❤️ Some Advice On Mental Health ❤️ [For Anyone Who Might Need It]

Hey Teacups -

This was originally a response to someone who wrote into our Agony Aunt-Tea post, and I thought it might be helpful to share it with you guys. I've adapted it slightly to be more inclusive.

If you're struggling with your mental health, you might be feeling a multitude of things, including but not limited to: "I'm so pathetic", "I can't get out of this shitty cycle", "I have no idea who I am", "I am so lost and stupid". 

If that is the case, from one flawed person to another, I want you to know that the last thing in the world you are is stupid. If you are feeling anything like what was just listed, you are not stupid, you are in pain and you don’t know how to help yourself heal. And that is probably the most human and relatable thing anyone could ever be. 

I am not a therapist or a counsellor, but I do have some experience in picking myself up from the bathroom floor. So, if you would like some thoughts on how to get back up again, please consider reading on. 

I really, truly believe in the old cliche of “sometimes, you gotta hit rock bottom before you know which way is up”. So, if you're feeling like you've never been worse than right now, maybe this is actually the very best start to getting better. 

As I always make clear in these Agony Aunt-Tea posts, I am not a therapist or a counsellor. I have no mental health training and so everything I say here has to be taken with a pinch of salt. However, I am someone who has felt incredibly lost, pathetic, and unable, and slowly, even still to this day, I’m working on battling those feelings. 

The frustrating thing about mental health is that it’s like our physical health, you can’t just reach a place of being okay and then that’s that - everything’s okay now. Health is all about maintenance, about taking care of ourselves and responding to our needs. Essentially, there’s no cure all. It’s a lifelong process of consistently working on ourselves. And yes, that’s a really exhausting thought to rap our heads around, but more importantly I think it’s an essential part of understanding why we behave and feel the ways we do. We can’t just get a better job, a hot girlfriend, and everything will be okay, because we’re still us. We still have those feelings of dread or anxiety or sheer “what the fuck am I doing with my life”. And in my entirely non-professional opinion, I think practising good mental health is all about learning how best to manage and reprioritise those feelings in our day-to-day lives.

So, with that in mind here are some thoughts you might find helpful:

“How to deal with depression when you can’t afford therapy:”

• Talking therapy (talking to a therapist) is, at its core, guiding a patient through their thoughts, feelings, past experiences, to better equip them with coping methods and ways of feeling good about themselves, their life and their future. If you cannot afford therapy, I would highly recommend:
• Journaling your thoughts, feelings, past traumas.
• Recording yourself, actually talking to a camera and just getting all of your shit out and into the ether. A huge part of the talking therapy method works because it allows us to feel heard, like we have the space to say “this fucking sucks and it made me feel pathetic and worthless”. Sometimes, even if it’s just a start, it feels good to be seen.
• I would also highly recommend getting yourself on a waiting list for talking therapy. It can take months, but free counselling is available. I recommend doing this even if you go through a more positive cycle (a few days of feeling okay). Depression can be very deceptive, in that if people have a few calm days, they might be tempted to believe that everything is okay now. Strike whilst you feel you have the energy, because in a few days time you might not.
• Take care of yourself! I would completely understand if you’re feeling the urge to roll your eyes at this, but please believe me when I say “maintenance” is an essential part of not feeling shitty. So, please get enough sleep, eat fruit and vegetables, drink water, exercise (even if it’s a walk, it can do a lot of good), make the effort to go back to a hobby you used to enjoy. All these things add to our overall sense of self and daily mood. If I don’t come away from my computer and go on a walk each day, I genuinely feel stagnant and like I’ve wasted the day - even if I’ve been productive at work. We are all very sensitive, tall children and it doesn’t take a lot to throw us off kilter. Do what you can to fight your bad moods.
• Go to your doctor! Antidepressants can make a significant difference to a lot of people, and being on them is not this dramatic, “oh my god” moment. Many people from many different walks of life, situations, backgrounds are on antidepressants and it’s because its medication - not a judgement of where you’re at or who you are. If you had type I diabetes you wouldn’t feel ashamed for taking insulin. So, why should depression, a recognised and occurring disease be any different?

“Where to start looking for reasons it’s all worth it:”

• I am a fond believer in that there is no reason. And it’s precisely because there is no reason that it’s up to me (the individual) to give myself reason. Whatever you believe, whether you’re religious or political or you simply think we’re here to pass on our DNA, all that kinda becomes irrelevant if you’re consistently feeling like “I’m so fucking sad and lost”.
• So, politics and beliefs aside, you are the reason it’s all worth it. You and your potential to do and feel good is the very reason you’re here. The first cup of tea or coffee in the morning, that small, inconsequential kindness of stepping aside on the sidewalk for someone, that kind waitress who brought you an extra ketchup packet, that smutty fan fiction that is so fun and precious to you, etc, etc, etc. Because life is so full of etc’s. Again, finding reasons, at least for me, is not about having this life-changing moment where everything clicks into place because you’ve found a god or a cause or even a person - it’s the consistent effort (even on the fucking dog shit days) to try and find or even be the thing that makes you feel “yeah, that was nice”.
• So, start small, start with anything, send a text to your friend, look up that video you laughed at three years ago, make the effort to cook yourself a delicious breakfast, wait two minutes to hold the elevator for someone, read a self help book, read a smutty book, watch porn that makes you feel good, not just turned on, do something that's just for you, a small, secret project, write a diary, have a indulgent, relaxing bubble bath. Be and channel these things because they are all we have control over.
• Take pride in the small amount of control we have. The news constantly bombards us with how fucked and evil the world is, and honestly it’s no fucking wonder we’re all anxious, or depressed ,or even at times both. The world has always been filled with terrible and awful things, it’s just now it’s made acutely aware to us each and everyday. And for the most part us little people can do very little about it. We can recycle, be kind to each other, and give to charity, but really it’s our own little sphere that we have some say in. So, take pleasure in that, take pride in knowing you made your friend feel loved by remembering their birthday, take joy in treating yourself to those cookies, take comfort in knowing you’re doing your best to look after your mind and body. It’s all we have and that is what makes it important and worthwhile.

“Tips on Dating When You’re Struggling With Your Mental Health:”

This is probably the one where I am the least qualified to give advice. I have very little dating experience, but I suppose dating is just like making a friend, it’s really just about two people wanting to get to know each other. So, here are my thoughts:

• Go on Dating Apps. The hopeless romantic in all of us might love the idea of meeting people organically, but I think there’s a lot to be said for actively pursuing whatever it is you want - that job, that lifestyle, even that person. So, socialise, talk, put effort and time into your profile. You probably wouldn’t half-ass your job application, so why would meeting a partner be any different?
• Be Authentic and Kind. From my experience, I think what people respond most well to is sincerity. Essentially, whatever you’ve got going on, whether it be your aesthetic, looks, height, interests, ambitions, it can all be appealing to lots of different types of people. So, be authentic to who you are and try to show that person to whoever you’re interested in. It’s like anything, it’s not a guarantee, but I think people have more respect for those who are brave enough to be themselves, rather than a version they’ve created in the hopes of people-pleasing.
• Don’t Go Looking for a Saviour. I say this with nothing but good intention and concern: partners do not fix us. They can help us, make us feel happy and seen, but it is not their job to make us well. I really try and make a conscious effort in all my audios to show that the girlfriends (especially in the mental health audios) do not magically fix the listener. They love them, they support them, but they also have their own shit going on. They have their own mental health issues, their own problems with their family, and that’s what makes them people (characters), not products. I truly hope nobody feels I’m pissing on their dreams because that is not my intention at all. My intention is to promote healthy, happy and realistic ideas about relationships and intimacy. Can you have mental health issues and be in a wonderful relationship? Absolutely-fucking-yes you can. I would say that’s the majority of all relationships - familial, friendships, co-workers, partners, etc. The truth is we all have to work on our mental health, but we also have to know that that is our responsibility and no one else’s. We are our problem, but we are also our solution.
• Give Yourself Permission to Not Date. I feel like there is so much unnecessary pressure around dating, relationships, marriage, children, etc. And really I just want you to know that despite what people might say, no one really cares what you do. You don’t have to be dating someone for you to have value. I don’t care what your twice divorced uncle says, that doesn’t make you a man. You make you who you are, not touching someone else’s genitals. If you feel like you’d like to meet someone that’s great, but it can also be really positive to be by yourself. Ultimately, it’s nobody else’s business. You do you and know that it doesn’t matter if people agree or even really understand what you’re doing - your love life, single life, best life is about you - make sure you’re doing what you want, not what people expect. Some of the happiest times in my life have been when I’ve given myself permission to be alone and work shit out.

I really appreciate that I'm just some lady on the internet and these are just my thoughts. But I really, truly hope some of this has been helpful. 

Best wishes,

Tea