yeah… and I wish you’d consider what I told you. Because if you’re going to try again…” “Do you really not think I have a chance with her?” Jordan sighed uncomfortably. “Look, I find this really difficult. But seriously, has this whole cheesy gift routine ever actually worked for you?” Josh was silent for a beat. “Do you promise you won’t laugh if I tell you something?” “Try me.” “I’ve never had a girlfriend,” Josh admitted, embarrassed. “Oh… well, I kind of assumed,” Jordan said. “Is it that obvious?” “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you have a way too idealized view of relationships to have ever been in one. When you’re in love, you start off thinking everything is magical, but then you realize you were just idealizing the other person,” she said, looking down. “In the end, what matters is being with someone who makes you feel good—who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.” “I think I understand,” Josh said. “You seem to have some experience.” “Not much, but enough to learn what not to do. That’s why I’m telling you not to let your eyes and your hormones make your decisions for you.” “It’s hard when you’ve been in love with someone for years,” Josh said. “You’ve been fascinated for years,” Jordan corrected. “Maybe you’re just infatuated with her mutation.” “I’m not a mutation chaser… no offense, of course!” he added quickly. “Your mutations are super cool.” “You mean these?” Jordan said, striking a pose that deliberately emphasized her four breasts. Josh blushed completely, and Jordan laughed out loud. “Don’t make fun of me,” he said, his face still red. “Okay, sorry,” Jordan said, still grinning. “So, are you going to keep pursuing Chloe?” "I don't know. Maybe." He looked at her with a shy smile. "Will you be free to help me return the next gift?" Jordan shot him a murderous look, though a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “If you give her anything else, I will throw it at your head. For real this time.” Josh walked away, hands in his pockets. Jordan watched him disappear into the crowd and thought, Yeah… he’ll probably try again. He’s a fool. A little adorable, but a fool nonetheless.