Xander and the Remote Part 4

Poison Ivy frowned as the man that she’d just poisoned with a kiss wasn’t stopping and his hands were going to places that she hadn’t expected.

“It’s my birthday?” Harley asked as she climbed in the window and saw Poison Ivy molesting some poor helpless young man.

Ivy pulled back. “A little help?”

“I wouldn’t mind a threesome,” Xander replied, recognizing Harley’s voice.

“Something is wrong with my pheromones, knock him out,” Poison Ivy replied as she tried to move Xander’s hands off her behind.

“What?” Xander asked as he stopped and managed to shake off the effects of her pheromones. “You’re the one that kissed me and then dragged me in here, I was just going with it.”

“So… you’re not drugged?” Ivy asked in disbelief.

“By your beauty? Sure, by your powers, probably not.”

Harley laughed. “Can we keep him?”

“My girlfriends would probably complain,” Xander admitted. “Either that or insist on watching.”

“No,” Ivy replied as she turned to look at Harley. “Why do you have a black eye?” she asked in concern.

“Puddin was a bit temperamental when I screwed up his latest joke. To be fair the orphanage probably wasn’t the best place for that joke, anyways.”

Ivy looked at Xander. “Why did you come to my domain?”

Xander said, “Business, I can offer relocation to a nicer area and period of history, say pre-industrial revolution.”

“Like pirates?” Harley asked excitedly.

“If you want.”

“What do you want in trade?” Ivy asked suspiciously.

“A copy of the formula you used on Harley and everything we’d need to reproduce it.”

“You’re realize my formula only boosts flexibility and poison resistance and gives you a general tuneup, right?”

“Which is perfect, some of my friends are trying to save the world from aliens that think nothing of using poison and radiation in large amounts. A bit more flexibility and a general stamina upgrade would be a nice boost.”

Ivy started to shake her head then glanced at Harley’s black eye. “On second thought, I wouldn’t mind a vacation, a nice Caribbean pirate adventure to somewhere they haven’t screwed up the environment sounds like just the thing.” The fact that the Joker wouldn’t be able to follow Harley was icing on the cake as far as she was concerned.

Harley giggled. “A pirate’s life for me.” 

“Why do you like pirates?” Xander asked, curious about her enthusiasm.

“Busty wenches and lots of loot,” Harley replied with amusement as she headed for her room to pack for her trip.

“Ah, right, okay,” Xander agreed, not sure she understood the reality of the pirate era. “Actually do you have any pirate movies you’d like to visit?”

“Pirates, Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge and Captain Blackbeard’s Bloodthirsty Wenches.”

“Bloodthirsty wenches?” Xander asked a touch curious as he’d never heard of that movie.

Harley giggled. “They’re basically hot busty vampires that he keeps under control.”

“Let’s skip that one, vampires suck and not in a good way,” Xander complained.

Ivy looked at Xander. “Movies that we want to visit?”

“Infinite is really big and they’re basically focuses for jumping worlds.”

“Right, no vampire movies,” Ivy agreed.

“How about What’s the Lesbian Doing in my Pirate Movie?” Harley asked as she worked on grabbing her supplies.

“That could work,” Xander agreed. He figured he’d just use their entertainment system to drop them in the movie then take the movie with him so he could check in on them later and make sure they were happy with their choice.

0o0o0

General Hammond looked up as Jack knocked on his office’s door frame. “Yes?”

Jack stepped into Hammond’s office. “Permission to shut the door, sir.”

Hammond nodded. “What’s this about?”

Jack shut the door behind him. “Can you turn on the jammer?”

Hammond raised his eyebrows then pushed the button on the jamming device that Carter had come up with. “Explain.”

“Off the record, if I were to mention a project called the Demon Research Initiative…” he trailed off as he noticed the look on Hammond’s face. ‘Shit, so much for them blowing smoke or being wrong.’

“On the record, no idea.” Hammond’s eyes narrowed. “Off the record, where did you hear about that particular project?” he asked, a bit concerned that Jack had been snooping into things he shouldn’t be looking into.

“My nephew has contacts with some very scary people that deal with various other types of threats.”

“How much did he tell you?” Hammond asked, not wanting to tell Jack anything he wasn’t cleared for.

Jack sighed. “That certain creatures from other dimensions influenced several of our myths and that the government had a project back in the 40s that went horribly wrong.”

“I can’t officially confirm that such a project existed. Get to the point before I have to lock you in the brig and launch an investigation.”

“I know it sounds crazy and I wouldn’t have said anything but Xander was able to acquire samples of a serum that permanently boosts a person’s strength, stamina, flexibility and resistance to poisons.”

“In exchange for what?” Hammond asked warily.

“Nothing, he’s my nephew Sir. Family discount and not wanting me to go splat, his exact words.”

“Does it rely on magic?” Hammond asked warily, thinking about the paperwork he was going to have to file if something went wrong.

Jack shook his head. “Not as such or at least he’s fairly sure it’s reproducible in a lab with the formula he included with the plants he gave me.”

“How much of a boost are we talking?” Hammond asked, wondering if it was worth faking some reports.

“Enough that you could use it to sweep the olympics and survive being bitten by a cobra without a problem.”

“Do you have any proof that it works?” Hammond asked as he mentally went over the list of doctors they had that could greenlight the project.

“My nephew and some of his friends have used it successfully without side effects.”

“In that case, include it in your report. You met a trader from another world that had the serum and supplies and convinced him to trade several samples for a rechargeable solar flashlight. Unfortunately he wasn’t willing to tell you where he found it or acquired it or even where he came from, understand?”

“Yes Sir,” Jack agreed.

“In that case, this conversation never happened, especially the part about things you’re not supposed to know about. I’ll let you know which scientist to hand the project off to once I’ve seen your official report. Dismissed,” the general said pleased that something was going their way for once and hoping the doctors found the serum safe for general use.

“Yes Sir,” Jack said then opened the door and left before the General changed his mind and tossed him in the brig or asked him questions he really didn’t want to answer.

0o0o0

Xander yawned as he woke up in the morning curled up with Genie. “I could get used to this.”

Genie snickered. “Waking up next to me or getting a full night’s sleep?”

“Both,” Xander said smugly.

“Good. By the way, Jack said he was heading into work to talk to the General an hour ago so we have the place to ourselves, any fiendish plans?”

“Not yet, I sort of want to play with the cat girl ring.”

“That could be amusing, I can take pictures, right?” Genie teased as she set her right hand on his knee then trailed her fingers up his leg.

“How naughty are you thinking? I just wanted to play with the magic spells but I’m flexible.”

“Three naked redheads? Assuming the ring makes you a redhead of course,” Genie replied.

“I think something can be arranged later when Willow is free.” Xander reached over and grabbed the cat ring off his night stand. “Here goes nothing.”

Genie giggled as she floated up off the bed and conjured a video camera.

He shook his head. “We probably shouldn’t leave any evidence of me transforming.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep it in my bottle. I just don’t want the girls to miss this.”

“Do all Genies keep embarrassing highlight reels?” he asked curiously.

Genie crossed her fingers as she quickly looked around. “Nope, no sir, of course not, we’d never do that.”

Xander rolled out of bed and got to his feet with a smile. “Why don’t I believe you?”

“Because you’re a properly suspicious Master?” Genie asked with a grin as she uncrossed her fingers and turned on the camera.

“Right,” Xander muttered as he slipped his cat girl ring on his finger. He glanced down at his boxers then glanced at the camera. “In the unlikely event that this goes viral, you can snap your fingers and erase all evidence, right?”

“Nope sorry, once something is on the net, it stays there.” Genie snickered at the look on his face. “Yeah, in the unlikely event that this ever sees the light of day, I can snap my fingers and make it disappear.”

“Excellent,” Xander said as he pulled his boxers down then stepped out of them, no longer worried about Jack checking on him or opening the door to tell him something. “I don’t want to get my tail bunched up.”

“Good call,” Genie said as she checked the viewfinder to make sure Xander was in the frame.

“What was it she said? Trasformazione Ragazza?” Xander asked.

“That and Gatto, yeah,” Genie said, trying not to snicker at his pronunciation.

“Gatto…” Xander trailed off as a feeling of warmth like he’d just walked into a steam room washed over him.

Genie giggled as she watched Xander’s body shift into a busty blue haired cat girl with metal claws and a bushy blue tail almost instantly. “Kitty!”

Xander looked down at ‘his’ C-cup breasts then twisted her neck so she could look down at her fluffy tail. “This is going to take some getting used to.” She flexed her slightly more delicate looking fingers as she examined her sharp looking metal claws then carefully reached up and felt ‘his’ breasts before bouncing on her toes, to see how they bounced.

Genie snickered as she watched Xander’s antics. “For what it’s worth, you make one hot cat girl.”

“Yes I do,” Xander agreed and continued bouncing… for several minutes without stopping.

“How long are you going to do that?” she asked amused.

“Just until you ask about it,” Xander replied with a smirk. “I have more fun playing with others, my own not so much.”

Genie chuckled. “I know how you feel.“

“So, back on track. Is there any reason they used Latin for summoning the spellbook?” Xander asked absently as he worked on wiggling her tail.

“Because libro degli incantesimi is too long?” Genie asked with amusement.

“Probably, Exponentia Grimoire!” Xander said then grinned as an old fashioned leather bound book appeared floating in the air in front of her. “I could get used to this,” she twitched as her ears twisted in a way she wasn’t used to when she heard something outside, “probably.”

“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it, eventually,” Genie said with amusement as she raked her eyes over Xander’s new form. “I bet Willow would look cute as a wolf girl in a red cloak.”

“Just a red cloak?” Xander asked as she looked over the spells in the book.

“Maybe,” Genie teased as she turned her camera off and teleported it to her bottle to play with later. “Anything useful?”

“A healing spell, a spell to cure intoxication,” she flipped the page and noticed a spell to summon restraints. “A spell to summon restraints.” She flipped through a number of pages with weird almost painful to look at symbols on them that she quickly skipped past and a couple combat spells that might be useful. She paused as she got to a chapter on making magic girl rings. “A couple combat spells and a section on enchanting knock off magic girl rings.”

“Neat, that should help the team or at least Sam, Buffy and Willow. Jack might skip the extra protection if he has to run around as a girl.”

“Probably,” Xander replied as she grabbed the book and headed into the living room. “Can I talk you into making waffles?”

“Your wish is my command master,” Genie replied as she conjured a large plate of waffles with strawberries on top as she followed her into the living room. “What’s the plan?”

“I want to read my grimoire and look for a place to do some training,” Xander replied as she sat down on the couch. “I can lift several tons and outrun a horse. I’d like to figure out my limits and get a handle on things before I accidently break something or someone important.”

Genie put the plate on the end table in front of Xander then sat down next to her. “In that case, I’ll channel surf while you look through your grimoire. Is there anything in particular you want me to look for?”

“Flight rings, combat trainers that have experience teaching people with supernatural strength or magical spell books that are just lying around that aren’t horrifically cursed.”

“Good selection,” Genie replied as she picked up the remote and turned the television on.

0o0o0

Genie scowled as she flipped the channel and got yet another commercial. “That’s five in a row, I need a button to remove commercials.” She pushed the button again and scowled as she got a sixth commercial. “Okay, I’m starting to think the networks are part of a conspiracy.”

“They tend to all run commercials at the same time so people won’t flip around as much,” Xander replied as she looked up from her spell book. She frowned slightly as she saw the Macy’s ad for very expensive dresses. “That reminds me, I should probably get dressed at some point.”

“Or we could jump into the commercial and see how long it takes the security guards to try to arrest us for indecent exposure or kick us out of the store,” Genie teased.

“Naked shopping?” Xander asked a bit amused despite herself.

“Shopping implies we’re giving them money, this is more like requisitioning supplies or shoplifting without the guilt. Think of it as evasion training.”

“Works for me,” Xander replied as she zapped them into the commercial.

An overweight women screeched, “Where are your clothes?” in a way that reminded Xander of one of Cordelia’s minions when they started into a rant.

“We’re just...” Xander trailed off as she turned to look at the person talking to her and noticed the self righteous expression of disdain plastered to her overly painted face and decided to hell with it. “A Catholic priest stole them.”

Genie piped up, “He said we were bad girls and should be spanked!” 

The woman stared at Xander in shock for a second then shouted, “Security!” as she waved her hands above her head and ran off like there was an actual emergency.

“Some people have no sense of humor,” Genie said then broke into giggles.

“And some people are troublemakers,” Xander replied playfully as she glanced around the large store. “Where to first?”

Genie used her magic to get a sense of the store. “Let’s start with a silk cocktail dress for your magic girl outfit then hit the underwear section if they haven’t tossed us out,” she said as she skipped down the aisle without a care in the world for their lack of clothes.

“What makes you think I’m going to wear a dress?” Xander asked warily as she hustled after her, a bit annoyed at having her hold his breasts to keep them from bouncing and distracting him.

“Because it would make me happy and you love me?” Genie asked hopefully.

“That will only works once,” Xander said firmly as she followed her.

“Once is enough,” Genie replied happily as they ran past a rather amused older lady.

0o0o0

Xander finished the incantation for her ring creation spell and a misshapen ring appeared between her hands then dropped to the end table. “I’m a touch surprised that worked.”

Genie frowned slightly as she looked at the half formed cat on the side of the ring that was missing its front half. ‘For a given value of worked.’ She carefully examined the spell matrix of the solidified bit of magic pretending to be a ring. “Huh, that’s actually pretty good for a first attempt.”

“Oh?” Xander asked, happy that it wasn’t a complete failure.

“Yep, no horrific side effects or curses and it basically gives you a cat tail while worn.”

Xander studied the misshapen ring on the table, sure it wasn’t perfect by any means but for a first attempt it was actually pretty damned good, it looked like a ring and it had a magical effect. “I’m calling this a win.”

“It’s certainly a good first step,” Genie agreed as she picked up the remote control and started flipping channels.

Xander glanced at the silent television. “Any suggestions?”

“Just remember that this style of magic is more art than science and have fun.”

“Let’s try this again,” Xander said as she focused on her spellbook and the spells that must have went into the original ring then cast his ring creation spell, “Creatio rerum omnium circulum!”

Genie smiled as a rather plain silver ring appeared between Xander’s hands then dropped to the table. “At least it looks better.” She looked at the spell matrix and grinned as she realized what it did. “Sweet, can I have it?”

“What does it do?” Xander asked curious why she’d want it.

“It conjures an ethereal notebook that you can update and write your notes in. I bet Daniel would love a copy if you figure out how to make more of them.”

“Most likely, especially if you could copy charts and things into it.”

“You should be able to. What were you thinking when you cast your spell?” Genie asked, curious if Xander could repeat his achievement.

“I was thinking about the spells that went into the cat ring…” he trailed off as he realized that wasn’t quite true. “Actually I was thinking about the book and the spells. Let’s see if I can duplicate the ring,” he said excitedly as he focused on the ring being ring shaped and the book and spells then cast his spell.

Genie grinned as another ring shaped spell appeared and dropped to the end table. “We should get some tags.” She looked at the spell matrix. “Looks, good, now do it another five times to make sure you’ve got it.”

“Five times?” Xander asked warily.

“I want one, Daniel is going to want one, I know Willow and Giles will want copies and you’ll want extra if you want to give someone a present like Joyce for her inventory or Buffy for her diary. Besides, you need the practice.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Xander agreed as he focused on the book and the ring looking like a ring as he cast his spell for a third time.

Genie smiled as she checked the third ring and found that it much like the second ring. “Keep going.” She turned her attention to the television as she noticed a group of mutant turtles running on a roof out of the corner of her eye. ‘Huh, that could work as a training montage.’

0o0o0